In memory of my uncle

We all always talk about ‘heartbreak’ and how much it hurts. I personally vent so much here, ranting about anything and everything that bothers or excites me, but I never thought of a time when I’ll have to face something more painful and not be able to vent about it.

You can deal with everything, reason everything, blame people for your misery, hope for them to change, and believe in all sort of things, but how do you deal with death?

I live so far away from home that I miss all the happy and sad parts of the ones in my family. Like the time my cousins got married, or when my sister graduated high school, or my cousin had a baby, or my aunt faced problems and this time when I lost my uncle, without even getting a chance to say goodbye.

I don’t know how to deal with him not being there. He was my father’s older brother, practically a father to me, calling me every chance he got to remind me how I am missed at every festival and celebration. He kept his family of 8 siblings together, kept in touch with everyone, was there for everyone. And I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.

He wanted to give me away on my wedding. He was my father’s best friend and an inspiration to everyone in the family. He cried when I left to come here asking me to come back soon. He was 63. And now he is gone. And I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.

I miss him.

I wish I was home.

I wish I could fix things.

I wish I had a chance to say goodbye.

 

The 5 stages of freaking out

Every once in a while when I get some sort of news from somewhere which is enough to freak me out I go through the same stages of emotions. Especially when I need to fix something pertaining to that news and it’s 2 am and everything is closed.

(Happens quite a bit)

The stages are as follows:

1. Immense burst of restlessness. Hysterical behavior accompanied by panting up and down my room (at least no one gets to witness that)
2. Trying to come with a solution. Constant Google search (if applicable) or phone calls (umm texts may be)
3. Trying to calm down and watching something (romantic comedies work like a wonder) after the search has either failed or can not provide immediate solutions (2 am god damn it) accompanies with some sort of rationality
4. Ruling out sleep as an option and deciding to make it through the night without sleeping with the mind on a constant thinking parade (yet much calmer then 4 points ago)
5. Seeing the sun come up and suddenly things seeming so much better after 4 hours

And usually after all that I do manage to come up with a fix. It’s the same every time. I know every time I’ll eventually figure it out, even if it’s an urgent situation but I manage to be patient while freaking out.

Amazing!!!!! Aint it?

Oh well. I wonder whether it’s just me or humans (may be women) just like going through too many emotions within few hours.

Sigh

Why the randomness you ask….

Sometimes people ask me what’s the point of blogging, and moreover what’s the point of blogging about extremely random and vague topics.

Well my answer is, there is no point and that’s why I do it. So many times there are things I say or write about that people I know do not share an interest in, and that’s when blogging comes in. I would be lying if I say I don’t want followers, I do, everyone likes there public blog being read, but I never make my friends read it, unless it’s something like ‘Cricket’ or a movie I am talking about.

Also no matter what I do, how I behave, what I want, at the end of the day, I am a girl, who has a lot to say about love, life, relationships and other random interesting things who lives in reality but dreams about fairy tales. Nothing wrong in that I assume.

So all in all if you ever happen to stop by and read one of my posts and wonder why am I writing what I am writing, then honestly I don’t know. I write in the moment, I have no theme, it’s an open diary, only I don’t reveal secrets, mostly because I hardly have any, and I don’t reveal people, because they are entitled to their privacy. That is about it.

On the note of being random, here is a song to listen to.

(Just cuz I have the whole 80’s thing going on)

 

Upgrading the living-style (lifestyle is fine)

Like most college students, I have lived cheap (not clothes cheap). I have had the same twin bed all 4 years, dearth of a furniture, no fancy stuff, sometimes living out of suitcases, no fancy crockery, cheap apartments and other cheap things that compensated for other habits that shook my finances every now and then (like eating out every day).

But college is over and now I think I need to or may be I want to upgrade my living-style. However, that ain’t easy. Being a person, who has never really spent money on household stuff, the prices, and the collection to chose from, is sort of, may be, overwhelming.

You ask me to spend $300 on a pair of GUCCI shoes, I’ll probably do it easily (if I have the money that is), but on a mattress (I am upgrading to full size from a twin), I will probably wonder how is that even possible, given I spent $60 on my first ever mattress set.

I have been visiting furniture stores, checking stuff out, seeing online prices, and prices of the things that I want, are not really helping the upgrade plan.

• Full size mattress with box spring: $300-$500
• Dresser with a mirror an drawers: $200-$400
• Futon (not the crappy ikea one): $250 – anything
• Couch and love seat set: $400 – anything

Basically the minimum things required in an apartment of a fresh college graduate will cost me anything between $1150 to $1500.

Sigh!

