Step back a little please

The best thing to do when you are someone like me and who does not have a good control over emotions is to step back a bit and think again.

And when I think after doing that I think more practically and things make more sense to me than they do in the, “moment".” I  lived my moment and now that my moment is gone, so much makes mores sense now.

I realize how stupid I can be even after everything is right in front of me. I don’t regret it at all, the moment, none of it. But I see things so much more clearly now and the clarity tells me that I was trying to have something that clearly would make me feel like shit sooner or later…

I did something because I wanted more out of it… and I am glad I was able to do it, but the question in my head is how do some people do it without wanting more? How do they restrict themselves to one thing? How do they differentiate between their wants?

A lot of this confusion probably comes from the fact that I am a girl and I don’t mind knowing what’s more to something unlike men, who well, mostly are scared of that something more….

Anyhoo….

Today, right now, at this very point, things make more sense to me… :))

Hopefully they still will tomorrow as long as I am stepping back and not letting my emotions do the talking…..

Oh btw.. I have become quite honest lately. I mean I was never a compulsive liar, but my honesty is not polite at all, and not helping a lot of causes… sigh

Just had to put it there…

For now… time and distance kick ass!!!

An open letter to Delhi Daredevils

I am from Delhi. I was born and brought up in Delhi. It’s the city I have spent 18 years of life in. My parents, my extended family, my heritage, everything comes from there. It’s the only city I know well in India, it’s the only place that got me where I am.

Even after all that, unfortunately, I can not support the Daredevils in the match against Kolkata on March 29. I tried to take my heart away from the game, but it has always stayed with the Knight Riders, and I can not support any team against them, even if it’s the city to which I belong.

May be if Kolkata was doing well and winning all their matches, I could have supported the Daredevils, but since that is not the case, I need them to win. I need them to win and make it to the semis, I need to see Shahrukh smile. I need to see Ganguly proud.

That being said. I still have favorites in the Delhi team. I still remember when Gambhir started playing. It was a delight to watch you play in 2007 T20 world cup. You were a star all along. You with the likes of Dhoni, Rohit Sharma and some other youngsters got us the cup. And I will still love to see you play well tomorrow.

I have never been a fan of Sehwag even though he was compared with Sachin. So Sehwag, I can not support you, even if you play for Delhi.  I would like to see A De Villiers play as well. I would like to see you stick to the crease and hit some shots as long as it doesn’t take the game away from KKR. I would like to see Nehra ball may be, but at the end of the day I would like to see Bond, Gayle, Hussey, Ganguly, Saha and others do what they do best. Win.

So I am writing this to say, I wish I could support you, but I can’t. Shahrukh matters too much, and this is one place, where I know I can listen to my heart and not regret it, ever.

With Love,

KKR’s fan but Delhi’s child

It doesn’t have to be love all the time

As much as people ask me to be spontaneous, I am not. I don’t do things in the moment. I like to think of the consequences and what after. My brain never stops working and so the moments are not as precious or I never let them be. Usually I do not.

This one time, the only time, the first time, I did something in the moment. I kinda have said this in my last post or the one before but right now when the moment has passed, I am glad I went through it. It was an experience and it was something I did not think through at all.

I do wish it  could last longer, I would be lying if I say I don’t, but I think the beauty of it comes from the fact that it was short and sweet. Dragging it would just make it bitter and raise questions. It would become one of those things which I would want to get out of. But right now, it seems priceless and the only thing I can think of is, sometimes people can do the right thing even after living in the moment.

The only song I can think of is, “I’ve had the time of my life,” from dirty dancing because I do not know if I felt that way before, but I definitely did not feel as free before. Never. I will probably not do something like that again, because now I am thinking (c’mon I have to do that), but I have memories, and I will keep them to myself, at least till they fade away.

That moment also made me realize that sometimes it doesn’t matter for how long you have been friends for, what matters is what kind of person you are and how much how are cared for. Sometimes 3 years are not enough, and sometimes 3 months are …..

I wish the reason I am doing this is justified. I wish the reason I was given is true. I wish I am not lied to. For now I believe I am not, and I just want to be glad I lived in a moment for once, for myself.

I also know, two years ago I would have done things differently, and I wish this happened 2 years ago. A part of me wants to take some things off my life right now, because I know I would have been a different person, I could have taken more chances. There wouldn’t have been that moment, there would have probably been more faith.

