Couple of things happen every time I come back to Delhi. I feel a lot of things to start off, and I dwell on a lot of things.
This time is a little different.
Mostly I just feel a lot of things.
To start with, I miss DAD more. Not that I don't miss him when I am in Philly, or some part of the US, but I miss him way more here. This is where it all is too real. The feeling of not coming home to him ever again. It's a bizarre feeling. It doesn't settle.
I also feel lost. But Overly responsible. I feel so much how I don't belong, and my world is just my mother and my sister. That's about it. I can be happy wherever they are happy. Doesn't matter if it's India or if it's South Dakota. Really doesn't matter.
(Now I am going to digress. And digress into what detaches me most.)
I know I am going to sound like one of those arrogant NRIs (Non Resident Indians), who leave India and when they come back have a problem with everything Indian when I say more, but I can't help it and say it. The root problem, the biggest problem is the LIE. Lying is so normal, natural and regular here. I guess I was a part of it 7 some years ago when I was barely an adult, but even then I remember I didn't understand why people lied about so many things. May be it's just a Delhi thing. But I wouldn't know. This is all I know in India.
The lying starts at the most basic level. Children are taught at school not to lie, but yet when they come home, they hear their parents saying, "Tell him I am not home," even when they are. There is lying with every sale that is made. "Madam, I will be there tomorrow for sure to install this for you," and yet you don't see him for another few days.When you call someone, they say, "I'll be there in 5 minutes, and yet they don't show up for another 5 hours."
And all this is soooo cultural. It bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Why are people so attuned to not saying things as is. Why is it so normal not to trust people when they say something. Why do you have to call a million times to get a simple appliance fix in the house, only to hear them say, "I'll be there in 5 minutes," or even worse stop picking up your calls.
I know this is mundane to people who live here. They get so trapped in the mix, that after spending some time here, they do it themselves. That is the only way to get around your day to day craziness. Hell, may be even I will turn out to be like this. But do I want to?
No. Absolutely not. I don't mind apologizing if I am running late or coming clean. I like being told as is, even if it's not what I want to hear. I like being able to get things done on my own without a middle man. I like being able to trust a mechanic who comes over and fixes something, and not question his identity and intentions.
I like the life where I earn my wealth and my life without wondering about how will I survive in this crazy world without a man in the house (digressing again, I know).
I am not being an arrogant b***h. I am just saying.
I don't mind doing my laundry and dishes forever and not affording a maid. I do mind however, the lies, the chauvinism, and the, "there should be a man," in the house feeling.
I miss dad. He never let me face to face with the crazies. Now I don't have him. And i see the crazies all around me. And I don't like it. The man in the house is not there, and without him it's not easy. Not in India. And I feel detached. I love Delhi. But the people and the system. I am not so sure.
I know some people will hate me after reading this. But this is just my opinion. I know I am taking the easier route by complaining. But hey.. it's been hell of a year, and I chose to complaint!
This time is a little different.
Mostly I just feel a lot of things.
To start with, I miss DAD more. Not that I don't miss him when I am in Philly, or some part of the US, but I miss him way more here. This is where it all is too real. The feeling of not coming home to him ever again. It's a bizarre feeling. It doesn't settle.
I also feel lost. But Overly responsible. I feel so much how I don't belong, and my world is just my mother and my sister. That's about it. I can be happy wherever they are happy. Doesn't matter if it's India or if it's South Dakota. Really doesn't matter.
(Now I am going to digress. And digress into what detaches me most.)
I know I am going to sound like one of those arrogant NRIs (Non Resident Indians), who leave India and when they come back have a problem with everything Indian when I say more, but I can't help it and say it. The root problem, the biggest problem is the LIE. Lying is so normal, natural and regular here. I guess I was a part of it 7 some years ago when I was barely an adult, but even then I remember I didn't understand why people lied about so many things. May be it's just a Delhi thing. But I wouldn't know. This is all I know in India.
The lying starts at the most basic level. Children are taught at school not to lie, but yet when they come home, they hear their parents saying, "Tell him I am not home," even when they are. There is lying with every sale that is made. "Madam, I will be there tomorrow for sure to install this for you," and yet you don't see him for another few days.When you call someone, they say, "I'll be there in 5 minutes, and yet they don't show up for another 5 hours."
And all this is soooo cultural. It bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Why are people so attuned to not saying things as is. Why is it so normal not to trust people when they say something. Why do you have to call a million times to get a simple appliance fix in the house, only to hear them say, "I'll be there in 5 minutes," or even worse stop picking up your calls.
I know this is mundane to people who live here. They get so trapped in the mix, that after spending some time here, they do it themselves. That is the only way to get around your day to day craziness. Hell, may be even I will turn out to be like this. But do I want to?
No. Absolutely not. I don't mind apologizing if I am running late or coming clean. I like being told as is, even if it's not what I want to hear. I like being able to get things done on my own without a middle man. I like being able to trust a mechanic who comes over and fixes something, and not question his identity and intentions.
I like the life where I earn my wealth and my life without wondering about how will I survive in this crazy world without a man in the house (digressing again, I know).
I am not being an arrogant b***h. I am just saying.
I don't mind doing my laundry and dishes forever and not affording a maid. I do mind however, the lies, the chauvinism, and the, "there should be a man," in the house feeling.
I miss dad. He never let me face to face with the crazies. Now I don't have him. And i see the crazies all around me. And I don't like it. The man in the house is not there, and without him it's not easy. Not in India. And I feel detached. I love Delhi. But the people and the system. I am not so sure.
I know some people will hate me after reading this. But this is just my opinion. I know I am taking the easier route by complaining. But hey.. it's been hell of a year, and I chose to complaint!
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