I don’t think I ever even put those expenses in my budget book. The whole house hold planning, and making it look like a home is still a very new concept to me.

But I want to upgrade. The first step towards being an employed graduate is living like one. College is over, and I guess, and I think I need a home-y apartment, not a crash anywhere one.

The question however is, where is the money??

The being social theory

In the past, whenever I have written about not having anything to talk about because there is nothing really going on in life, I have ended up having way too much going on. But, that still doesn’t stop me from writing about nothing going on.

So there really isn’t anything going on in life. I try to keep it that way by not getting into arguments with anyone, watching what I say, and spending time with a lot of friends I am not very close to, but friendly enough to spend time with.

(Oh and obsessing over some shows that are classified as ‘trashy’, not Jersey Shore though)

Now, I have theory (like the million others I have) about managing your social circle in a way so that when you are vacationing to the core (3 months or more) and have nothing to do, you don’t get into trouble with people and hence don’t kill yourself over small things.

I have realized meeting my friends in moderation works beautifully. I know I need to meet people, to keep myself occupied, but I also know that I can not meet the same people everyday, because then inevitably I’ll get into a situation where there will be some sort of argument or disagreement. Also, that will make me depend on their schedule, since I don’t have a schedule for 45 more days. So, I meet people, I socialize, but I mix it up, so that they do not get bored of seeing me, and I can keep in touch with as many people as I can while I can.

I am by no means an introvert, I like making plans with people, just meeting up with them, initiating a hang out session, so this works for me. I have made more girl friends in the past 2 months, than I ever did all five years of college, and I love it. I see them over coffee, dinner, lunch, drinks, and talk about boys (duh!), shoes, clothes, shows and everything that keeps us occupied. There are no serious talks, just laughs and giggles, and I come home without much to ponder over.

Being social is my thing, but that has gotten me into way too many things, and right now, I just can’t afford to think about things that make me restless, so my theory works, at least for me. I know I can’t be best friends with everyone, but I know I can call these people when I need to just get out of the house and chill.

And finally being social kinda does include twitter and Facebook. It’s some harmless interaction with people you hardly see, and will never see and a way too keep up with all the gossip and news floating around.

So not that you all are wondering how I pass my time, but I thought I’ll update everyone.

P.S: Talking to random celebrities and actually getting a reply from them is also kinda my new thing. (Even if it yells the fact that I have no life)

 

Loss of fashion but celluloid romance at it’s best

I am not going to live in denial and say that I do not dig chick flicks. I do, I always will, and I always have.

The thing about these movies is that they bring you two some hours of scripted ‘love’ and happy endings that every girl would want in her life. Most woman are cut to have that special someone and a forever, some want that at 18, while others at 28, but most want it.

That’s when the 80’s come in. The decade that was defined by emergence and success of the ‘Brat Pack’ movies and celluloid genius of John Hughes. I did not grow up here in the States, so the impact of that era did not become completely visible to me till very recently when I spent my days watching all those movies. But when I did watch them, I knew why people loved the 80’s, as much as the fashion sucked, the movies were light-hearted, and made people leave the theatre with a smile.

I saw Breakfast Club last year and after critiquing the fashion (which makes me wonder how can it be so bad every time I see a movie), my first reaction was “I am sure there are more movies like these, I need to find them.” And that’s when I found all of them, if I may call them, the 80’s classics, mostly having Molly Ringwald, who I had just seen as a mom in the preview of "The Secret Life of an American Teenager.” Who knew??

And then I came across the movies that hold a special place in my heart.

You have to like this movie. It’s one of those you can see with your kids. The girl who is a TomBoy and still gets the love of her life. (I doubt that ever happens in real life). Eric Stoltz is the cute high school boy while Craig Schaffer is the jockey (I remember him from One Tree Hill, though his younger version is definitely impressive). Lea Thompson does somewhat decent job in not looking completely ridiculous, but hey, it was the 80’s after all.

So my question is why is Molly Ringwald so unknown after literally ruling the 80’s. Not fair. Anyhoo..

Pretty in Pink is again a high school romance that starts with the cute Andrew McCarthy, again unknown by today’s generation, and how Molly and him fall in love. The prom scene in the end is definitely a killer.

And then there are the movies with Rob Lowe, about whom people, at least in my generation just know of as the guy who is in Brothers & Sisters.

How do you forget all these names even though they all give huge hits in the 80’s???

I guess that’s how it works, or may be the 90’s were the start of more rational and practical movies, and end of light-hearted era.

And all this gets me to my favorite movie of the 80’s starring Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey. Grey was a one hit wonder, but man could Swayze move. The fashion did not make me puke because it was set in the 60’s, and the sound track, I still can not stop humming some of the songs.

