How much vacation is enough vacation

Ok, I know most of you will think while reading the title itself that there is nothing such as enough vacation. But trust me there is….

(I am not stupid)

Drexel does not give one enough vacations. It’s a 5 year school with no summer off after freshman year which means that you don’t relate to the concept of a full fledged ‘nothingness’ vacation. So basically this is my first in 3.5 years. I have never been this idle in a long long time.

Usually I am either working or traveling or doing something. I am never just by myself doing NOTHING.

(I do need to stress on the nothing)

Now that I have been doing it since a while, I am kind of done with it. Winter + Vacation is making me lazy. I am craving for a routine (not a lot of hw, just a routine).

I am so lazy that I can not even party. Seriously, I can not!!!! :O

I went out with a couple of girls for dinner tonight. We had some Mexican food, and then everyone else decided to stick around for drinks and bar hopping. And I.. yes I.. despite of having nothing to do, became lazy and came back home.

How much more lazy can I be? I usually stick around especially when I know I don’t have to get up early or do work. But I left, because I just wanted to be in bed.. (which is exactly what I am doing now)

Basically I am done vacationing. For me 3 weeks is more than enough vacation. For real. Unless of course I am travelling across some continent. But else.. its enough.

The question is how much vacation is enough vacation for you?

Winter

I have never been a big fan of winters. I don’t like the snow much, I don’t like to be under the blanket every time, I hate piling up layers before going out and above all I hate the super short days.

I get three weeks off as winter break and they become the most unproductive 3 weeks of my year. I don’t see a motivation to get out of my house, hence I sleep in till sunset and stay up till almost sunrise. I just stay in bed and sleep and eat. I don’t like being lazy but the cold just doesn’t help.

(No wonder summers are amazing)

I wish there was a way I knew how to be a little more active in winter. On top of the cold, there is the holiday season in winter which makes one eat like crazy.

How do people ever not be lazy or gain weight during this time. Beyond me. I have not figured that one out yet, and i doubt its happening anytime soon.

Philadelphia just had one of its worst snow storms ever last week. Everything came to a stand still. No cars,. No busses. Just snow and more snow on the ground and in the air.

How is that pretty? How do you function in such conditions? How do you manage to like winter in such situations?

And living on the east coast means  winter becomes the longest season of the year. It just never ends… SIGH

(I swear if I didn’t like it here so much I would have moved to the west)

All in all I wish winters did not make me so unproductive. All I do is gain weight and see the scale go up.

Dislike!

Summing up 2009 – Summer 2009

I finished writing about my first half. And now its the turn of the second half.

The second half was so distinctly different from the first one that I can literally put them as living two separate lives. It was about meeting new people, making new friends, opening up to certain facts, being comfortable and open to a change and travelling.

I have to give summer just one post because it was beyond amazing. I never wanted it to end, and when it did I knew I would miss it.

July 2009

The month started with me coming back to Philadelphia all strong, and all ready to never be sad. As soon as I came back I left for Virginia for work. Lived their for a week. Just worked and worked, and had a wonderful time.

One interesting event was having a stalker in a 5 star hotel. Trust me it is scary. A guy just started following me and showed up outside my hotel room. It was insane and SCARY. The good thing I left for Philly the day after. But scary none the less.

I still had a good time. Took some time to think. Met my friend. Met employees from different locations. It was good.

I made new friends and essentially had less emotional bursts. I had the biggest thing for Reid (I am so over it now), and I had a happy life at my house.

Get up at 7. Go to work. Be back by 6PM. hang out with my room mate’s mom (she was over), eat some good Indian food. Hang out with some friends. Go to bed by 1 am.

That was some crazy month with some crazy food and some amazing weather.

I started going out a lot. I never did that, I don’t even do that right now. I never saw clubs as much as I did in Summer.

I started spending time with people I just knew by name before. I did not vent, not even in my blog (apart from certain few outbursts)

August 2009

The month was EPIC.

I made some really good friends and we formed what’s called the devdas family. They all made me smile and just not think.

I was super busy and super occupied thanks to that family.

(I was fighting a lot with my best friend but somehow I knew it would be ok when I see her (it is ok now), and nothing seemed to bother me. )

I made travel plans. Decided where all I wanted to go. Places I wanted go and some more. .

