I can’t replace you

I wish I knew it was our last kiss. Years later I still wish it. Is that weird? Knowing that you could never find something to replace that feeling?

I see people around me who replace friends, lovers, relationships, almost everything all the time. They get sad and then they move on, and then they find something else to make them happy.

I feel like I am lucky in a way that I have had, and have such a strong relationship with two people in my life that I know for a fact I can never replace it. Never.

One is my best friend. The girl who knows me in and out. The person who can read my thoughts. Who can look at a boy and tell me if he’ll make me happy. Question my choices openly. Fight with me like it will never get resolved. Stand by me when needed. Yell at me when I am being stupid. Never say anything nice to me, but still manage to prove she loves me. She is leaving. She is moving to India. Halfway across the globe.

I know we’ll talk. But I don’t know how to go through my life here without her. I don’t. No matter how much I fight with her, at the end of the day I want to tell her about everything that happens, even if that means listening to one more lecture. She knows her moving away will make me sad, very sad, and she knows how to deal with that too. I know I’ll be fine when she is gone, but I know I will never find a friend here who can be her for me.

It’s hard to imagine a life where I can’t just go to the next room and start talking, or get woken up because she is bored. College has been what it has because she was always there. Even when we fought for weeks. Saying I will miss her, is an understatement. I can’t replace her. I don’t even want to.

And the only person who exactly knows how I feel is the man I can’t replace in my life even though it’s been so long since we were friends. He knows I can’t replace her, because he knew me as well too. He would never say, “You’ll be fine if she’s going,” he’d just say, “Are you ok?” Because he knows it all. But he isn’t there anymore, and even when I tried replacing him, I couldn’t.

The two people I can’t replace, are the two people I will hardly ever see, or may be never see.

So I am lucky to have strong relationships. But may be sometimes I wish I could just not care.

Mumbai Indians, the team who made all the mistakes in the FINAL

Mumbai Indians is the team that has shone since their first match in IPL3. They made no mistakes in their games, or if any, they were hardly big enough to cause them a game.

Players like Pollard and Tiwari came in the middle order and batted like there was no tomorrow when the upper order could not do much to bump the run rate. Sachin, the master of the game, proved to every critic, that age is not stopping him, he played an unforgettable inning in almost every match retaining the orange cap till the final.

Players like Rayudu came from no where and performed whenever needed. The team that was labeled to be a one man’s show, proved everyone wrong till Rayudu, Tiwari and Pollard shone with the bat and played innings that were not backed by Sachin at times.

Mumbai Inidans never lost their number one spot on the table. With 10 wins out of 14 and a NRR of +1.084, they were the favorites. The second best team was Deccan, with 8 wins and the rest four with seven wins each. It was suppose to be Mumbai’s cup all along. The consistency should have spoken. They should have proved that that’s all that matters.

But on the day of the final, everything went wrong. From dropped catches, to misfields, to losing wickets. Nothing worked. All blunders, all mistakes, happened right on the day which mattered the most. How do you drop Raina twice, then make him get a 50 in 24 balls? How do you give 100 runs in the last 8 overs?

How can none of the batsmen support the injured Sachin Tendulkar who still hits 48 off 45 (his slowest in IPL3)? How can you misfield and let the ball go off the boundary? How do you not know how to run between the wickets when you are already 6 down? How do you do all that after those amazing 10 wins and surpassing every team by leaps and bounds.

Sachin just has been unlucky. Whether he is part of the Indian team or the Mumbai Indians, the dream of the cup just never comes true. The master is never paid his dues. I did want Chennai to win. For Dhoni, for his amazing captaincy, and for Chennai’s consistency over the past 3 IPLs which included making it to the semi final every time and the final twice. But Sachin Tendulkar’s sad face just made it all sour, Chennai’s victory not as enchanting, the man has done more than anyone has, and his time needed to do it for him.