So, I guess I did have the time of my life… and I never did something like this before….and I owe it all to myself and some to you….

(The song goes differently…)

There is always a first

Friends, new friends and the older ones. I do not know if this will come as a surprise to most of you or even either of you, but I did something for myself without thinking of the consequences or living in denial.

For the first time ever I said what I wanted without being confused about it. I did not stop myself from being controversial if I had to. I just went with saying, what exactly I wanted.

And even though it was hard at first, I think it’s one of the best things I have done. It makes me feel more at peace (ok I did not sleep last night), but obviously there is this restlessness now, since now my thinking powers are taking over.. sigh

I also realized, sometimes it good to be spontaneous and just change the things a bit in your life. You don’t always have to same dressing all your life, or visit the same coffee shop every time. Sometimes you can take a stroll down a different block and buy something else.

(that was not a very good analogy, but still I tried)

What I am saying is with three months of college left, I better know what I want and not have any regrets. Just do what seems right in the moment, because after three months I won’t be here anymore.  I won’t be a student anymore. I won’t be able to make mistakes anymore.

I can just think of these lines right now, “Dil to bachcha hai jee” (Heart is a child)

Dreamless

I think too much. Way more than I believe most people do. My thoughts occupy so much of my free memory space that I am constantly multi-tasking.

I can be talking to someone while thinking about something absolutely different. And then what I think about is what I dream about. My brain is constantly being used, even when I am sleeping.

Most of my dreams are about people I spend a lot of time with or think about a lot. It amazes me how my brain makes me dream about things which either I want to happen or I am scared of happening. I know dreams are just, oh well, dreams, but why do they make so much sense to me sometimes?

I don’t know what people usually dream about. But I always end up having dreams about people. Not about travelling, being rich, being successful, getting killed, but just about people I know.

Since it is said that we dream about what is around us most of the time, this just proves how much importance I give to people. So very much. They don’t leave me even when I am asleep.

Sigh!!!

I think I need to be dreamless for a while. Not think while I am sleeping. Just sleep like there is no tomorrow. Too many dreams are making too very restless.

Also I am turning too many new leaves in my life right now, which may also be the reason behind my extreme restlessness. Need to get stuff a notch down.

Side note: It scares me how some people know me so well. Not some people, but you know the ones who do. They read my mind out and I am always like, “What just happened.” I don’t have much time with them left. My mind readers are going to go away… sigh!!!

I am not making much sense am I?

 

Love at 16

It’s spring break. (Last break of my college life). And I have way too much time on my hands. And so I am spending it by watching the music videos that ruled the 90’s in India.

One thing that so many of them had in common was the backdrop of school, and falling in love at 16. And so obviously I am thinking about the time when I was 16 and carefree.

I can’t help but think how carefree I used to be. To love someone was so instinctive and thought free. There was so much “cuteness” (for the lack of a better word) in them. Those glances. Just getting to talk once to that one person. Meeting in between classes. Talking on the phone (no cell phones then by the way). And all those small things, that do not even exist when you are older.

Those were the times when everyone believed in fairy tales. Boys did everything to just get a girls attention. They wrote letters (I did not grow up with emails either), saved pocket money to go on dates. Just holding hands and walking down the road seemed enough.

It was all about what you felt. How the other person made you feel. A little special. A little happy. Curfews made seeing each other so much more difficult. There was this excitement.There were no excuses. There was those butterflies. There were no responsibilities. It used to be all out of a book.

It’s amazing how all that seems so long ago. There are so many things that go into doing anything. What will people think? How will this affect life? Money? Nothing is spontaneous.

Sometimes I wish I could go back there and just love like that. Without thinking too much about it. Just be carefree.

Sigh!

For now, those days is all I can think of…

And for some reason this song…

 

 

An open letter to Sourav Ganguly

Dear Dada,

You know you are Kolkatta’s pride. You know you are one of the best captain’s the Indian team has ever seen. You know you have driven the team to do better every time you captained from the field or off the field. But what you perhaps don’t know is, sometimes even low scores can be a winning deal.

