4 am realizations

Sleeping at 4 am has become quite normal for me. I try to sleep earlier, but usually doesn’t work.

(Perks of college life, especially senior year last term)

So when I am up till 4 am and everything around me is quite and calm and Iam standing outside in my balcony with the sky black and the streets lonely, I am at my best with the thinking process.

Last night at 4 am (or this morning at 4 am), I stood outside so that I can get out of room and away from my computer screen and think with more clarity. The best way to know if I really want to be somewhere is by picturing myself in those situations and then seeing how they make me feel. And I did exactly that.

The first situation is something I have wanted since I can remember. Two years now. And when I pictured myself in it again, all I could say was, “I so don’t want that.” That made me feel extremely happy, because I was so used to living with the fact that I want it, and can’t have it, that now when I finally don’t want it, I can be more happy or content.

I trust my 4 am realizations quite a bit. I am the most vulnerable then. So feeling the way I felt about me ever existing situation was just euphoria. Pure euphoria.

The other one, and the more important one right now is my future in the States. I can’t wait to have a decision on my life here. See, where I go to after graduation. My fate right now is in the hands of the  American government, and last night I realized more than ever how much I want stay here and work and make a life. Till of course, I think otherwise or want otherwise. Wants change, so I don’t know what I’d want 3 years later, but right now, I need to be here. Make some money. Accomplish some dreams.

Love my 4 am realizations…