So Mumbai Indians had an amazing IPL 2010, but they couldn’t do what they did for 6 weeks, play like champions, right when it was most needed.

Memories are weird

Today is Spring Jam in college. Most college students go to it, love it, enjoy like crazy.

I on the other hand do not even want to check it out. It is weird how I am so good at erasing bad memories, yet I can’t forget my last year’s spring jam. I never even tried to think about it before, and was actually planning to attend it this time without having any recollection about last year’s. But today suddenly, without any intentions, the memories came rushing back down to almost every moment of this night last year.

I am taking a cognitive psychology class where we are taught how memory is a strange thing. Sometimes it just keeps those things which we would never like to remember, and not those which we never want to forget.

I realize that right now how strange it is indeed. I remember the bad one so distinctively that I can not go to the same place, even though I know it’s going to be nothing like last year. I feel I just need to skip this day and go to tomorrow. Sleep through it. Not realize what’s going on. I know if I go there, I’ll recollect even more of what scares me. Those memories.

My friend just told me, “You are being stupid, how does it even matter what happened last year.” And she is probably right. But how do I tell my brain to stop being scared?

Memories. I wish I could erase some.

I said it too soon

Last night I was talking about how I am not thinking much these days. May be I just jinxed myself, because right now I am thinking, if not a lot, then definitely enough to make me wish I wasn’t.

College has given me intertwined relationships. I have groups of friends, who would never be friends if I was not there to link them. Those separate groups share nothing in common but me and that’s what sometimes makes them more comfortable in being friends with each other. Most times I don’t care or mind it. I like getting those groups together and just hanging, but lately I have realized i should have been more careful with some of them.

I regret one situation the most which I wish I would have prevented before. Things turned out to be not at all like I wanted, or even I would have been comfortable with. Now, I don’t even have a right to change anything or question anything. I am just this outsider who is connected to one without wanting, and to the other because that person didn’t even do anything for me to not be friends.

This situation sucks at so many levels with the worst part being I have no say in it. Not anymore. It has existed for the past year now, but I just realized it’s impact some more few minutes back.

Sigh!

I so said it too soon.

B.L.O.G

I write more when I think a lot so it can be clearly deduced  that I have not been thinking much lately. Which should be a good thing. Does not happen very often.

But…. I love to blog. It is my thing. I do it because it makes me feel better and triumphant in some ways. One year and seven months of non stop blogging is my achievement. It has nothing to do with work or school, I do it because I enjoy it, and that makes me feel GOOD.

So if I have a thoughtless, non-restless, undisturbed life, my blogging frequency keeps on going down, and may be eventually will not exist.  And that my friends, is my worst fear (ok not worst, but almost there).

How many times have I ranted and cried and been depressed right here on this blog. Sometimes even when nothing happened, and sometimes when my world came crashing down. I feel like if I leave it, I’ll be betraying it. It has given me a weird sense of power with expression. I just say whatever here and instantly feel better. I know sometimes the interpretation of what I say is left open to imagination, but the end result is always me feeling calmer. And that’s what makes this blog a place which is important to me, and can not be betrayed.

Right now I have nothing, at least not much on my mind. I am trying to live through my last term in senior year without stress and just fun. But I am still blogging. Trying to say something, talk, make sense, because I need to come back and say something so that if there is someone who likes to read this, even one person, knows I am not leaving it.

Not now. Not soon. Hopefully, very hopefully, NEVER!

Should I be more sure?

I am graduating senior. I have spent five years in college, I feel old but not enough to be ready to settle down. I don’t know when I want to get married, I don’t even know who to marry, the thought scares me.

And then are those people from my past who know so much more. That childhood sweet heart is engaged, the guy who was my best friend in high school is getting married in December and the only guy I was in love with, is almost there.

I am not ready. I don’t even know if I can fall in love anytime soon. And all these people have their forever right in front of them. It’s so bizarre. I wonder should I be more sure??????

