Skipping tomorrow

While growing up, I always looked forward to my birthday. It used be the best day of my entire year. My friends and family always made it perfect for me. More than the presents, the wishes that I used to get made me happy.

Those were the times when people did not remember your birthday through facebook or email. They remembered it because you were important to them.

We Indians have a tradition of celebrating the birthday right at midnight. When the clock hits 12, that’s when it all starts. Phones start ringing and wishes start pouring. It is a happy tradition. The midnight used to be the best time of the day, when all my friends called. When all of them stayed up till late at times to call.

But all that was then, and this is now.

Now I hate my birthday. It is an instigator of bad memories and unwanted realizations. I have amazing friends, I still do, but I am just too scared of letting them do anything for me. I can’t define my feelings in words towards my notion against letting them celebrate it, but as I grow older, birthdays become something people have to attend to, not something they want to attend do, and I am very scared of being in the ‘have to’ category.

(Yes I know I am thinking too much. But I have too much time in my hands. Thinking is inevitable.)

All in all this birthday has nothing really to celebrate about it. I am getting older. I have extremely bad memories attached to this day (at least for now). I am broke. I want to spare the ‘have to’s, there a probably quite a few of those. And I want to be somewhere where no one knows me.

(Go on, think that I am losing it, may be I am, who knows)

So tomorrow when I go to sleep tonight, I want to skip tomorrow and wake up when the birthday ends.

(Is that even humanly possible?)

 

Fuck all those years

Fuck all those friendships which seem like a burden.

Fuck all these people who stick around because they have to, not because they want to

Fuck me for not knowing any better

Fuck all those years that come crashing down in days

The best days

There is something about reading and then being in a constant state of reminiscing that makes you write about the best and the worst days of your college life.

I think it is generally believed that college is suppose to be the best time of your life. Those years give you the bestest of friends, the oddest of experiences, the worst hangovers and the sharpest of memories.

Unfortunately I do not have the best of memory. I tend to remember things vaguely, unless of course their impact fosters a good enough space in the long term section of my memory (or anyone’s for that matter I guess). But yes if I had to pick out the best moments, the best days I can probably do some justice to their accuracy. (However, I would still need some help from those who make those memories.)

If I am asked to pick one day from the so called long five years, then whoever asks me that has either never been to college, or is genuinely not interested in knowing about my college days. So I can’t pick a day, but I can pick a year, precisely, my third year or the pre-junior year as they call it, here at Drexel.

A lot of good things happened that year. In fact, I only remember good things happening that year. It was the year that started with me visiting my parents, and ending with me going to Germany for a term abroad. In between I did well in classes and shared a room with my BFF, which I initially thought would be hard, but had a huge part in making that year the best.

I had money that year, if not a lot, enough to travel to Europe. I spent my days working or studying, and nights reading and watching old movies. The spring of that year came with amazing grades, and a well planned work- out schedule. The summer of that year was when I fell in love for the first time (and oh boy was I on cloud nine or not). My room had enough windows that made it well lit during the day, and breezy during warm summer nights. I never felt the need to be overly social and yet had a strong and supportive set of friends.

Basically, that year was as close to as one can get to perfect with all the small little things (or one huge) that made my days worth it.

(I know I crammed a lot in the last paragraph)

So one day, if and when I am capable of writing anything more than blogs, I would like to write about all the moments that made college so special and unforgettable. Till then, this is where I would like to pen my numerous, random, spontaneous, and sometimes pointless thoughts.

(I doubt I’ll get there, especially with an addition of memory that has extremely good weeding the sad out capabilities)

 

Just a lil bit of love

(Hormonal imbalances rule a woman’s life.)

So many times women can blame their entire unreasonable emotional outburst on the hormones, and people will buy it. And some of them on the hopeless romantic novels they read or all those chick flicks that they watch.

Most of the people that I have surrounded myself with are not hopeless romantics, even my closest girl friends. I am not one one either. But sometimes, there are somethings that I notice which I think make me feel in the category of those emotionally disturbed, love is everything people.

Honestly, I don’t believe in the ideas of happily ever-after or one day it will happen, but I do know how it feels to be in love, even though I do not feel it anymore. So sometimes I can recognize the smell, hear the foot steps from a distance, re collect small memories like they happened yesterday, complete the sentences, predict the behavior to the tee, and that makes me wonder how in the world do I still manage that.

(Feel free to get lost)

My point is I think emotional outbursts or connections that are shown in all those chick flicks are definitely exaggerated. I have yet to meet two people so much in sync. But I also know sometimes, you can be so much in love, that you surprise yourself and believe in telepathy, or no need for words, or just read the expression. It may not be balanced, but I think all those ideas in movies, are somewhat inspired by reality.

(Pheww.. do not judge me)

The free time

When I have nothing to do, and I am in college anymore, there is a lot and lot of free time.

First and foremost, due to the immense delay in my start date at work, I am broke and extremely free. I have absolutely nothing to do, which will probably result in me eating and sleeping a lot, and gaining some ten odd pounds. Not good.

On the other hand the past week was not as bad. I decided, it is time I started reading anything everything that remotely captures my interest. If I say I spent 3 days, finishing the twilight saga, I know people will question my intellect, but hey, nothing better than reading some hopeless romantic and happily ever after stories.

I have to say I was never into science fiction. I am very much into the happy life stories. They make my imagination go wild. I can’t stop till I finish the book, I forget to take breaks, and time just flies by. The past three days have made me realize that all I have to do is read, and three months may not be that bad.