I am no expert. Will never be. But KKR is my team. Three hours of my time are spent on watching their games in the early hours of the morning (10 is early for me) and cheering for every run Gayle hits, or every wicket Sharma takes. So I feel responsible and hence speaking my mind whenever I need to.

Today was sad. It really was. While Gayle remained on the crease, he played like it was an ODI. We can not do that. I know they bowled well, and may be the pitch was slow. But if that was truly the case, how did Sachin manage to do what the whole KKR could not? He came blazing, and hit the fast pacers conveniently on the off side.

By the 6th over, it was obvious that fast pacers need to bowl short and slow. It was obvious to someone like me, who again is no expert. So why couldn’t Sharma and Bond bowl short and slow? Why?

(Since you are the captain, I believe you ask them to bowl short and slow? Don’t you.)

I am not trying to tell you how to do your job. You are definitely good at it. And your amazing catch to get rid of Tiwari has my full respect. But dada, we can’t do this. We can not be the worst team yet again. We need to learn to keep the momentum going. Someone like Tiwari can’t come and hit Bond anywhere and everywhere. That just says, something is very wrong.

Also, I think you should worry about your batting. Or may be not open? I know you do best as an opener, but this is twenty20. It’s either now or never. There can not be dot balls or a strike rate of 100 even. You are a legend, and once again I am not saying this because I know better. I am just saying what seems obvious to me as a mere spectator.

On a final note, this is Shahrukh’s team. He matters tons. And so you automatically matter a lot. Please re think about what you are doing. Why the fielders are mis-fielding, why the pacers are not going with the pitch and why the run rate while batting is so insulting.

With lots of love and hope,

KKR’s fan

Disclaimer: All this is based off today’s match against the Mumbai Indians. I am just a sad fan who sat through the entire match with the opposition supporters yelling her lungs out, and not reaching anywhere.

 

An open letter to Shahrukh Khan

Dear Shahrukh,

I am not sure if you know how much it matters to your fans (true ones that is) that your team plays well.

It makes us sad when you get upset after each defeat. It makes us upset when we read those sad tweets from you. It makes us upset when you truly can’t defend how badly the Riders lost since, oh well, they did do an epic lousy job. And it makes us even more upset when we can’t understand why the eleven who play, even play.

I know you can only have four foreign players each game, but for some reason most games we only see two. While we appreciate you giving the domestic players  a chance, but honestly don’t you think having McCullum or Gayle or Mendis would make your life a little easier?

You should also remember that there is a reason Rohan Gavaskar is 34 and hardly ever a part of the Indian team. Because he can’t play. We appreciate you giving him a chance and trying to live up to his father’s expectations as well, but you know as well as everyone else, he just can’t do it. Neither with the bat, nor with the ball.

(We understand that some international players have availability issues, but that’s why the bidding should be done after looking at their calendars)

KKR has lost 2 out of their four matches, which is fine for now. But you know  how losing becomes an ongoing streak for KKR. Let’s sit and re-evaluate the player list. Let’s see why Saha can keep while batting as well. Let’s see why Hodge needs to bowl in a 20 over match as the 6th bowler. and give away 12 runs.

I am from Delhi, but it’s because of you having a team in IPL that I can’t stop watching the series. I support KKR whole heartedly, and I will even if they lose every match.

But at the end of the day, every fan needs to see their team win. And so do I. I can not support my own team (Delhi), because of your team, your win matters so much.

So please. Consider building some strategies and having a better eleven.

With love,

Your big fan

Disclaimer: I may not have all my all my facts straight. But I am just a fan, standing in front of my team, asking them to make me happy..

Rant .. just cuz

It has always been so easier for me to know what I dont want, and always a dilemma when it comes to knowing what I do want.

I don’t know if this works with everyone, but for me actually knowing what I want is the biggest issue ever. Sometimes I live in denial and keep on saying I don’t want it till I actually don’t even have an option left of having it.

These days more than ever, I am not sure of what I want.

(nearing graduation is doing this to me)

Confusion is doing a very good job in making me jump from one decision to another. And honestly, I am not usually like that. At least not with decisions like job and money.

I think this whole lot of change that is right in front of me is scaring me. I am going to wonder what when it’s all over till it is all over.

Not a very nice feeling I must say.

I hope I am not the only person who is so scared of leaving college.

Sigh!

I doubt I am figuring out what I want anytime soon.

