How things change

After a small argument. Or just a quarrel. Or just some mean talking…

Day 15

Her: ok I am leaving.

Him: Don’t go, please don’t go

Her: I have to go. Do some much work. I should be in bed soon.

Him: Just stay. Stay a little bit longer.

And so she stays….

Day 45

Her: ok I am leaving.

Him: Are you sure? You can stay if you want to. You don’t have to go you know.

Her: I have to. I have work.I should have been in bed by now.

Him: ok then, see you tomorrow I guess!

And so she leaves……

Day 100

Her: ok, I am leaving.

Him: ok. See you tomorrow

And so she leaves…

Day 150

Her: ok I am leaving.

Him: (silence)

And so she leaves faster than ever.

Do you get what’s happening here?

One year later

When things are not going so great, and you are desperate to change them and make every bit of your life work in the way you always wanted to, the easiest way (at least for me) is saying, “Next year, this exact same date, things will be different.”

On 23rd Feb 2009, that’s what I probably said to myself, because I definitely wanted things to change. One year later, on 23rd Feb 2010 things are different. Very very different, some of them are not the way I wanted them to be, and some are even better. But even now, even though I am not in a desperate need for a change, I want to say, “On 23rd Feb 2011, things would be even better.”

I don’t remember the last time I wished for things to be the same one year later. There is always a wish for something better, even if there may not be something ‘better'.’

Some people say being content with your life inhibits progress, but does looking forward to a change, to improvement, makes it much better? Honestly, I don’t know. This ‘one year later’ concept does not work all the time. Overall I am so much more at peace one year later, but am I so much more what I wanted to be?

Even today, I want to be where I wanted to be one year ago, I am still not there. Hopefully, I would not write the exact same thing one year later, thinking one year later, it would be better, Because frankly, there won’t be one year laters all the time.

So one year later, I want to not say one year later. I want to say, "this is where I wanted to be today. At the same place. With the some people. With the same job. And most of all, with the same life.

 

The chase or the challenge

There is something about a chase that makes it worth pursuing even if the prize is not something you wanted in the first place.

Human nature is attuned to challenges and coming out victorious. So many times it does not even matter you reached where you wanted to, the thrill comes from just achieving what you thought was a huge challenge.

And this theory that I just came up with has probably been discussed a lot of times by a lot of people, but I realize this every day, all the time because I am so the, ‘chase’ kinds.

My best friends knows me very well (as she should) and I should thank her for asking me evaluating my prize because so many times I forget to do that. And I wonder is it just me, or this is common phenomena? Do people always like to get to something they did not want in the first place, just because getting it was a challenge you embarked upon?

The chase or the challenge, whatever it is, gives you a brain rush like no other. The inner satisfaction you feel after every bit of progress you make is priceless. However much you think, “It’s the journey that is worth it, not the destination all the time,” but is it really that much worth it?

The worst of it all is sometimes when you realize you are the one who likes the chase, but you still do it. Because the high that it gives you is just irreplaceable.

(May be I am thinking too much)

I guess all I am trying to say is, I don’t know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. Whether being all bout the chase is the ultimate driving factor towards the prize. Whether the chase is what makes you value it more? Whether after the chase is over and a success, the prize does not even matter any more?

Honestly, I don’t know. But I know living for the chase , if capable of giving you a high, is also capable of making the nodes in your brain dysfunctional  and sometimes, DEAD.

So just a friendly advice, beware of the chase. Evaluate the prize. Sometimes being the president does not even matter, if all you wanted to do was take the challenge of being one.

Makes sense?

Not just yet

Four more months, that’s what it has come down to.

That’s all I have before to live like I have been the past 4 years some months.

After that, it’s all about choices.

The thing is though, I am not sure whether I want to make them yet. Not just yet.

So many people I know, can’t wait to get done with school. All they want is to just start working, or take that one last trip, or not go to classes anymore. They want get their own place, move to their own house, buy a car, start saving. Just do all that grown up stuff.

I don’t think I want to. Not just yet.