“Just a little it Longer,” “She’s like the wind,” “I’ve had the time of my life,” were all the songs that make one move with them. It was sort of a musical but not exactly one. The dance performances and the one dialog, “Nobody puts baby in the corner,” has been said a million times.

This is the movie that I can watch again and again and just smile. The romance is refreshing, and the non-high school setting in combination with a summer romance is soothing.

All in all I love the 80’s. A part of me wishes I grew up here so that I could have celebrated these movies while growing up, but may be it’s still not to late. I miss the time when there used to be an era of movies and fashion, no matter how good or bad it was. You know when there was a trend to follow, something that could make people say, “That movie is so from that decade.”

Doesn’t happen anymore.

I think I am going to watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off now. See how much that makes happy.

P.S: Don’t judge me. I am free till October. I can watch as many movies as I want.

Twitter or the bachelor series.. gotta love both

So, I know I am the sole follower of the bachelor series in my friend circle. It is a super cheesy, more or less fake, not very genuine, estrogen and testosterone filled, super cliché show. But here is the thing, it promises a fairy tale without actually guaranteeing a happily-ever after, hence maintaining some element of reality to it.

This summer is an all time high for the series with bachelor pad premiering this week. If you like to follow the lives of these contestants, and see whether they actually end up with someone or not, two things help you the most, twitter and bachelor pad.

Which gets me to the second point. Twitter. I love it. Not because I get to tweet non-stop, but because I get to hear from these people, and some other, without actually trying to Google them. If you thought Facebook was a phenomenon, then twitter is THE PHENOMENON. I’ll confess that I was a little apprehensive about joining it initially, I mean what’s the point of putting one more sorta status up again somewhere, but then something happened, celebs and the other cool people started joining it, and then it became the place to be at.

I love Facebook, but I gotta say, I love twitter more right now. I can say whatever, however many times, however frequent, without pissing people off. I can upload pictures, send my location, discuss stuff with random people while keeping my information in tact and adding them as friends. It is a game of following and followers, no need to be ‘friends’ at all.

Now all that gets me to my final point. Since I am a bachelor fan, even though some seasons (especially the Jake one) make me puke, I always want to know what they are doing now. And I get to know via twitter. The recent Deanna Pappas and Holly Durst double engagement to the Stagliano brothers is currently my favorite twitter topic, just because it makes fans like me believe that you can genuinely find people on the show to be with, given three out of the above four were on the show.

Conclusion, Twitter rocks. And I realized it a week ago when my information gathering craving was satisfied by it.

Oh btw, if you remember Jesse Csincask who was Deanna’s final choice two seasons ago also got engaged to a Bachelor alum Ann Lueders, who was on Jason Mesnick’s season (The guy Deanna dumped over Jesse). Gotta say, the producers are having some good luck.

Too much talking is injurious to health

All this time, and I mean all my life, I have believed communication is the key to any problem. I have believed in talking things out, understanding the other side, explaining my side, coming to a solution, because after all there are always two sides to a story, and you won’t know the other side till you actually discuss it.

But now, after dealing with all sorts of people with all sorts of emotions and pre-conceived notions, I don’t believe communication is the solution to every problem. In fact, sometimes, actually, a lot of times, it just makes the situation worse.

I mean how many times can you discuss something and go over it again hoping that this time when you talk, things would be different? I am guessing about 10 times and then you’ll end up hitting your head against the wall. (That’s what I feel like doing after the 10th or so time).

So now I have a different take on the whole communication thing. Yes it is important, but only with few people, the ones that are open to criticism, the ones who can take some insensitivity from your side, the ones who truly care about you (this one also has some exceptions btw), the ones whose absence will certainly make life different. (I think I am having a hard time describing exactly what kind of people). But all the others, you can tell them once, but communication is pointless, it’s just a trigger to unwanted situations and emotional outbursts.

Basically, set back, relax, take time off, don’t go over the issues again and again, may be time, distance and some other factors will make things better. And if nothing works, then trust me, you are better off.

(How wise of me :) )

P.S: Some people never understand your side because they can’t see any other side from their own. They have a view of the world which is so subjective that every decision they see, is judged by what they would have done, instead of what could have been done. Those are the ones with whom, talking works the least. Just an FYI.

 

I could really use a wish right now

 

Honestly, this song just fits my present state of mind perfectly, not because I want something, but because I just wish for ONE and only ONE thing right now.

I heard that when you really really really want something with all honesty and dedication, that wish transforms into reality eventually, because the entire universe conspires to get you there. Well if that is true, may be I have not wished earnestly yet, may be I should now.

