The drama magnet

Once upon a time (to be precise 1 year 7 months) I was asking God for some drama. Life was very boring, there was nothing exciting happening, and the day was all about school, work and some more school.

And then he decided to listen to me, and grant me my wish. He actually took me way too seriously and since then I have never ever been away from some kind of drama or the other. Even when I don’t do anything drama follows. It is quite something.

So it all started with me being the drama (sigh! yes yes I accept), and then after almost a year getting out of it, and then drama following me when all I did was NOTHING. I actually sometimes think that I should stay away from people, and interact with them on a minimal basis. Because whenever meeting certain few people is a daily thing, I get ummmm…. screwed.

I am actually tired of it at this point in time. I don’t really want more of it in any form what so ever. It is too time consuming, and for someone like me really emotionally taxing. Sometimes I just want to go somewhere where I can start afresh without knowing anything about anyone’s past, and without anyone knowing anything about my past.

(I dont think I will like going away.. but you know what I mean)

On a different note may be its just me? May be I am the one who creates it in some way or the other. I don’t know right now. It is very confusing. May be I am just a drama magnet…..

Where to draw the line

We as Indians are collective people. Before making any decisions we take into account a lot things. We like to help people which is sometimes a good level of interference. And I guess we sometimes don’t know where to draw the line.

It is important to know where to stop. Yes you are amazing friends with the person and you want to tell them what to do, and advice them on things, but you simply cant dictate things to them. And sometimes there is no right or wrong. Just because someone is more vocal about their feelings does not mean he or she is suffering more, and the other one is at fault.

As a third person we can never figure out things to the T. We can be very collective in nature, but where we live now, the culture we draw from now, makes us independent. We can not behave like your business is my business. Because we don’t live in that world anymore. Even if mean good, we can never just say what we want you to do, we just can’t!

I like to speak my mind, and tell someone on their face if they are messing up, but I guess there is a line I don't cross. I know how much can peak in, and how much I can’t…

Oh well, I wish things did not always have to get all this difficult and people understood people and some people just understood how to deal with the grey…

(Btw, i am sick so a 100 mistakes in this post can not be taken against me…)

That weird sensation

Pehli baar mohabbat ki hai.. aakhri baar mohabbat ki hai

Sigh! Is that not the feeling every time you go crazy about a person. You feel like you have never felt like that before, and this might just be it till of course it is not.

The moment you start liking someone and spending time with them, there is this weird feeling you get where you don’t know where this is going. You still do it, because as I said you don’t know where this is going

That stage is the most happy stage of any relationship. There is nothing to expect, there are no fights, there are no complexities. This is when everything seems perfect, and going your way. The problems start when you start wanting more…

Sometimes spending too much with a person makes him or her grow on you, and the habit seems like something more. It is very hard to differentiate between a habit and a want. I wonder whether anyone really possesses that skill.

But all I know that feeling of just getting to know someone and hoping for nothing more is kinda miraculous. May be the best ever… because your mind doesn not work over time.. Sigh.. some feeling!

Your own judgment or what people say??

When you meet people or make new friends you create your own understanding of them. You have no prior knowledge of them, and more often than not you start at a neutral ground working onwards with the first impression.

If the first time you met and that person made you smile, you seemed to get along, the prospect of hanging out with them or being friends with them seems refreshing, worthwhile and welcoming. On the other hand, if they rubbed you the wrong way the first time, there is a high possibility there wont be a next time unless of course there is no choice.

And then there is a third case. A case where you have your impression of the person that you created after meeting them a couple of times or even over a month or so, and then you get to know certain things about that person from people who have known them since years.

In a perfect world, you will stick by what you think of that person and try and make an image of them based on your interaction, but this world is not so perfect after all.. is it??

When I was younger, grade 9 may be, I had a group of friends. In comes a new guy, who hated me for his own reasons (it was mutual), he said somethings to all my so called friends in that group, and each and everyone of them stopped talking to me. 6 people. All gone in a jiffy for something I did not even know I did, and they in fact knew me longer than this new boy did.

(Just to make it clear they all did come around after some years, only then I was over the whole friends thing with them… just making clear.. nothing else)

I learned from that experience. I learned to not judge people based on hear say. But sometimes its hard to follow it. If you make new friends who have their old friends who are your friends too and these old friends have an opinion or facts or rumors about the new friends. What will you do? Put your guard up? Continue to learn them on your own? Believe what the old ones have to say? Seriously what will you do??

This question bothers me a lot. Because sometimes judging by what others say becomes really important….

So your own judgment or what people say?

Think hard… its really about those people

When I look around I see happy faces, sad faces, faces with questions, and some with anticipation. I look around and I try to make sense of everything that happens everyday. People lie, people stand up for you, people leave, its people around you that shape your lives.

As we grow up we are asked to be ambitious, independent, wise and honest. In the midst of everything we see around us we manipulate our beliefs. We make our own right and our own wrong. We create a journey of our own where we learn from people. We learn that honesty is not what they always want, we learn that they may be independent, but their feelings are not.