I used to read a lot in high school, then the interest just got lost somewhere in the overwhelming freedom that college comes with. I realized how much I loved reading when I was on the train yesterday reading, and I was so lost in it that I missed my station by 3 stations. never ever, have a missed my station. NEVER in 5 years. And then yesterday, I refused to get off my bed, and ignored all phone calls, and just read, all day, almost half the night. I just read.

I can’t say I’ll have the same passion for everything I read, but I am hoping reading gets me calmer, more occupied and tired. I don’t even get nightmares when I put myself to bed after reading, instead of the usual youtubing.

Phewww. who knew.

Somewhere in the middle

I don’t feel like a graduate. I am very much a college student at heart. But I see how I need to grow up now.

Going to a non-traditional 5 year school gives you a chance to stay in school for longer than most students. By the end of it you know you have spent enough time in college, you know you have put all your effort into reaching where you are now, and most of all you know that one more year was a gift in some sort of way.

So you graduate somewhat older than most students which means you are somewhat away from the whole living in dorms, partying all night, never sleeping on time phase. You are over too much drinking, too much partying phase and you do feel like it is time to make some money.

(I can’t speak for everyone now can I?)

I can’t deny that I am sad about the fact that I am not more what I was. A Drexel student living around all her friends. But I can’t deny either that I can not study anymore. I need to make money, get into the corporate world, work on exciting projects, buy those things I always wanted. I know I want that.

So four days after graduation, I am pondering about where is life going to take me from here. What will happen tomorrow. I am somewhere in the middle.

Officially a graduate

Today I am officially a Drexel graduate. I will never be a Drexel undergraduate student again. My 5 years have come to an end on this day, the 12th of June 2010.

When I was walking during convocation today, it did not sink in. After I got out and was bombarded with congratulations, it still did not feel any different. It felt like soon enough I’ll go to class again and work on some paper. I did not feel like a graduate.

It sank in a couple of hours later, when at dinner, a friend of mine called me a Drexel alum. That is when I realized it is over. I am suppose to be a grown up now. Plan my finances, have a schedule, be a 9 to 5 person. That is when I realized, so much will start changing.

People tell me all the time I am over thinking. I should be happy, graduation is a beginning, and not an end. I know that. I know sooner or later I’ll get busy with all those worldly matters and in that daily grind. But right now, I think I am allowed to look back and feel like a part of me has decided to detach itself.

I was asked to raise a glass a toast to this day. And roughly this is what I said…

I know people tell me to be happy, to look for a beginning. But I am sad. Not because I think I will never be happy, but because I don’t know yet how to let go of a place which is almost 100% responsible for making me who I am. I made best of friends here, some friends who will come running to help me at 3 am. Some friends who understand me better than me sometimes. Some friends who care about me even when I fail to care about them.

Drexel is the place where I fell in love. It is the place where I met the love of my life and saw it slip away. This is where I felt the power of love and what it gets out of you.

Here is where I learned everything about America. I learned to be independent, and self sufficient. I learned how to talk to people of different cultures and nations. This is where I learned to be accepting and open minded. This is where I learned that everything is not black and white, everything cant be seen with one perspective.

And when I have learned so much, I don’t know just yet how to be ok without it. I dont know how to live anywhere but here. I dont know what to be but a Drexel student.

And that is why my friends I am sad for now, even though I know it is just a beginning.

So all that being said. I am done. And I am an alum.

I don’t even know what to say, and yet I do

I always thought there is a threshold to everything. After a while, when you are done taking a lot of crap, you are just done. You are done with giving more chances, believing it will work out, believing anything will ever change.

But right now I am wondering where my threshold is. I am wondering when do I get done with feeling like this time it will be different. I have always known people don’t change, situations change, but I tend to forget.

I have definitely become less spontaneous. I have more control over my emotions. I don’t lash out as easily. So even if I am waiting for the threshold to be reached, I can be in control. I think I have lost faith in talking things out all the time. Sometimes talking doesn’t work, what works is space and time (I tell you it’s the best), they solve a lot of issues. They create differences sometimes, but sometimes they give you an opportunity to be rational and evaluate what you have to lose and what to gain.

This time, where I am right now, I have nothing to lose, but I have something to lose at the same time. Something I have lost and have no intentions of regaining, and something I thought I could lose but the surprise that I got today is making me feel like it would be harder than I thought.

Right now I feel like I overvalued myself and undervalued something at the same time, and it’s making me face uncertainties. It’s so much easier to let go of someone when they mess up then doing it because you know it’s good for them and more over better for you.

If I had lower thresholds, I would let go much faster and not bother so much. I need to learn to stop before I get surprised, and then may be disappointed again. 

Side Note: Phewww…. 8 days into June and now I start talking. That is rare for me….

The TIME

They say “time can do so much.” I believe in that so much that I always leave it up to time, especially when it hurts too much. Then I know with time it will be fine, I just don’t ever know how much time.

Because time works almost every time, it makes me give up on things which make me a little upset or uneasy. Because I know sooner or later, it’ll be fine and it won’t bother me. Time is my best friend in way, it never disappoints. It’s there and it lets me know it will all be ok one day, I just don’t know when will that day come.

I don’t know why am I talking about all this right now. I think I am thinking about all that comes after graduation and how much time I have in my hands which is filled with uncertainty and probably a lot of boredom. And when time is going to slow, its credibility dies on me.

Making sense much?

Basically I am not much of a vacation person and when time is filled with nothingness, it stops working as a healer, it works as an instigator of unwanted thoughts.

Time time time.. I need it to be my best friend.

I know I am not making any sense.