Years of Blogging to Grow Up

Officially I am on vacation.

Which means I have time to think.

Which also means I think way too much about way too many, almost inconsequential things.

Which results in this crazy need to blog way more than I have in 2 years. Pheww.. wow

So... here it goes.. not making any particular sense as usual

I was talking to a friend, and talking about things in general, when she asked me, "Why don't you just blog and get it out your system." To that I response was, "Why would I do that?", to which she said, "Because that's what you always did."

Wow! I really did do that. For so long. Almost non-stop for 2 years. And then I stopped.

What does that mean? Does it mean I stopped thinking? Which is definitely not true by any means.

It only means, I started growing up, and understanding that the constant need to share information publicly is not that good after all. Also, I started working full time. A job that drives me nuts every day, but I love with all my heart.

And I am just somehow more aware of the crazies in the world. The things that people do with information (part of growing up I guess). The malice that exists. The way information can be used against you and taken out of context. All that.. scares me now.

I do know that this blog right here already in some way proves me to be an overly emotional person, but from where I am standing, this is seriously a completely open journal of me growing up. Sometimes, it makes me happy to go back and read some random stuff I wrote in 2008, and sometimes I feel like deleting it because I sound like an unstable college kid who spends her time worrying about stupid things. But all in all, it's my journey . It's a part of my life. It's MY crazies.

(Just wanted to say all that. Not being defensive, just random!!)

The CURIOUS neighbors

You know you have arrived in India, when people around you, and I mean random people who are your so called nosey neighbors, keep on pestering your mother to get you married, because well.. you are getting OLD.

OLD is anything over 24.

Seriously?

I cannot begin to tell how I pissed and annoyed I am by this. Mostly because that is not something you tell someone's mother, who is still grieving the loss of her husband, and doesn't want to force her daughter to make any life altering decisions such as "Getting Married."

I know this is normal here. I know when a girl is single after a certain age here, people become overly curious and overly chatty. But I refuse to deal with it. This whole thing, where all conversations begin with finding a groom, and end up having babies is seriously a reminder of how ignorant people are and on top of that, they don't even realize it.

Sigh!

Yeah, I am having issues with this whole part of the society. It's not that it affects me or makes me think "shit I am getting old," but it makes me disappointed more than anything else on how long a way so many parts of the society have to go.

All in all. I wish people got it. I do believe at the end of the day, it is a personal choice on how you chose to present your opinions in front of the others no matter what you believe in. You can be closed minded or super progressive, but how you interact with people and move socially is a personal choice. It saddens me even more than people still take so much interest in other people's business and do not know when to step back. That is their personal choice. And it is WRONG!

The "Coming Home" feelings

Couple of things happen every time I come back to Delhi. I feel a lot of things to start off, and I dwell on a lot of things.

This time is a little different. 

Mostly I just feel a lot of things.

To start with, I miss DAD more. Not that I don't miss him when I am in Philly, or some part of the US, but I miss him way more here. This is where it all is too real. The feeling of not coming home to him ever again. It's a bizarre feeling. It doesn't settle.

I also feel lost. But Overly responsible. I feel so much how I don't belong, and my world is just my mother and my sister. That's about it. I can be happy wherever they are happy. Doesn't matter if it's India or if it's South Dakota. Really doesn't matter.

(Now I am going to digress. And digress into what detaches me most.)

I know I am going to sound like one of those arrogant NRIs (Non Resident Indians), who leave India and when they come back have a problem with everything Indian when I say more, but I can't help it and say it. The root problem, the biggest problem is the LIE. Lying is so normal, natural and regular here. I guess I was a part of it 7 some years ago when I was barely an adult, but even then I remember I didn't understand why people lied about so many things. May be it's just a Delhi thing. But I wouldn't know. This is all I know in India.

The lying starts at the most basic level. Children are taught at school not to lie, but yet when they come home, they hear their parents saying, "Tell him I am not home," even when they are. There is lying with every sale that is made. "Madam, I will be there tomorrow for sure to install this for you," and yet you don't see him for another few days.When you call someone, they say, "I'll be there in 5 minutes, and yet they don't show up for another 5 hours." 

And all this is soooo cultural. It bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Why are people so attuned to not saying things as is. Why is it so normal not to trust people when they say something. Why do you have to call a million times to get a simple appliance fix in the house, only to hear them say, "I'll be there in 5 minutes," or even worse stop picking up your calls.

I know this is mundane to people who live here. They get so trapped in the mix, that after spending some time here, they do it themselves. That is the only way to get around your day to day craziness. Hell, may be even I will turn out to be like this. But do I want to?

No. Absolutely not. I don't mind apologizing if I am running late or coming clean. I like being told as is, even if it's not what I want to hear. I like being able to get things done on my own without a middle man. I like being able to trust a mechanic who comes over and fixes something, and not question his identity and intentions.

I like the life where I earn my wealth and my life without wondering about how will I survive in this crazy world without a man in the house (digressing again, I know). 

I am not being an arrogant b***h. I am just saying. 

I don't mind doing my laundry and dishes forever and not affording a maid. I do mind however, the lies, the chauvinism, and the, "there should be a man," in the house feeling.

I miss dad. He never let me face to face with the crazies. Now I don't have him. And i see the crazies all around me. And I don't like it. The man in the house is not there, and without him it's not easy. Not in India. And I feel detached. I love Delhi. But the people and the system. I am not so sure.

I know some people will hate me after reading this. But this is just my opinion. I know I am taking the easier route by complaining. But hey.. it's been hell of a year, and I chose to complaint!

Hi. Hello.

Not even sure if anyone is paying attention to this anymore.

The so called blogger in me is dead.

I have been consumed by corporate America, with absolutely no time or attention devoted to THE blog that in some ways kept me lively for a good 2 years. Wow.. 2 years.. just hit me.. that is long.

Anyhoo...

Today, while sulking with the fact that I have some sort of virus in my system that makes me feverish and lethargic, I realized work is not what I want to focus on. I want to focus on talking. And then I remembered. Remembered what I did, when I wanted to talk long time I ago. I blogged. I BLOGGED.

So here I am, typing away whatever the hell comes to my head. (No I am not dying, virus is the fancy word for, "you are sick, please stay in bed.")

I know I have said this a million times, but man.. work makes you feel older. I feel like life is just racing away, and before I know it I am racing through them years. I don't even realize when I turn a year older, and I wonder what next.

So much has changed, and yet in the past two years, so much has not. It's all about work, it's been all about work, and work people, and work places. I am absorbed in this crazy culture of competition, where sometimes you cannot breathe because you are going at 100 miles an hour

And at the same time... may be .. going at 100 miles is not that bad after all. May be this is how you learn all that you want, and all that you don't want at a faster pace than most people. Or may be, this race , is making me miss out on so much I could have gained on the way, only if I was going slower..may be.. i wouldn't know

(Btw, I started writing this a month ago, this is how bad I am at blogging right now)

Basically, I am getting older, and life is changing too fast,.. and well.. there is so much to look forward to.. and yet there isn't