There is way too much to decide on. Where I want to live. Which country? Which continent? Which city? Against… Where I should live.

What matters more? Being close to friends? Being close to family? Being by myself and making a new life?

So many choices. So many questions. As much as I am done with studying, I am not done with college yet. Not just yet.

May be I should just live the last months up. Cherish each moment. Go, see each part of the city. Make some memories. Relive some days.

I don’t know where I’ll be later.

Because it’s not over. Not just yet.

Happy Valentine’s Day

I am not really the one to celebrate it, but since it’s presence is very evident around me, I think I should just say it, Happy Valentine’s Day people!!

Love is a tricky thing, I don’t think you need a special day to express it, but I guess if you have one then go ahead, say once more, “I love you,” to whoever it is that deserves to hear it.

I don’t really care about whether I have someone to share it with or not, but so many people around me have plans that I catch the fever sometimes. For fleeting moments, but I do. Wouldn’t lie now, I wanted to do something too, but not a romantic something, just a fun something. :)

I was sitting at a coffee shop today, and I saw people pass by holding hands, carrying flowers, dressed up. Usually, I would not even notice that, but today I did. It was nice. It was pleasant. It was love-ly.

May be this day is just to have some love in the air. Nothing wrong in that I believe, even if Hallmark or other companies make a business out of it. Everyone finds a way to benefit eventually.

Not drifting away from my actual point (I do it way too often), I want to wish a very Happy Valentine’s day to all my friends. The ones who read this. The ones who don’t. And also the one’s who don’t even know this exists.

After all at the end of the day it’s all about love. Even if you think it is not. Every song ends with love, every story has some love. Every person wants some love.

All you need is LOVE…

Twilight or High School Musical

The title of this post basically equates to Robert Pattinson or Zac Efron. This may seem like a stupid question, but I am a little displeased with Robert Pattinson always being called hotter than Zac.

I know vampires are always way cooler and hotter (yes both at the same time.. go figure) than high school kids but Robert does not have that boy next door look. At least I think so.Zac has those green eyes and that perfect hair and just the right skin color. Frankly, the only reason Robert even makes it to the list because the vampire image will do it for anyone (ummmm.. almost anyone).

(Which girl does not secretly want a vampire.. like really)

So which one do you think is hotter? Clearly my vote is with Zac. Any day. Any time. Only if he were a vampire…. sigh

Ignorance or Circumstances

10 years ago if someone asked to name 10 states in the Unites States of America, I would have had one reaction to that question, “Wait.. but how many states are there?”

I was a happy kid, but I was not a completely aware kid. My parents had my priorities set straight. It was about studying and getting good grades. Its not their fault, they only knew to bank on education to get somewhere in life. They did not think dancing, singing, sports will get me anywhere. Not in a country where millions have dreams but without money or a solid support system, billions of those dreams, just die.

I grew up with Bollwwood, Hindi songs, cricket and knowing things about India. I did not know what was happening in Wall street, or if there was a city called Philadelphia, why was Euro enacted or why was the middle east being a pain in oil production. I just did not know all that. Not because I chose to not know. Because my priorities were different.

I believe I was given a childhood way more luxurious than my parents could have afforded but even then there was no place for learning new things, because everything, almost everything needed money, more money than the disposable income seen or known in my house.

I am not trying to get into a pity party here. I am just a little unsettled with a conversation I had with a friend, who thinks I could have had a better general knowledge if I was not so ignorant. But the thing is, I call it circumstantial.

I don’t know if I should put out the conversation here, but I would still like to. It made me think a lot…

This is a summary of what was actually said. Basically it reached a point where all my options were given to me and I felt a little judged. No harm was meant , he was just stating what he grew up with, and I stated what I grew up with. Just different opinions, but something to think about….

Him: I am sure you had options. there was a sports complex close to your house.

me: I could not even buy books. I did not have that much money. And the membership to the complex was expensive.