There are some people you chose to be with. They define your happiness and your sadness. They influence you in ways you did not even know existed. They create your paths, and sometimes alter them. Some people say that they do not need anyone, they make and break relationships easily, but they are just lying.  Even if they don’t know that.

You hide things, because you do not want to lose those people. Some day if it comes out, you lose them, and sometimes you pretend. Everything you do is because of the people you chose.

If I tell you my story word to word and you knew all my history, will you go along with me. May be not, so may be I should hide some stuff, and just move along.

That's the line you work on. Because you know you hide, to be with those people.

So everyone who thinks its about themselves. Think again. It is in your mind, but in the end its about the people. They make you grow up, and learn so much more than you ever imagined.

And I hate that I love you so

I am an emotional person (that has been established by now). I don’t like to keep grudges, at least not make things awkward and weird. I can be happy with just being cordial.

All that has nothing to do with the way I feel inside. Honestly, I don’t even know how I feel, or what I feel sometimes. But I know for a fact that it takes a lot and lot of effort from my side to get into a relationship with someone. I know I just can’t unless I am crazy about the person and can’t think rationally.

At this moment, right now, at present I know I am not crazy about anyone. I am still where I was sometime ago, only I dont expect anything in return, I don’t want to fix anything, I am just happy being away from all the drama that was deeply fostered in my life. I like it like this.

But but and one more but…. I know I am not over a lot of things. I dont think I will be anytime soon. You know how they say, “there is this one time you will that craze and love, and then you may not feel it ever again,” and that’s the case for me. At least right now. I don’t know if its love, or just the loss. But I feel like that. And if its love then I swear I hate that I love you so….

This song right here, is what my life was… and this is what it will not be… or this is what I wont feel for a long long time to come…

May be its just love I am unlucky in

Do you believe in luck? Do you believe in God? Do you believe that sometimes if you don’t get something you really wanted, it was for a greater good?

I believe in all that. And I also believe that more often than not God’s on my side. He looks after me, and he makes things happen. I worry too much. And then one day, things just fall into place, and I don't even know how….

Yes I have been extremely unlucky with love but then may be its not time for love yet? May be I should fix other things in my life first, and then may be one day some day love will come along.

I am told in some way or other that I need to prioritize, and right now, at this very point in my life LOVE is not as important. So many things I have to do…

• Find a job
• Find a job in a city where I can live
• Think about what if I dont find a job
• Focus on school and things associated with school
• Buy that dream house, or at least a house back in Delhi
• Budget up some stuff

(I can probably think of more stuff, but obviously I am too sleepy to think in the middle of the day.)

So since I am just 22, I can probably say, “no time for love..” and just be happy with that. It is not like its end of the world right now…. :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Fight for it

I think I have said this before in one of my earlier posts but I want to talk about it once more.

People are so self obsessed and worry about looking bad, that they let go of people they could have fought for. When you love someone whether a friend or a lover, then you have to fight for it especially when you see them slipping away because of any reason.

(And no fighting doesn't mean crying your eyes out and begging the other person, and losing all self respect)

People make mistakes, and the ones you love sometimes get lost. Then its your job to fight for them. It will hurt, it has to. You will see resistance and you will hear some things that you never wanted to hear, but then you love that person, so fight for it till you know you have done enough. You will know, trust me you will.

If that person goes away, then you will be hurt and feel like you have lost so much while fighting, but one thing you will achieve is peace. Peace from the fact that you know you did what you could, you stood there and waited as much as you could, you gave your everything, and you tried your best and there is nothing more you could have done.

Fight for your friend. Fight for your friendship, especially when you did something wrong. If you are truly guilty, and feel that you have to fix what you have done then fight for that friend. Fight till you can show that you are guilty, and never will do it again. Do what you can. Because fighting for something, and not just watch it go by makes you guilt free. It makes you powerful. It makes you value friendships and people in your life. It will never leave you alone.

So fight for your lover who is confused, fight for your friend who you hurt, fight for that love that you know will make you lead that happy life.

The Senior year Syndrome

The last year of college is always a roller coaster. People always have mixed views on it. Some say its the easiest, and some say its the hardest. For me its the latter, but obviously a lot of other factors come into play.

• I have to take a full load of classes every term to graduate with a Bachelors and a Masters.
• I have at least two meetings every week for some reason or the other
• I work almost 20 hours a week
• I like to socialize, I make it to movies and bars
• I have at least one event to plan or attend every which btw include weekends

And all these are apart from the regular mind boggling job hunting issues while recession that take place in senior year.

Basically I am very busy, and I love it.

(The problem is all this going to end soon.. less than 9 months.. that’s all I have, and then it’s over.)

Senior year does feel different. There is an anticipation. There is a fear. And most of all there are those promises of the future….

