Two months later

It's been two months since I last wrote. Probably the longest I have ever gone without saying anything here.


I was just doing my normal browsing, watching random movies bit right now. Not working or answering emails for a change (everyone seems to be out of office for a week or so, hence I get the honor of not replying to emails or working this weekend). And then I thought, what did I do earlier in my free time or time when I didn't have work on my mind. I blogged.


Everyone seems to tell me how I have become this unreachable person. Not because I don't answer calls, reply to messages or personal emails, but because they don't know if its a good time.


Really?


It's only been a little over a year since I have been working. I am by means one of those top of the food chain, calling shots executive but it seems like I still come across as the unreachable kinds. Wonder what am I doing wrong?


For instance, one of my closest friend told me some time back, she doesn't call/text me because she doesn't know if I will even answer back. The funny thing there though is, whenever she has tried to get hold of me, I have answered back, even if the answer has been I'll talk to you later.


I think its just me. I need to fix few things about this whole, "she's so busy" persona. So to achieve that, I want to pen down my famous lists (which seem to have become an ancient thing now) and make few changes

• Don't talk about work
• Don't tell people how busy you are (everyone is)
• Don't even tell your work friends what you worked on
• Don't map out the country like it's mapping out a county and act like you know the country when you you don't
• Don't answer emails when with friends
• Don't act like you know it all
• Basically, don't do anything that you do in relation with work

Phew... that was an easy list to make. All I have to do, is not do anything that I do right now in terms of referencing my work life outside of work.

Good.

On a different note, A very merry Christmas everyone. I hope everyone has amazing holidays and Santa brings the best presents to all of you :)

I am hoping to do my annual list of the year that was this time. I will definitely try to get to that this year ( I know I skipped last year).

Till then talk to you all soon!

Freaking out

So I have established I do very well under pressure and deadlines and I suck when I don't have deadlines.


Anyways that is not what I want to talk about, but rather some other things I have established.


I don't have faith in people when it comes to believing they'll be there in times of sadness and need. This has been established based on certain incidents in the past some weeks. As it appears, I am not that chill either with uncertainty and anticipation, I freak out and want to run away.


The point here is, I know all these things about myself, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it while not spoiling my relationships with people. The only fix in my head is to say 'bye-bye it was nice knowing you.'


It's amazing how I lose my sleep and food over things that are mostly the creation of my mind, sometimes instigated by minor events or few upsetting comments. And even worse is, I repeat, I can control it with most people, because I try not to be attached, but with some people, the ones I am attached to but not completely well versed to their personality, I have PhD in freaking out.


Sigh!


(This is my emotional outburst after maintaining a sane silence on heart filling information)


I sometimes really wonder is it just me, or the woman kind is like that in general. I would like to believe it is not just me and we are one of a kind, but when I am freaking out, every other woman seems so sane, that I sometimes doubt my capability to rationalize in instant situations.


(Not that you all want to understand the ***k out of me)


One thing I would like to add though, all this freaking out usually lasts for a few hours, may be a day, and once I am done freaking out, all I do is wonder why the hell was I freaking out in the first place.


Go figure!


It's almost like I have two parts to the sane part of my brain (Makes sense?)


I think I function best without attachments of sorts, but good friendships of sorts (This definitely doesn't make sense to you, I am very sure of that)


Anyhoo... today apart from all the meaningless conversation I just had with the internet up there, has been a very good day (I know it's not over it). Being recognized at work, makes my life go high-five itself. I wish I had way more of these awesome days. But then I think they only come after a couple of 14 hours days... had one of those yesterday.


Which really brings me to hopefully my last point, sleep after being exhausted at work, is the best sleep ever made by mankind God. I slept for barely 5 hours but the best 5 hours.


:D


So yeah basically I wonder how to not freak out.


P.S: I know I have typos all the time, but I am too impatient to double check. Can't lose that flow yo.

It's not what they all think

I was told today I need to think about things beyond work by someone who sees me once a week and has no idea about my hours the other four days.


She just came to my desk and said, "I get it you are young, but making work your life will not help much some years down the lane"


And after hearing that, I seriously wonder why does everyone, and I mean everyone think, all I do is work. I do have a social life, I do manage to see some friends every now and then, I do manage to talk to family, see them some times and I do manage to fit all that, in those 2 days off I get.