I don’t feel the need to be more sure.. but the ones from my past are very sure. It’s like I make them more sure of life, after me, they find the right one.

SUCKS!!

Sigh!

ok enough rant.

 

If you are miserable then I am happy…….not anymore

When someone is left heartbroken, they get sadistic pleasure in the heart breaker’s misery. Every award the heart breaker wins, a successful relationship that they get into, an accomplishment, all those things make you feel, “how can they be so happy and you are so sad.”

I believe you don’t fall in love often. You can have ten relationships, but there is a high chance you were in love once or even never. It’s easy to believe that you are in love, but that one time when you truly are, you’ll know nothing compares to it. You’ll know you will never feel that way again (or anytime soon), and you have never felt that way ever.

So when you are left heart broken after that only time you were in love, the sadistic pleasure you get does not last long. After a while your anger goes down, and you see them happy, you are happy for them. You know why they do what they do, you then can reason things more, and wish they get the one they love.

I am not trying to sound all unconditional, I just feel that’s how it is every time you really fall in love. Once you are out of that misery, once you know it doesn’t matter if you ever feel the same, you wish they get that love. You try to believe in the good in them. You stay away but somewhere in your heart you know you’ll never feel that way.

After all that there are those moments which still take you back to certain moments where it all ended  and hurt you a bit. You see them and you see a place where you wanted to be standing along side, but then again it is NEVER going to happen because there is just NO LOVE anymore. The one time, the only time, is gone….

Right about now.. James Blunt makes some sense to me…

Silence is powerful

I come from a culture where women (mostly) remain silent. For centuries they are about following a man in their lives. As a child their father, as an adult, their husband and as a senior, their kids. Few have tried to fight the norm and voice their opinion and do extraordinary things, but even now, so many live under the shadows of a forced silence.

I am lucky to be born to parents who appreciate my sense of opinion. I was always the rebellious girl in the family, who never did what a girl should have done. I left when I wanted to, to be somewhere where my voice would be heard. Where I did not have to be silent. Where I could talk and express.

And now when I can talk all I want, raise my voice all I need, I understand how silence can be powerful. Sometimes, you are heard more when you don’t say anything instead of talking out all you want. Sometimes, you need to be silent to let people know that it’s your choice, and not an imposition. Silence makes you stronger, it makes you patient, it makes you powerful inside. It makes you less angry and gives you more time to know what you would want to say, if you had to say it.

Voicing one’s opinion is indeed very important, and when women do not get to do it, it is oppression. But the silence I am talking about has made women stronger as humans over centuries. It is said they are more emotional, but they are also emotionally stronger than men, and that is because they can remain silent and get stronger.

I am not a feminist and I am surrounded by women who never saw any differentiation based on their gender. But as I am growing up I see where I was, and where I have come being a women, without being silent, and knowing now how silence is powerful.

Looking at it from your eyes…not mine

I never believe what people say easily. I don’t take things on face value and a lot of times I evaluate what they say on the basis of my own perception about things.

Some days ago I was ranting to one of my guy friends (who is like my girl friend) and talking about how when I was told something, it upset me, because that was what I think was meant.

Before I go any further actually, I should talk about this guy friend who is like my girl friend. Most days he does not make sense. He is one of those guys who can define every situation in life in terms of sex. He never wants to talk about feelings or emotions especially with me, because he thinks I should be more worried about my career, family, money and other things. Most our conversations go like this:

Me: I am upset

He: Dude, don’t you have better things to worry about

Me: I miss so and so

He: Dude, really, let’s not do this right now

But some days ago I was at a weird low in front of him so he decided to listen to me. And this is how I conversation went…

Me: It was quite hurtful. I wish the fact that I am making same mistakes is not a consolation

Him: Answer this. Will someone else’s pain be a consolation to you?

Me: May be earlier. Not anymore.

