Complexities

Every blog has a theme, and every blogger follows it very unintentionally. Every blog is like an insight into what the blogger is made off. The perceptions and outlook of the blogger come out very subtly, but very clearly through what is written by him or her.

And so I have a type too, the complex type, and my complexities are very much reflected in what I write. I write about things or matters (at least these days), which are utterly ridiculous to some people, while at the same time very engaging to others. I do a lot of analysis and a lot of soul searching, and I never even planned on doing that when I started writing.

These days, I am so tired that I should be barely able to think, but when I go to bed at night, my brain thinks. It's weird. While I am awake, all I want to do is sleep, and when I am trying to sleep, my brain makes up stuff, unreal stuff, stuff that seems so real, that I have to actually get up and be sure whether that happened or not.

I have not been this exhausted in very long, so I think my mind is taking its time to adjust to all this, hence the weird sleep cycle and implications.

I do not know why certain things that are happening to me are happening at all. I am the happiest person one day, and the saddest the next day. But overall, I am content with life, there are things that I want, but I think my needs are very much in check.

Tia from Clever Girl Goes Blog says,

"I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I don't pretend to understand life completely, but sometimes it's easier to take comfort in the fact that there are things that are out of your control."

And I can't help but agree to her. You don't have to be in control all the time, and since I have been pretty much in control all the time, not letting things get to me enough to make me question them, this time I should just accept that God has a plan for me, and sometimes it takes much longer for one to understand it.

That was a vague thing to put in, I know. I put it there because I think my tiredness and unsleepiness (I know that's not even a word) is accentuated with my complexities and the uncertainties.

I think my complexities hurt people sometime, especially my close friends. Not that I hurt them directly, but what I say makes them think, and then hurts them. I do not wish to do that, I never wanted to do that, and I don't know how I managed to that. But I want that to change.

I don't know how many of who read my blog, even like it. I wonder whether what I write makes them think too. If it does, then that is not my intention, and I apologize for all the drama that I induce, if any.

I plan to uncomplexify things. Not intentionally, but unintentionally. So hopefully that should happen.

Trying to find meaning in everything

There are times when every song you listen, every story that you hear, every movie scene that you see and so many other things make you think and make you relate. You want to find a meaning to them, and they are no more just a source of entertainment.

One wise person once told me that finding meaning to everything is pointless. Sometimes somethings are said and done and showed to you just to entertain your senses, for a split second (may be more than that), to insinuate emotions... both sad and happy.

Apart from movies or TV shows or even songs, there are other things you should probably never find meanings in. Things that people say to you when you are vulnerable and they know that damn well that you are. I don't think people ever really change in general unless of course something drastic happens, and expecting them to change is asking for too much, so believe in what you know, and not in what you figure out when you are vulnerable.

I know it's hard to follow things sometimes, and not find meanings to everything and maintain your rationale, but its important to know that the world around is based on rules, rules that ask you to protect yourself, rules that tell you that even the bestest of your friends can be selfish, and would think about themselves first, rules that tell you to follow those rules.

And then there are things you can't attach meanings to, and you look for them. You look for them everywhere, you toss and turn at nights to figure things out, you try and match everything for it to make sense, but in the end it never makes sense. Moral of the story.. some things are meaningless. They are said and done for the moment. They are fillers for empty conversations or blank spaces between certain sentences. They are just MEANINGLESS!

I wont blame the reader for not getting what I just wrote. I probably dont get it myself. I do, but in a way I dont. I swear if you dont know me, and you read this blog, you are probably convinced that all I do is deep think. That is actually not true. Just thought I'll throw that in here. :D

Ignorance my friend is truly BLISS

I am one of those people who always want to know. Like always. I want to know where everyone in the house is, I want to know what my friends are doing so that I can jump on their free time, I want to know about their love life and other things and so on and so forth.

That is normal I guess, but for a change I think I do not want to know. I mean not about what they are doing and all, but in general I feel like not knowing sometimes is awesome. I am like a walking talking calendar for people. My roomies usually just come to me and ask where the others are, because they know I'll know. In other words, I know too much. Always, about everyone. I am not saying I am this person who people confide in, I am not, I can be an awfully self centered piece of a being, but I just like to know.

Some people like Pooja of course (my critic for every thing, the only person who can boss me around without actually pissing me off) tell me how I know too much. So once I decided not to know, and my curiosity levels rose like crazy, and I started thinking and thinking and thinking and then there was silence, peace, and no desire to know. It's like withdrawing from drugs. Its an addiction. Addiction to know. And even though its not life taking, its definitely life defining. I wish I wanted to know so much about Physics concepts, or art, or sociological theories, there would have been some rewards, but no I decide to stick to knowing about my friends.

I wonder what god was thinking while creating me. Yes its good to know, but no .. information overload is never ever good. What's the point in dissecting everything, in analyzing everything, in knowing everything. May be not knowing sometimes, being ignorant is a blessing. May be its saving yourself some energy, and giving you the opportunity to spend time on things that actually matter.

It's amazing how I spend so much time actually writing about what I want to change about myself. How the hell did I manage to gain so much imperfection. I was not always like that, but this whole self searching is happening way too much. That's why spring is awesome, it just keeps me in a good mood, even if I have reasons (pointless sometimes) to die inside.

On a different note, I start work on Monday. So basically six months of no school work, and a lot of free weekends. I have done it before and I know how the first 3 months fly by, and then the next 3 seem like a drag, but still I am looking forward to it. Change is good, change is motivating :).