All I don't have is someone to come home to, which I guess is evident with my late working hours, but why is that so very important? I am not saying, it's something I am against, but all I am asking is why is it something that is considered an important thing to have, so important in fact, that unless you are with someone, people think you are lonely.


I know some of them care, but what if I genuinely believe that I am not made for all that? I always felt that I am at my sanest without having to worry about another soul in my life (apart from my family of course). It makes me more sensible, more driven, more focussed, more at ease. It makes me free, and trust me I like it that way and I don't think I'll trade my life with anyone at this point.


So as I said, I am not saying I am this, "I don't want to be in a relationship" girl. All I am saying is I am not, "I need to be in a relationship" girl. I'd rather be sad and lonely and a workaholic girl (according to the world that is), than be with someone who doesn't love me like there is no tomorrow, and I feel the same. And that my friends is a rarity, but I don't wanna do a 'regular.'


So yeah, that's my "relationship" post after ages. Its amazing how all I get to hear is "find a boy" these days. Sigh. Especially at work.

I think I am not a blogger anymore..sigh

It's sad how I don't feel like a blogger anymore.


I mean I can go on and on about how life is busy, and there isn't much time to sit down and write a blog post, but that's not the entire reason. 


The reason I think is I don't think about anything but work. I sleep, eat, drink, walk and talk work. (Very uncool I know), and the last thing I want is to blog about it too. I don't have any complaints and some people might think it's a sad and boring thing to do, but for some reason, I don't mind it. At least, not yet.


I am pretty sure, one year down the lane, I will crave for holidays and vacations and time away from work. But right now, that's not the case. I sometimes do feel the long Mondays where I get up at 4:30 am to catch a 7:30 am flight but apart from that, this is what I wanted, and this is what I love, so if doing this means I have no life, oh well, let that be the case.


And on the bright side, (I realized that while typing this post) all this working is making me stack up loads of miles and hotel points. I already have 2 nights free with Hilton (now that should be the cool part).


But yeah, the point of my post was, how I am not a blogger anymore. This is lamest I have been in more than 2 years of blogging. A part of it is having practically no personal life, and another part, may be I was never a true blogger. 


Sigh!

I see my future in the ‘Air’

Don’t go by the title, by no means I mean that my future is uncertain. I mean I see it literally being spent in ‘air’ in a plane.

It took me almost 24 hours to get from Portland Airport to the Philadelphia Airport which actually is enough for me to fly to India and not get tired by it.

(Random: Just to make it easy I would like to call airports by the short names, I kinda know most, just saves me some trouble, so basically 24 hours to get from PDX to PHL)

So American Airlines decided the easiest (cheapest really) to fly me back home would be to fly me to SEA from PDX, then DFW from SEA and then finally PHL from DFW.

Here is the thing though, why in the world couldn’t they fly me from PDX to DFW directly. Why? What’s the point? Especially when they kept on asking people to give up their seats for the flight from PDX to SEA. Why? Beyond me.

And then at SEA, the plane miraculously decided to have mechanical issues that made us stand on the runway for more than an hour making most people miss their connections in DFW, and obviously I was one of those people.

Now Dallas may be a good city, but it’s in Texas for God’s sake. Public transportation is non-existent in that place, and for someone like me who can’t drive (even though I was just there to sleep for 10 some hours), a city with no public transportation is on my ‘city never to visit’ list.

Anyhoo…

American Airlines did only one good thing that entire trip. Got me a nice hotel to stay in for the night. I walked into West In, and immediately felt relieved. The anticipation of a comfy bed was very fulfilling at that time.

And then I decided to go eat at the bar which should have been just me and my wine and my salad, but that turned out to be the three of us with some army men. Now, never have I interacted with U.S Army men, I have heard stories and tales, but nothing first hand, and so that kicked off one eventful night.

At 10 pm, I was sure of getting at least 5 hours of sleep, by 3 am I realized that will not happen, and hence my awesome comfy bed, in an awesome hotel was not slept on. What a waste. But, I had an amazing night talking about war stories, and army life. So my night in Dallas, became one of the very good nights of my life.

Who knew??

Basically, the point of this whole tale/rant was how I see my future being spent like this like a nomad. I start work soon, and I know I’ll prolly have a project that will require me to fly a lot, and if I get stuck like this all the time, I’ll end up getting no sleep, and never reaching Philly for more than 24 hours.

Sigh!

My future is in the air.

But hey, who’s complaining! My choice, my life!