I spent my days at work and weekends with some amazing people who just got my EQ down. It was about having fun and not thinking about the first 6 months. Some days I did think about them, but mostly August was amazing. My old friends started noticing the change in me. It was very obvious. I was just plain happy. Singing, dancing and not thinking. Life was perfect :)

August was actually when I saw the summer ending, for me it ended then even though the actual end came in September.

Summer 2009

Those were two months of pure fun and mood upliftments. I can’t even thank people enough for it. So many them made a difference.

I know some of them are reading this, and if they are, thank you so much. You all have no idea what you did.

Summing up 2009

This year was definitely eventful. Very very eventful. I can’t even try to sum it up in one post, so probably it will take me a few.

Not that all of you are interested in knowing my life in and out, but I would still like to write. We are almost in 2010 and like most people (at least I think so), I would like to go back and just see how my year was.

In short it was one of a kind. It was the most different one in college so far and everything in my life here was re defined. Everything.

January 2009

I came back from Germany and I was still looking for a permanent place to live. I did not feel at home here in Philly. It just was not the same. College seemed very different and I did write about that. I was still trying to cope up with coming back here and feeling the same like I did all 3 years before that.

February 2009

I started thinking more along the lines of friendships and how they were changing for the very first time in my life. My relationships with people were being re defined. It was kinds chaotic. I found solace in few people and torture in some. I thought about Where am I now.

March 2009

Winter term ended, coop began and so did a life of sleeping less and very less. I very clearly remember the end of March. For sometime then I actually thought I can get out of certain illusions and jealousies but oh well… it was not working that well. I was writing more and more than before and then I wrote about all those Complexities.

April 2009

Month one of coop, a different life, a different zone. This was truly the onset of a life that I desperately needed. I routined life. I went to work everyday no matter what was on my mind. Whatever happened at home did not impact my work life.

But it did not really start that well. I was the intern and was fought for. Everyone wanted to be the boss. Everyone told me what to do. It made me cry, because no matter what I did was not enough.

And I was introduced to the concept of sleeping less. Never before I had functioned on a sleep on 4-5 hours on a daily bless. I have not looked back since then. I hardly sleep even on classes and I think I am more productive. Sleep woes worked.

May 2009

May was a month of emotional trauma. All I did was think about stuff that I could have avoided. I was love struck and I did not know how to cope up with that. I was not in control and I did not know how to fix that.

I have always been in control and I was so restless and lost that all I did was blog. I saw a friend slipping away, I saw the love of my life not giving a shit and so happened a chain of events that made May a month not worth remembering.

(I still cant forget it though..sigh)

I thought about so many things. Forget but not forgive, Chances, Cheating, How I know, and so many more.  

Basically my EQ was all time high and I became incapable of hiding the fact.

June 2009

Exactly the middle of the year and exactly when things changed. Life changed. I changed.

June started well. Happy. Content. But 10 days into it I was done and over with. I had an emotional break down. I left everything. I left the States. I stopped working. I stopped eating. I stopped everything. I just behaved like a depressed, useless person. I am not proud of it, but it happens.

It was my birthday month to. I celebrated my birthday in India, saw a couple of friends after ages. Something was still missing. I did not enjoy anywhere, anytime.

I lost faith in friendships and love. I lost a lot. And someone did not even know. I realized how one can never understand, how much things hurt unless you go through them.

I spent the last 15 days in June crying and recovering. Changing. Trying to build those emotions. Not depending on friends. It was a sad phase.

July – December .. to be continued ….

 

How I love my mother

I have never told this to my mom and its not even mothers day but I somehow feel I need to write about this.

I love her (I know everyone loves theirs) and I don’t think I can be half as good a mom as she is. I can’t be that selfless. I cant be that understanding and I just cant be that unconditional.

I was one hell of a teenager. As soon as I turned 13 adolescence did wonders to me. I was a rebel at best. Now that I look back all I can say is. “What the hell was I thinking.” And my mom doesn’t think that. When I ask her how she managed to deal with me, she says, “You weren’t that bad.” And I can’t believe that. I was not good at all but she can’t find faults apparently.