Him: Is it necessary that person thinks the same way? May be it doesn’t even matter to that person what you are doing your life, leave alone that being a consolation. You are not doing as well according to you, but what if what you do is not a factor what so ever. Just because it was a factor in your life, you can’t see that person’s side from your eyes

Me: OMG! You make sense. In the past 6 months, this is the only thing you have said that makes sense.

Him: Well, I don’t do this often. Let’s watch something now.

So basically what I am trying to say is sometimes it is important to realize that just because there is a way you will react in a situation doesn’t mean someone else would do. I always assume the worst, and think that what was said was not entirely true, because people are polite (not me), and they say things which they really don’t believe in.

What I should do is believe that sometimes they do mean it, even if it’s hard to believe that they do. That will make you look at things from their eyes, even if it is a task to move past your own perception…

Phew….. I don’t even know if what I said made sense….

Giving the power

When you give someone a lot of attention, you give them a sense of power over you which makes them do things they never think are wrong, or making you feel bad in a way.

Taking someone who is always around for granted is so easy. You know you don’t want anything more than friendship, but your actions over power your sensibility, and you do or say things that are hurtful.

It is so easy to tell your friend who is always around that it’s not you, it’s me. But somewhere inside, you know that’s not true. How many times you say that and you don’t mean it. You believe you do, but as soon as someone else comes along, may be then you understand, it was never you, it was just because you couldn’t feel that way for the friend, as you do for this someone.

So may times you know some where inside you that you are hurting that friend, but the boost that the attention gives you disables your rationality. It becomes inevitable to say things which sound nice but have no meaning behind them. The power stays with the attention getter, and that is never good.

I myself have done that. Given the power without realizing with that, I am being taken for granted. The only difference now, I realize it sooner than way later.

The question in my head though is how do we end up giving someone so much power over us? If not a lot, then even enough to get ourselves hurt when the person clearly doesn’t want anything more than just you boosting their ego, being around for them, and just filling a temporary void in their lives.

We do it so often, yet we never know where to end the cycle…

4 am realizations

Sleeping at 4 am has become quite normal for me. I try to sleep earlier, but usually doesn’t work.

(Perks of college life, especially senior year last term)

So when I am up till 4 am and everything around me is quite and calm and Iam standing outside in my balcony with the sky black and the streets lonely, I am at my best with the thinking process.

Last night at 4 am (or this morning at 4 am), I stood outside so that I can get out of room and away from my computer screen and think with more clarity. The best way to know if I really want to be somewhere is by picturing myself in those situations and then seeing how they make me feel. And I did exactly that.

The first situation is something I have wanted since I can remember. Two years now. And when I pictured myself in it again, all I could say was, “I so don’t want that.” That made me feel extremely happy, because I was so used to living with the fact that I want it, and can’t have it, that now when I finally don’t want it, I can be more happy or content.

I trust my 4 am realizations quite a bit. I am the most vulnerable then. So feeling the way I felt about me ever existing situation was just euphoria. Pure euphoria.

The other one, and the more important one right now is my future in the States. I can’t wait to have a decision on my life here. See, where I go to after graduation. My fate right now is in the hands of the  American government, and last night I realized more than ever how much I want stay here and work and make a life. Till of course, I think otherwise or want otherwise. Wants change, so I don’t know what I’d want 3 years later, but right now, I need to be here. Make some money. Accomplish some dreams.

Love my 4 am realizations…

The KKR promise

I was just notified that Shahrukh made an extremely forward statement concerning KKR. He said if they win he would dance naked in the DY Patil Stadium. The article was posted on my facebook wall, because obviously people always want to tell me about these things related to Shahrukh.

(I like how I do not need to hunt for news when it comes to him, my love for him is so evident, that people pass on the information on their own)

Anyhoo…

Even though I am a die hard KKR fan, I would like to be realistic. There are not many chances of them qualifying to the semi-final, leave alone to the final and winning it.

Even though, nothing would make my last term at Drexel better, than watching them win the third season of IPL. That would make me more happy than most things in my life right now.