Him: You could have used the internet in school to know more things. You were just not curious. And I am sure it was not that expensive.

me: dude, i used to go there every summer

believe someone else for god's sake

you are having an argument with me

about something i grew up with

telling me there is always option

while i am saying

there can be options

but no for some people its not easy

especially when your parents don't want you to because they have their own reasons

and if you are not driven enough when you are 13

there is nothing wrong with that

Him: well if your parents don't want you to then you really don't have any option

Him: well there is nothing wrong with not being driven at any point in your life if you can sustain yourself

me: you have an answer to everything

don’t you

Him: I am not being dismissive here

me: yes yes

Him: but you must always be curious and you must always feel that there is something better waiting out there for you

it is what divides us from animals

(I met for lunch later so its not like this was a fight, just saying… :) )

The point is though whether its ignorance or circumstantial?

ME again

Sometimes I actually wonder why all that happens even if there is a reason and even if you never even wanted it to happen the first place. And then he other times you really want something to happen, even if you don’t know what and how. You just need that small change to make sense of things.

I am not talking about wars or recession or world changing event. But about small incidents or sometimes the big ones that change your life.

I am still in school (only for 5 more months though) and I am still looking for something life changing right about now. I am a romantic, I believe in goodness, I believe in happiness, I believe in good winning over bad. But some days or these days I seem to be more prepared for the bad, the ugly, the unhappy.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a happy person. And I am content person. I truly believe that life has been kind to me. I have may be blessed with more things and people than I deserved. I have learned from so many things. So many people. So many incidents. I have learned to love, care, fight, be strong, all because life taught me well.

I have been a rebellious teenager, an ambitious adult, a quiet kid, a driven worker. I have done everything by the book and I have never sat down and wished things were different. I have been sad and upset, but I never wanted to change my whole life around. Just because life has been kind.

But right now I think I need something to calm me down. Something to make me more at peace with myself. Something that makes me happy with being alone once in a while. Something that takes that scare away from me, meeting new people. Something that makes me upset if a friend leaves, not take it as a way of life. Something that just makes me make sense out of everything a little more.

Just something.

I don’t know what I mean by something.

Just something.

On a side note I am listening to a Hindi song and missing home just a little. Just a little.

Wait and Wonder

You know the thing I hate the most about being into someone is the tons of WAITING that comes with it.

The sleepless nights that come with waiting for one phone call. The restlessness that comes with waiting to hear back. The anticipation that comes with waiting for what would happen the next day. All this waiting is what I hate the most.

May be some people don’t wait like I do. They can keep themselves busy or occupied and not sit next to the phone wondering when will it ring. But I wait and sometimes wonder with that. And the combination of waiting and wondering is just deadly.

I know this waiting makes me more anxious and scared. It makes me protect myself from all this giving in business. But I just don’t want to wait for that phone call. I don’t want to wait for that one glance, that one sentence. I just don’t. It all seems very tiresome. I don’t want to do that anymore.

And since I can’t change and the goodbyes have been too many after the prolonged waits, I hope and wish for no more waits.

(For some reason while writing this I think of You can never understand, a post I wrote on June 19th 2009)

And all this just makes perfect since while I listen to Dreaming with a Broken Heart by John Mayer.

And move on to listening Edge of Desire…

John Mayer

John Mayer

I did stay away from the “John Mayer” hype for the longest. I did not pay attention to any of his song. I refused to Google his picture. I even refused to look at him on T.V.

Until I listened to this song….

And now I can’t stop looking at him or listening to his songs. The line, “I don’t remember you looking any better, but then again I don’t remember you,” has stuck a cord with me. This song just made me a John Mayer fan, and in 24 hours I have listened to two of his albums and fallen even more in love with the man.

Say, The Heart of Life, Heartbreak Warfare, Waiting on the world to change and all those tracks have just become my songs. All in 24 hours.

So obviously finally I have Googled him. Starred at him till my eyes hurt. And dreamt about him. All in 24 hours.

 After years of being aloof, I have given in, and yes I am a John Mayer fan.

The Curve

When you are done dating someone or just out of a relationship and that's not by choice (basically when you are dumped), you crave and I mean really really crave an ego boost.