She sent me away to study even though she knew she’ll be left with no one to talk with. I was her best friend and a way to enjoy. We went to movies together, shopped, just went on walks. She knew she would have no one to do that with once I go away, she still sent me. Because I wanted it. I don’t think I can ever do that with my kid. Never ever can I.

When I call her now and tell her all that I do, she doesn’t relate to it. It’s all out of her culture and tradition. But she understands because she believes if I am doing it, it can’t be that wrong. She never gets mad at me because I am away and she doesn’t want me to get upset. She lets me do anything as long as she can know I am fine.

And when I want to get away from here, I just fly home and cry to her. She doesn’t ask any questions. Doesn’t drill me. She listens and let me put my head in her lap and cry.

I mean how can she be so strong? So giving? It is very much beyond me. I don’t know if all the moms are like that but mine is one hell of a kind. She is the most innocent yet strongest woman I know. All she cares about is whether I am fine. She has no dreams, no passion of her own. Its all her kids.

I really want her to get mad at me sometimes so that I can feel that she is normal and not extraordinary. But she has never done that. She solves my problems even without knowing them. Her innocence makes me cry. Her love makes me believe.

I love you mom. I wish I can give you everything you wish for. Everything you want in life. And never ever do something that makes you sad.

 

What the Psychic said

When I was in Vegas somehow my mind did not work as planned. I mean it just did not process how much money was being spent.

Ridiculous but true.

So I did whatever I wanted to as long my credit card swiped or there was cash left in my wallet.

(I just checked my credit card statement and somehow it feels like it was a dream which cost money because I do not remember spending this much)

So because I was spending I spent on a psychic too (purely fun basis), and she did not say anything bad. Seriously…. she just did not.

I wont lie, she seemed very nice and somewhat right in describing me, but she personified euphemism like no other. My life is suppose to awesome and smooth apart from LOVE which aint working out.

Tell me something I don't know????

She said said some things which did make sense too, but I seriously wonder why I spent 50 bucks on that. I don't understand right now, but for some weird reason then I could not process the whole spending amount. Everything seemed doable.

The Psychic did not really clear any doubts.. she just told me what I knew, so basically I paid her for validating her vision and making sure it works without getting anything out of it.

(I swear I am not saying she was fake or anything… respect dude)

I spent too much. On stupid things. But I am not really regretting it :)

I am just wondering where my mind went?

VEGAS!!!

I am a fan of tall buildings, city lights and a lot of noise (ahem,.. we all know that).. and so obviously when I left for Vegas 4 days ago, I expected to be blown out of my mind.

And I was.

It is a city full of life. Its all about money. Pure lust for money. It can buy you anything in Vegas. And I mean ANYTHING.

I lived on Fremont Street (c’mon I am a college student, was hard to afford the Ceasers palace) so hopping on the bus was a multiple affair.

When I just stepped outside the Venetian and looked at the city around me, oh my god I felt that rush of excitement going through my head.

Every hotel, every casino has its own decor. There is something that sets one apart from the other (obviously a certain few not to mention names SUCK).

Go to Wynne or Encore and you’ll see class. Go to Bellagio or Ceasers and you’ll see the elite. Go to Planet Hollywood and the ambience will send you to a peppy club feeling. Trust me, you will get a pick. You’ll know where you want to be the next time you go there.

It has something for everyone. Even a small street shopping feeling outside Harrah’s for those who cant afford and courtyard (huge one) full of Jimmy Choos and Coach and Gucci and Prada and Versace for those who don't know where to spend.

Go there and just see for yourself.

Now on a serious note. ( I mean a different note)….

Gamble with care. These casinos give you free alcohol to gamble. You win some and then you think you are so good at it and then you lose way more than you made. It is vicious circle. Vegas runs on greed, and its everywhere to be found (Indians are exceptions, we in general are cheap people, certain exceptions apply)

(Also, I did not even see one INDIAN gambling big)

I did not gamble with care myself either but I always get carried away, so not surprising.

Jay Z and Alicia Keys made a song about New York. I really wonder why there is none about Vegas yet. After going there and experiencing it in a small doe, I can totally believe the HANGOVER story.

(Seriously, whatever happens in Vegas. Stays in Vegas)

Detaching

So ok. I don’t like being vulnerable. I mean who does. But I kind of hate it more than anything else I can hate. I am usually not. I think its more like never these days.