So since so much of my happiness comes from them winning, I would like to make a statement as well. And make it publicly, so that there is no way I can back off from it. And I mean no way. This post will be the testimony.

If KKR wins the third season of IPL, I will take out all my close friends and pay for the entire drinks menu. Drink as much, it will all be on me. Completely, totally, and till the last penny, on me.

So if you are in Philly, and KKR wins, you pretty much just need to find me, and there comes your treat.

(Trust me, this is an awesome deal, so all you guys better pray for KKR to win)

Now that I have said that. I hope this becomes an incentive for someone somewhere to look forward to them winning.

Also, all the KKR haters should know how to be a fan, and learn to support their own team rather than hating mine.

(Just saying.)

Trying to tell a story

It’s hard to tell a story. It is even harder to tell it with utmost honesty. And it’s the hardest to do justice to all the characters while doing it.

There are people who like to tell stories like your parents and grandparents when you are going to bed. There are people who will just give you the ending and tell you what happened. And then there are the writers, who pave the picture of the scene so nicely, that you can imagine being there and watching the story go on.

I wish I was a writer. I wish I could do that. Because I have so many stories to tell, but I don’t know how. I don’t think I can do justice to the mood that is captured in every scene. I can’t bring the emotions that make the story so special and captivating. I can’t make the reader feel lost… even though the story is very clear in my head.

Everyone has a story of their own. I do too. I want to write my last 5 years down and keep all the moments safe somewhere on paper, not just in my memory. I want to go back and read them when I want to, so that when I am old and not very good with long term memory, I can re-live them.

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I have a story. My story begins with a girl who came to a foreign land with hopes and dreams of being the son, her Indian parents never had. 19th September 2005 was the day when she flew for the first time. Her parents drove her to the airport and her mom tried to control her tears on the way. Her dad was hoping she would be fine, because this is not what he wanted for her. He wanted her to stay and go to the best school in India. But she was stubborn, and she wanted to go.

The airport was full with people saying good byes. Hugging each other. Exchanging last words. Her mom held her and did not cry because she knew she had to be strong. Her father just said, “take care.” Her sister was not sure what to do, she was going to be alone in her room now. She will miss the fights and the arguments.

The girl passed through the security check point and looked back. Her parents were still standing refusing to leave. They said they can’t leave till she boards. She could see her mother cry. She did not know when she would come back to see them. It was a one way ticket. A hard earned one way ticket.

She kept on walking towards her gate, and saw the image of her parents fading away. She knew they were still there. She knew her mother won’t leave till she can believe her daughter is gone. She would stand there and wish she could see her child again. Because then, she did not know how was it to not see her for months.

The daughter got busy with her friends. Waited to board the flight. But she knew some where, her mother was still outside. Waiting to see her again.

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That was a story… I don’t think I did a good job., but I still tried to tell it :))

Wanting

Wanting is very delusional. There is no rhyme or reason behind it. You want something because it gives you a sense of happiness. You know you can do without it, and sometimes you even know that the happiness will be short-lived, you still want.

There are those few times when wants drive you towards a successful life but most times they just drive you to believe it’s a need since that’s all you start wishing for.

Shopaholics think that they need to own every dress they see, their wants make them so happy that nothing else matters.

Kleptomaniacs want to steal. It gives them a thrill when they are able to sneak away that pen that their boss owns. They want it so bad that their happiness depends on it.

And then there is the other kind. They want to be with someone without any reason because they think it will make them happy. They know they will be fine if they stop wanting it, but they don’t want to stop wanting it. They want it because at that moment, they know it will make them happy. They just want without any reason.

Wanting is very delusional. It makes you do things you would not do otherwise. It makes you look for chances, wish for quick answers, notice more and just want more.

The worst of all is when you know the quick fix is to just stop wanting. You know that it will not make any difference in your life or decrease your happiness. But you still want. The thrill of having it, just makes you want.