And now I have to get back to studying, I have final due soon and instead I am spending time on my blog. I think I now have an addiction to writing too. Not that it's bad, but says something about my addiction issues (the knowing addiction). Technology sucks I swear, youtubing, blogging, iming does not let me study!!!

Letting go!

This is for all my friends who have sat through my emotional bullshit, and made faces (not that it ever stopped me), and asked me to just let it go.

Dear friends, the good news is, I just let go. No more do I want to know anything, or ask anything, or question anything. There is no want whatsoever. I kinda just wanna get done with finals right now.Sigh!

So yes Pooja, Ankit, Ali and George. I have spared you people for now, till I find a new thing to fuss over (hopefully shouldnt happen soon, I am kinda over all the drama).

On a side note, I feel homeless right now. Oh that feeling has creeped in again. Sigh!
Currently I am sitting outside at 3 am..lol. Actually that's the weather.

The point being I have let go!!!

And now I have to manage to get to an 8 am final without dying. I generally do not pull off all nighters so I have no idea why am I doing this. The problem is going to bed before 3 am seems like weird, and after doing that waking up at 7 am seems impossible, so I decided to bridge that gap and just not sleep.

I have nothing to end this one. I just need coffee!

One more list!

This is a list of all those hopeless lines said in a million romantic movies that I unfortunately I believe in somewhere deep down inside (yes yes I know what you are thinking)..

• If you love someone, let them leave, if they come back then they love you, else it was never meant to be
• Love makes you cry, it makes you sad, but most of all it gives you the happiness that can never be surpasses
• There is no thing like love at first sight, but there is love forever
• "I think of you every time a breathe, I wonder whether you do it too, because if you do then honey I am never going anywhere"
• Growing old together is all I need
• Love and friendship always go in hand in hand, if you can find your best friend in the one you love, that is match made in heaven
• "I think I am pretty much screwed for loving you."

I can think of others, but these are the ones I like. Hopeless hopeless.
haha!

Things that make me happpy :D

Since I am a normal human being, there are some things that make me happy :D
Actually I think there are a lot of things, but still since I seem to forget it a lot of times, I thought I'll share.. :D

• Shahrukh. The man just makes me happy, I mean all he has to do is appear on screen
• Mommy. Have not seen her in almost 2 years. The thought of seeing her makes me happy.
• Friends back home. When they call every month even though I tend to forget. Abhinav, Shaarang, Mansi, Rupa and Aakriti
• Guitar Hero. Playing it with some certain few at a certain place makes me happy.
  
• Being random makes me happy.
  
• Talking to Asia makes me happy
• Seeing Rob after so long made me happy, and I realize how seeing Marie in summer will make me happy

I think I make too many lists. lol!!!

This is one of my random being happy moments. hehe. I just am.. dunno why. I would love it to last all through finals week.

Patience is indeed a virtue!

So yes I am impatient. I do not possess the special quality PATIENCE. And I just figured that out.

Some certain events in my life just made me realize that. I freak out way to easily and then I say/do things which later I realize could have been done differently.

The thing is though, how do I gain patience. How do I develop the qualities that can teach me to calm down, and learn to wait. Not forever, but at least for a while.

I think a lot of impatience comes with being pessimistic. I tend to think that if I don't solve an issue right then and there, then it can never ever be solved. I think only bad stuff will happen, since I am unlucky with a lot of stuff, and then I make situations worse.

Well, at least I realize that now. I mean that is step one, aint it. :D

So ya.... I hope I fix this. Even though I think I am too old for any amends. lol!

I never knew!

I never ever knew that I was capable of being extremely outraged by something that in reality might not even exist.

I am a girl, and possess all feminist qualities, and hence emotions come in bundles. I am impatient with them, I need to burst them out right there and then. That usually is not a good idea, because then I say things I regret.

Being calm and cool is the key, but I have to talk every damn thing out. I wish I could just stop that. Things do need to be talked out, but some things just need time. Some things just need to flow, and reach the end on their own. Some things are never meant to be discussed.

So I want to change one more thing about me now, the need to talk it out all the time. The need to know all the time, and learn to just let it be!!!

On a side note, I love how vague I can be here. It is kinda awesome.. haha. I reach the surface but never dig in deep. I love blogging :D

And please excuse the typos in this one. I am using stupid IE!

And then I dreamed!

A girl can dream, a girl can hope, and a girl can wish, but what's the point?? Sometime I really want the stars to shine as bright as they could, sometimes I really want it to rain, sometimes I want to be loved like there is no tomorrow, and sometimes I just want to leave, even if I could not.

I think of the life I can have, and see so many amazing things around, so many amazing people around, but even then sometimes I dare to dream. It seems like nothing you have is enough, and there is always this want.. when all u need is the need.

Today, at this very moment, I want certain things. Certain things that will make the world seem so much better, even though I do love my present world. I see so many nice things around, I see so many things that I cherish, but want to see some more love around. Whatever happened to falling in love and being crazy in love.. to commitments.. to passion... to adventure.. to doing the stupidest things.. to following your heart.

Everyone around me seems to be doing the right thing for themselves, things that will take them places, and things that will not call them stupid. May be those people are following their hearts, or may be they are just too scared of getting hurt, or of being laughed at.

I dream to have that craziness around me where people follow their heart, and just do things because in their heart they are just falling in love and loving it. I have been hurt, and may be I will be hurt again, but still I see the beautiful, I try and follow my heart (not that it happens all the time, after all I am part of the crowd), and I wish..I dream.. I love!!!!