(PMS does not count)

In the recent past i have never seen myself getting affected by something very badly. I mean at least it has not been something which makes me super uneasy with myself.

(I am good like that, not being super modest..)

So when something makes me a little distressful, a little uneasy, I get so uncomfortable with myself that I just want to run away. Literally just go to a different part of the world, where I have to never ever see it again or face it again.

You can say I like to run away from emotional troubles. If someone bothers me, I block them out in the best possible way. Earlier I used to believe that I can not leave friends and being without them would be traumatizing even if they emotionally were not helping, but now I just block people out.

It is not the nicest way (obviously), but it keeps me detached and non EMO, which I would take any day over being bothered by what and why people do when they do it.

So when I hear people saying they are overly detached and they think its a sad thing. I say. Are you kidding me? Because after years and years of getting affected by people I feel awesome to be like this. (Seriously I do)

Blocking out is awesome. Don’t do shit, don’t take shit. I mean c’mon, how wrong can that be right?

All nighters

Well I wont lie, I spend a lot of nights up. I don't go to bed till 5 or even 6 am. I just stay up for no reason. I just like to do it. I try to go to bed on time but mostly, that’s an ordeal. (Going to bed early I mean).

I am up today. And I am dying to sleep, and its only 3:20 am. Why? Because I have to study. I have an exam tomorrow, and this one requires an all nighters.

I have never really pulled one off for a class in college. Back in high school, the good old days in India I did that on a regular basis. I kind of just knew how to study for hours and hours without taking any long breaks. It was easier.

Now. It is an ordeal. I can’t stand it. I can’t believe I used to do it 5 years ago. Just stay up study. Without a computer. Without a television. I just did it. All night long.

I just don’t feel like investing so much time and energy in exams now. I am almost done with college, and involved in a million other activities on campus, and studying is somehow not always the priority.

While growing up being ranked first in the class was so important. It was important to be recognized academically. it was important to beat everyone when it came to grades. But somehow, its not anymore.

I mean I am writing this write now instead of studying for the Stat exam, which is giving me nightmares even when I am awake.

(I swear I hate this class, and never have hated any class as much)

So anyways… all nighters are fun but not when they are in the library. Especially not anymore… SIGH!

Just me

I know I have people who love me. I know they will be there. And I guess they will be there when I need them. But I don't know why its not enough. It just isn’t.

I am blessed to have friends like that. I truly am. These people give me happiness, they give me the support I need. But its just not enough.

When I am drunk, people call me to make sure I am fine. They come pick me up. They come put me to bed. They call me and wake me up for my morning event. But its not enough.

I wonder whether that’s me being insensitive or overly demanding or just DAMAGED.

Sigh! It sucks to not be able to feel anything for anyone. Feel no attachments. I am happy. But I am not there yet. Not just yet. I wonder how long?

I said before. Time takes its time. Its the only thing that matters. And its taking some time. 6 months and still going. Damaged is the term I use now.

To all those people who care so much more than I deserve. Thank you. Thank you so much.  But I am sorry guys. Part and parcel of me is not being overly expressive.  Just the way I am now.

One day. Some day. I will be expressive. At least I hope so.

Generation Gap

ok…I am not old. At least not absolutely. I am not.

(20 something is not old and you know that)

But I feel old sometimes, or…. ok may be just older. I see freshmen kids coming to college and then I see what they do, and I get amazed. I can never understand how they do, what they do.

I always try and imagine myself 5 years ago, and how I dealt with similar situations, and man, I was different.

(I am not saying whether in a good or bad way, I just was)

And I feel the generation gap. Especially with those who come from India.

Some notable changes::

• While I grew up listening to old Hindi music, and watching old bollywood movies on cable, they listened to Ricky martin primarily and don't even know about the movies in the 70’s.
• I got my first computer in 8th grade, and they don't even remember when their first happened, probably because they were too young to remember
• I never drank alcohol before coming to college, and they know all the liquor kinds.. (I still am bad at them)
• I did not even know how to approach a boy at 18, I was god damn shy and so were most of my girl friends, but now..hmmmm… girls know their deal

And trust me this list can go on (only if I remember all things clearly)

Basically I don't know whether it is increasing technological development or increasing communication channels or media impact. But there is a gap, and it is widening too fast