What’s most scary right now?

So we are finally down to 20 more days. Close to 3 weeks.

Graduation is closing in and I am so scared of people. Isn’t that weird? People fear not getting a change, being more responsible, losing on the college life, and I am fearing people in a sense that I don’t even know.

My friends and close friends and some other people ask me how does it feel. Some want to come to my graduation and cheer me (I don’t have family coming), some are happy that I am probably going to be around and some well, pretend to care.

All that is freaking me out. Is that weird? I am glad that I at least have people who are bothered, but I do not know if I want people to show up for my graduation or be there when I am crying after that. I do have a reason for that which I may not be able to explain very well, but I am still going to give it a shot.

For years now, all that has mattered to me is PEOPLE. If someone asks me what I want to do, I say hang out with some close friends, go out with some close friends, live with some close friends. That’s all I have always said. And now I feel like expecting to have them around, to participate in my happiness/sadness is asking for too much. It makes me build weird expectations. It gives me a sense of want which when not fulfilled just leaves me sad.

(I am pretty sure I am not making sense)

So when someone asks me, what time do you want us to be there, or let’s celebrate after that, or do this, do that, I feel like I am making them take time out for ME which makes me uneasy. 2 years ago, I would have made them come. But now, I don’t want the burden of making them do something for me.

(Makes some sense now??)

I just want to do it on my own. I don’t even expect my bff to be there for me, or those I love (my friends), or even that one guy who is on my mind. Is that weird? (I am asking that too much, am I not). I would like to be sad on my own that day. It is a big deal for me. Huge deal. But for some reason, I don’t want it to be any deal for others. I know they all want to, but it feels like they think they HAVE to, which is exactly something I am scared of.

So 20 days before graduation people scare me. I have made myself believe now, that no one changes their schedule for anyone, and I don’t want that from anyone. For some reason, spring is reminding me of way too many disappointments and that is making me weary of PEOPLE.

(ok ok.. I know I don’t make any sense)