Confusion

Honestly, I am not in a position/situation/condition to like anybody. But at least that’s what I think. (It’s very true too)

I mean I still try to avoid/ignore somethings because they ummm… make me very uneasy.

But since some days now I get those happy feelings/urges/temptations to talk to someone. It is weird. I don't know what it is, because I just don't.

It’s not a craze, or butterflies or, “I see you and I smile” stuff but it is something…

(Something new ;))

Well, it might just be temporary. You know one of those 2 week thingies.

If its not.. then I think I truly am god’s favorite child.. (since he always finds a good way out for me)

So basically… for a change I am confused..lol.. fun stuff!

When someone says, “I love you”

The irony of the world is when you really really really want someone to be in love with you it does not happen. And when you really don’t want someone to be in love with you, it happens.

Girls like me (yes like me) want to be loved when in a relationship. We do not do, “oh this is just casual” stuff. (Sucks). So obviously we have been through the times when it has hurt like anything when that does not happen and the boy in question believes in, “oh this is just casual” stuff.

So when someone says, “I love you” and we dont feel the same, we feel guilty. Real guilty. Because we know how much it hurts. And we wish we could be in love with that person, but obviously that does not happen.

Why can’t things just be simpler?? May be we should just give it a shot and date them and see how it goes. But then again, girls like me wont get out of it because

1. we dont cheat (i mean most of us dont)
2. we feel way too guilty
3. we’ll make it work and be there

but we will not be in love with the guy. That’s unfair to him too.

but again, may be we should go for it, cuz as they all say, “Be with someone who loves you, not someone who you love.”

(My brain works over time. Especially after midnight.)

Just run!

So you have tried everything to fix your head. You have tried telling yourself that nothing can bother you, no matter what is done, what is said. You see it and pretend to be fine. You seem it not giving a rat’s ass and you still pretend to be fine, because that is how it is suppose to be, and you do that everyday, every damn day

And then one day you know it is not working…….

That’s when you know this whole thing about people saying.. “face it” is absolute BS. Facing something which is unfixable is way worse than running away. Then you know you should have run away long back. Just disappeared. Just left.

So just run away, run as far as you can till you never see it no matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you look back, no matter how long it has been, just RUN!

(Honestly, this is not some self pity, sad stuff, it just works :) )

Lets smile

So apparently I can not be a bitch to people even if I know I should be. I mean seriously, how stupid can I be.

Well I think I care about the other people around and I do not want to make it awkward for them, so I smile and laugh and just chill. After all those other people do matter.. sigh!!

Keeping appearances. How often we have to do that. It is kinda sad.

I know though I have not forgotten, so until I do, lets just smile :)

Just when you think its over …..

It is not. It is not even close to being over.

Somethings take very very very long to get over. For some time you may feel that its over, but it is not truly over till you see it and you dont seem to care.

Pretence is a wonderful aspect of human nature. You can act and behave the way you want to so that it does not see that you are still captivated in the realms of that unwanted place, but the truth is you know its not over, and you dont even know when will it be over.

You get used to it. You play along. You dont even complain because it becomes a part of your everyday. Somedays it seems like its over, but then again its not. It wont be over till it has to be.

So I know its not over yet. I want it to be over more than ever before. I want to know how does it feel when its over.

If I were a boy

I really like what Beyonce says. It is so true.

I wish I were a boy sometimes, then may be I would try and love a girl as much as a girl can love a man?

May be then I would always pick up her phone instead of disconnecting it? Just tell her I am busy instead of ignoring her.

But as she says…

But you are just a boy, you dont understand

You dont listen to her, you dont care how it hurts

Until you lose the one you wanted, cuz you had taken her for granted, and everything you have got destroyed……

Tuscon, Arizona

It is indeed different. very very different.

The first thing you will see as soon as you step out of that small airport is cactus. Cactus here, cactus there, here, there, everywhere.

And then when you look around outside your cab window, you will wonder how on this planet did you not imagine a place like this.

(May be this is a little exaggeration)

It is hot here, super hot. I am lucky to be here during fall and my nights are nice. The city is spaced out. The only place to go really is the university area where there are a couple of good restaurants and bars. Hotels are amazing, and huge. JW Marriot is Tuscon is stretched along a mile or may be 2? Beer is darn cheap, food is delicious and over all it is nothing like Philly.

Everyone who is here with me attending Grace Hopper 2009 says it is different and nice, but I can’t stay here. That is true. The place has hardly any public transportation and no grass, no trees. I am not a fan of nature (I think I have made that clear), but living in a desert is not what I want either.

(Such a confused soul… sigh)

Expectations

I expect too much. I should not beyond a certain point.

It makes my friends awkward. It makes everything weird. I don’t understand where everything is going, I can’t tell myself not to, it’s my fault.

Deep inside I know I should change it. I just dont know how.

May be I need to give them space. I need to get away from them, so that they dont have to chose. So that they are not awkward.

No matter what I say, what I do, I cant seem to come a notch or two down.

I see people happier when they live in the moment

I think thats the key