I can’t replace you

I wish I knew it was our last kiss. Years later I still wish it. Is that weird? Knowing that you could never find something to replace that feeling?

I see people around me who replace friends, lovers, relationships, almost everything all the time. They get sad and then they move on, and then they find something else to make them happy.

I feel like I am lucky in a way that I have had, and have such a strong relationship with two people in my life that I know for a fact I can never replace it. Never.

One is my best friend. The girl who knows me in and out. The person who can read my thoughts. Who can look at a boy and tell me if he’ll make me happy. Question my choices openly. Fight with me like it will never get resolved. Stand by me when needed. Yell at me when I am being stupid. Never say anything nice to me, but still manage to prove she loves me. She is leaving. She is moving to India. Halfway across the globe.

I know we’ll talk. But I don’t know how to go through my life here without her. I don’t. No matter how much I fight with her, at the end of the day I want to tell her about everything that happens, even if that means listening to one more lecture. She knows her moving away will make me sad, very sad, and she knows how to deal with that too. I know I’ll be fine when she is gone, but I know I will never find a friend here who can be her for me.

It’s hard to imagine a life where I can’t just go to the next room and start talking, or get woken up because she is bored. College has been what it has because she was always there. Even when we fought for weeks. Saying I will miss her, is an understatement. I can’t replace her. I don’t even want to.

And the only person who exactly knows how I feel is the man I can’t replace in my life even though it’s been so long since we were friends. He knows I can’t replace her, because he knew me as well too. He would never say, “You’ll be fine if she’s going,” he’d just say, “Are you ok?” Because he knows it all. But he isn’t there anymore, and even when I tried replacing him, I couldn’t.

The two people I can’t replace, are the two people I will hardly ever see, or may be never see.

So I am lucky to have strong relationships. But may be sometimes I wish I could just not care.