You want every eye to be at you. You want your ex to look at your party and feel bad for ever leaving. You want the hot boy at work/class to flirt with you. And most of all you want your curve to go up so that you can indirectly tell your, "ummm... in your face." (Ok.. being a little shallow is allowed here)

But then sometimes you genuinely start liking someone and your curve is not going up what so ever. It is a very clear "not in your face" case for the ex. And that is a sad sad situation. Because having the shallow notions you did, you are scared to materialize that liking into anything. You always wonder if that's just a rebound in making. And you hide your feelings to the fullest. Find ways to snap out of it. All because the curve is not just going up.

Sigh!!!!!

One of my dear friend says, "if your curve doesn't go up, then there is no positive addition to your life." God damn finance majors.

So since I am not around people who will make my curve go up, I wonder if i I will be a part of this dilemma or not????

P.S: post from cellphone. Will have typos.

Apology

I think I am nice girl. Not overly. But I would like to think I am.

Lately I have been having this realization that even then, I can be a bitch to some people. And even while being a bitch, I know deep down inside that I am being one, I still do it. And that is not so very nice.

My best friend has seen too much of it. I think I owe him a public apology. We have fought for a while now (entire January). He made mistakes. And then I made some. He tried to fix it, but I became a bitch to him.

So since I know you are reading this, and even though I just told you this over the phone, I am saying it again. I am so very sorry. I should not have. I should have been the nice person I claim to be. I should not have lashed out few days ago like I did. Completely and totally uncalled for.

So that being said. I hope you know its all awesomely awesome cool now. I love you and I know I always will. I know I will be the perfect aunt to your kids and the perfect friend to your wife.

And most of all I know you are and always be my best friend.

Lets talk about hair

A woman’s hair, I feel, is one of the most important aspects of her overall appearance. She can wear the simplest of clothes but still be just perfect, all due to her hair.

My hair is extremely important to me. I freak out even if one strand of it falls down (which means I freak out on hourly basis). I was not blessed with the best textures of hair, so I really have to work towards keeping it pretty (for the lack of a better term).

I spend a good 20 min everyday making sure that nothing should go wrong with my hair and usually it does. I can’t help but being envious of those girls who don’t have to oil, deep condition, steam, use expensive shampoos, over hydrate their hair to make it look awesome and shiny. And I trust me, I know some of those.

If God was kind enough to take my opinion and given me the choice to pick one aspect of my body and make it perfect, I would have gone with my hair. My hair takes too much of my effort, and yet I don’t achieve much with it.

Lately my hair issues have been giving my nightmares. I get fears of losing the straight and being bald. Can you imagine… that’s what I am truly worried about? There is nothing like shiny, non frizzy, well cut hair. And I mean nothing. It just makes you look pretty. It just does the deal for you. You can work on your face and your body. But hair is an expert case. It takes too much out of you.

I would kill to have hair like I just got of a salon every day.

Just kill.

Too many bad hair days. Actually just bad hair days… these days.

 

Just because…..

Just because its February 1st and we are already one month into 2010 and its 5:22 am I am going to write.

I feel the need to analyze myself every now and then and think just because I am like that. I don’t jump into things. I think them through. I am not very spontaneous. I am yet not very planned.

I am writing this just because I can’t get enough of how just blogging calms me down. How just expressing what sometimes does not even needs to be expressed makes me breathe better. I don’t have much to say, I am still here, just because that’s what I do at odd hours.

I am sitting trying to study for an exam taking a break and thinking some more. I am wondering how I moved on when it seemed impossible. I am happy to be able to look around me and just see that I don’t look for the past anymore.

I am happy that a month into 2010 I have truly started a better year and have a better control over my emotions. Just because all this makes me happier, I am writing this.

Just because I can’t get enough how fast is college getting over and I am going to leave I can’t stop thinking. I am happy but 5 months down the lane, I will look back and miss this. Miss this a lot. I will miss being able to stay up all night like this and going to class the next day without any issues. I will miss all this just because friends and college is what has made me happy.

I am writing this just because the all nighters make me think…..