The 5 stages of freaking out

Every once in a while when I get some sort of news from somewhere which is enough to freak me out I go through the same stages of emotions. Especially when I need to fix something pertaining to that news and it’s 2 am and everything is closed.

(Happens quite a bit)

The stages are as follows:

1. Immense burst of restlessness. Hysterical behavior accompanied by panting up and down my room (at least no one gets to witness that)
2. Trying to come with a solution. Constant Google search (if applicable) or phone calls (umm texts may be)
3. Trying to calm down and watching something (romantic comedies work like a wonder) after the search has either failed or can not provide immediate solutions (2 am god damn it) accompanies with some sort of rationality
4. Ruling out sleep as an option and deciding to make it through the night without sleeping with the mind on a constant thinking parade (yet much calmer then 4 points ago)
5. Seeing the sun come up and suddenly things seeming so much better after 4 hours

And usually after all that I do manage to come up with a fix. It’s the same every time. I know every time I’ll eventually figure it out, even if it’s an urgent situation but I manage to be patient while freaking out.

Amazing!!!!! Aint it?

Oh well. I wonder whether it’s just me or humans (may be women) just like going through too many emotions within few hours.

Sigh

Why not me?

That’s the question most people asked themselves after being in unreciprocated situations or unwanted break ups or just being hopelessly in love.

I have always heard that after you get hurt, you stop believing in the power of love. The question remains unanswered, because there is no answer, but you still wonder till it doesn’t matter anymore.

You can just accept, “It was not meant to be” instead of, “I am not good enough",” and lead a happy life henceforth. Or just spend it fixing something in your self which probably doesn’t need any fixing.

I was very nicely told by an old friend that I am too picky. I think too much before getting into anything with anyone and so that combined with my comparison issues doesn’t make it any easy for me. Unfortunately, he makes sense. Sigh!

My head knows why it was not me? But my heart with a little bit of ego will wonder for a while till it completely and absolutely doesn’t matter. It is a strange place to be in, I know it all, and yet I like to believe the otherwise.

For some reason, these are the only words I can think of right now…

And on the 23rd night

things aint bad, but things aint right

are we falling or flying

are we falling or flying

are we living or dying

I guess we’ll never know!

Waiting

“Wait” in itself is a concept. There is so much invested in it. There is so much people would do to not wait for anything.

We are so used to waiting for everything in out life. We are asked to be patient and wait. Wait for those exam results on which our college admission depends, wait for that summer when we have an amazing vacation planned, or even wait for that bus that is always late and makes us reach work late.

We have waited at every step. We know we’ll reach where we want to, all we have to do is wait. It is a virtue.

Then there is a wait that may never end. You wait, and you don’t even know you are waiting. You don’t question anything or anyone. You just wait. You know it probably will never end, or one day you’ll just stop waiting but still, you wait.

And when you wait like that there is so much at stake. Yet you don’t see it. It comes so naturally to you. This wait. This patience. No expectations. No rules. Nothing. Just wait.

So if you chose to wait the next time, or whenever you realize that you are waiting, stop, think for a while, and see what are you losing…just know may be right now is the time to stop waiting

What’s wrong in being Single

If a girl wants to be single for a while (by which I mean 2-3 years), what is wrong in that? Most of my guy friends keep on saying, “You need to date someone. Just be with someone. You have been single for too long.”

I don’t understand why I need to do that? I chose to be myself, and I actually love it. At least for now I do. I never stop myself from meeting new guys, or talking to them, but if I dont get attracted to anyone enough to get in a relationship with them, that is not my fault.

He: What’s wrong with that guy? He likes you

Me: But I dont

He: Why? Try dating him

Me: But I dont feel anything for him

He: TRY!!!

Me: Try and do what? Why the hell should I lead someone on

He: Girls!!!

It’s not about being a girl. It is just about choosing to be happy. And not to sound sad or anything, but after what I have seen some guys are capable of, or just being in love and getting hurt to the point which I did not even know existed, i don't really believe in love.

(I mean there is love, just not for me)

So when I do not believe in something, it is hard to pursue it. May be that will change (even though I do not want it to EVER), but for now I am singe and loving it :)

Bye bye to Portland and Seattle

I had an amazing vacation. And that combined with some other reasons I just do not want to go back to Philly. I am 1.5 hours away from landing, and I just wish I did not have to go back there… at least for now.

West Coast is definitely a whole different world altogether. And I think north west is the most under rated region in America. Where else would you see a mountain peak on the left and down town Seattle on the right, creating the most blissful scenery? Seattle is made for someone like me. Being a technical person, companies such as Microsoft and Amazon just create opportunities for me there. The weather is ummmm not that great but I think I can manage. Varun lives three hours away, Gwen lives right there and I heard the dating scene is awesome there (I mean who doesn’t find that appealing)

I know at the end of a trip or being away for a while, I have always wanted to come back to Philly. But that has to do a lot with the people around me, and not the city on its own. I know I can create a Philly in Seattle if I want to, rather if I get to be with that many people.

Its high time, I start preparing myself to leave Philly. It’s not like I am going to be there forever. Portland is a little to quiet for me, but may be Seattle is it.

So now back to this plane ride. There is a kid sitting in the row in front of me, and he has managed to turn my computer off two times by just slipping his hand through the gap between the seats and making me re write this post twice

(yeah yeah.. I should save my drafts)

Now three days in Philly, and then I head to Tuscan AZ.  Some life people would say. Can I say the same though??

Anyhoo.. I fly so much, but somehow I never ever liked it as much especially when I cant sleep. This flight is 2 hours 39 minutes, which is nothing compared what I usually do, but for some reasons it seems 10 times longer….sigh

What is cheating?

People stress so much on cheating on your partner when you actually go ahead and sleep with someone else or maintain any kind of physical relations with them. A lot of times when people do that, they might not even feel for the other person, and just get pleasure out of the physical intimacy.

But what about emotional cheating? Is that not bad as well? Is it not worse to fall for someone else while you are with someone, no matter whether you do something with them or not?

For me personally, emotional cheating is equally bad. I can never stand someone I love liking/loving someone else. That just marks the end of my commitment towards them. If the man I love can like someone else while he is with me, then definitely, there can never ever be a come back from that, and I can not accept it in any way.

Honestly, I can be there for him no matter what he does to me if I trust him and have faith in what we have, but the moment there is someone else. I am just simply done. It's like an eye opener, it's like a call to my self-respect, it's iterating that I am just not good enough.

(omg! self-realizations)

I give way too much of myself to the men I love, and I think they start thinking I need them, and I am dependent. What they don't get is, that's just the way I am, and if I can fall so hard, I can fall out when I really want to, even if I have to cry my eyes out every night. I am emotional, but I am strong enough to let it go when I clearly know there is someone else in the picture (the biggest no no in the books for me).

And I dont know what's wrong with boys. Most of them just say they want to be friends after the break up, just because they want to be guilt free, even though after begging to stay friends, they do not really care much.

Boysss.. if you have a different girl, then there is absolutely no need to stay friends. Trust me. You wont miss anything, you chose that, so don't make guilt talks for god's sake. Go on, and let your ex go on.

(I am no relationship expert btw!!)

Man... I think I have been single way too long to advice on relationships, but you know, where I live freedom of speech works :D

(Even if what I say sounds crappy)

BTW.. Spring is being weird. No sun since 2 days :(

There goes my mood... sigh