So from now on I’ll pretend that airplanes are shooting stars, cuz I could really use a wish right now.

P.S: I have been up for 25 hours and I have 8 more to go before I can sleep so my brain is concentrating on the miracle/wish I want.

I try

I don’t know what it is that makes the whole world seems so disconnected right now, but I try.

I try and make sense of most things that seem completely nonsensical to me. It’s probably the side effect of unemployment that so many relationships that I have build over the past 5 some years seem under a constant scrutiny. I try to keep my rationale and remind myself invariably about the over time my mind is doing on their existence but I don’t know how much of it really works.

There are not many people who can read me, get me in and out, predict me, dissect my actions but I guess that’s the whole point. What’s the fun in being so well known that nothing you do surprises people. The only thing most people agree on when it comes to me is “she’s blunt to the point that it’s insensitive at times.” But that’s for those who have only known me for a year or two. I try letting them in and rethink that statement which they believe is a fact, but it doesn’t work.

Then there are those ones who read me like no other. Or may be there is one or there are two who read me like no other and I have let them in so much that sometimes, their absence disables me from breathing. I tried to keep them close, as close to me as I could, but that just aided the distance.

I don’t know why am I saying all this. I guess I am saying I try, I really do, but the trying doesn’t seem to work. It is a whole lot self assessment in combination with amendments that just take too much of effort and time. But hey, I am still gonna try :)

Sigh!

What can a girl do?

The bachelorette finale

 I was vouching for Roberto since day one. The man got the first impression rose, I did not see any red flags with him, the chemistry was awesome, the dates were mind-blowing and no matter what anyone says, the man can make any woman feel amazing.

I know it’s reality TV, and given the success rate of the show, there is probably not much chance that they will get married. But even after all that, I have a feeling, they will. I know Chris L. was everyone’s favorite, and most people wanted him to win, but I could never understand why Chris over Roberto. Honestly though, both the choices were amazing, as I said before, Ali was the best bachelorette ever, and I did not feel she was a bitch even once. (And that’s something).

I don’t how much of it is scripted, but sending Chris home before the final date was definitely commendable. Watching the “Men Tell All” and “After the final Rose” not even one guy had issues with Ali. I mean, how often does that happen, ummm let me guess, never.

When Graham came on Deanna’s season or Reid came on Jillian’s season, they all had questions. But everyone seemed so glad to just see Ali there. This season also had the best TRPs, so whoever thought it was the most boring one, ummm.. guys… you are clearly a minority.

Watching Roberto and Ali in “After the final Rose” was a treat.Just the way they sat next to each other and looked at each other. Trust me, I have seen enough seasons of the show, and that was something. I really hope they get married… sigh..

Ali and Roberto

All that being said, my all time favorite bachelor remains Reid. Nothing beats him so far, and Roberto probably comes second.

Just look at Reid in last season’s “After the final Rose” Doesn’t he take your breath away… *.*

(Still don’t get why she picked Ed, especially now that it’s done and over with )

Reid

P.S: I know I invariably start talking about Reid, but his charm was definitely everlasting.

Quarter-life crisis

I am guessing I am not young anymore and adolescence is almost done and over with because I completely relate with something I just read. It makes so much sense right now when 'change' is all that defines my life. I don't know if everyone relates to this, but my friends and fellow readers, I am going through, what is called the Quarter Life Crisis.


Someone somewhere, wrote this:

The Quarter-Life Crisis by unknown  It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

What’s about the summer

Everyone knows summer is a special season. Summer combined with a vacation and the memorable weather makes it a season of love, fun and timeless memories.

So many things are associated with it, like a fling that you can never forget, or the camp you want to go back to again, or the city that you vacationed in and want to move to. Summer just brings the best out of all those emotions that are some what hidden during the other seasons.

For the past five years, I have always had something to say about the summer. It is always the time where I want to change something about something in my life, I meet most new people then, and it is when I can fight any urge of sadness or loneliness. It makes me a better person over all, just by letting me find happiness in prettiness of the days, the comfort of cotton clothes and in the enormous number fun activities going about everywhere.

This summer is different, I am not doing anything, but still I feel the excitement that summer brings along with it. You know how they talk about summer love, that one special time you meet someone and that summer becomes the best one in your list, well I don’t have that, but I can still feel what it feels like.

(I know I am not doing a good job at explaining, but please try and get it)

I feel the love, I get the butterflies, I sing the songs, I beam when the weather just yells, “Let’s fall in love,” but all that without anyone to think about. That’s what the summer does to me, just makes me happy.

Right now in fact, just listening to this one song, makes me feel the love again.

 

I know it’s a sad song, but hey, I just see the love :)