International student’s dilemma

If you are an international student in America who does not have parents who can shed out a couple of thousand dollars anytime they want to, please keep certain things in mind….

• Do not expect your university to help you out with money situations all the time. Most of the jobs are work study, and getting a part time aint that easy
• Do not expect the USCIS to make any work exceptions EVER. You want to work off campus, prepare to have no help WHATSOEVER
• They want you to leave the country after your undergrad. They really do. If you plan to stay, especially during recession. Think again. Like a million times.
• You want to work more than 20 hours a week in case you do find a part time job.. hahahah… not happening. Even if you are a straight A student
• You want to get to file for your work visa before your graduation term, because you have one lousy class left. Not happening.. (unless of course USCIS loves you)
• You want to apply for grants…. oh wait… you can’t…. foreigners are not helped with money

(Of course there are exceptions, but then these are the rules)

Basically. Thousands of foreign students are admitted to thousands of universities here. Millions of dollars are brought in the country through these kids.

But then why do they don’t get as much freedom if they are capable of it?

Nothing in moderation

I have established that I have an ‘extreme’ personality, and I do not do anything in my life in moderation.

I should have seen the signs long before, in fact when I was 8. I remember whenever my dad got me my favorite chocolate biscuits, I could never stop after eating two, or even three, or even four. I had to eat the entire pack. Because I liked them so much, I refused to believed my stomach. And just ate.

(ok, don’t say that’s why you are fat, I am not getting there from this).

When I got a little older, my dad bought me my first video game. And I kept on playing. Playing and playing. My mom had to physically pull me out from playing Mario. I liked it. So I could not stop doing it. Even if my eyes hurt.

Then I liked a boy. My first crush. And I could not like the guy in moderation (if you know what I mean). It was like every first crush is. Only I was a little more crazy than my girl friends were about theirs.

In between all that I am became Shahrukh’s fan. And everyone who knows me, knows that I have never been a fan in moderation. I follow everything he follows. I support his cricket team instead of the one I technically should be supporting, I drink Pepsi in India because he is its ambassador. I watch all his movies. Watch all his shows. Because I am not just a fan. I am one of THE fans.

Of course when I fell in love my love was anything but normal. I shifted my priorities, changed my beliefs, became emotionally exhausted. Did everything in extremes. There was no sensibility. No brain action involved. Heart ruled all my decisions. Nothing, absolutely nothing, was in moderation.

Obviously one of my worst habits, which I refuse to talk about here, is not in moderation what so ever. I know it will kill me (probably slowly is), but I still do it like crazy.

That being said. I wonder when and how can I switch to doing things in moderation. Control my habit. Control my emotions. Listen to my body and brain when they signal me to stop. I know I should. I just don’t know if I will.

P.S: My love for cricket is also an extreme if compared to other Indian girls.

 

Reel to Real

There was a time when I used to mention people on my blog and not keep them anonymous. If you have ever read through my older posts (more than a year ago), you’ll see all my old friends mentioned somewhere or the other.

I don’t do that anymore. I don’t know why.

(oh wait I do know a little bit)

May be, I feel like they will not like being mentioned like that since anyone and everyone has access to this. Or may be I feel like, that ways my whole life will be out in public.

(Oh wait, it may be almost it)

Whatever the reason is, I still like to talk about them but not take names. Some of them read this. And some of them don’t. But I am sure, what I am going to talk about now, will totally tell them, that it’s them (if they read this).

There are so many movies made. So many shows done. And probably some character, somewhere, can be my friend.

  Barney from How I met your Mother. I have one in my life. He is not really like him. But definitely can be like him. He likes to stay away from emotions, drama, relationships. Everything he says somehow gets related to sex, but you got to say, that he is cool and absolutely non-judgmental. All that is missing is the ‘suit’ and a perfect week.

Samantha from Sex and the city. She is chill and outgoing. She is an amazing friend, yet not expressive about it. She cares, but does not like the drama. She knows her ways with the boys, and yet can be committed when wants to. She loves her girls, and can be boy with the boys. All that is good about Samantha is her. Sometimes misunderstood, she is ready to cut people slack most days.

She is Amrita Rao from Ishq Vishq. She believes in certain things and will never change her belief. She is simple. Refuses to change her self to look hot or sexy. She is caring. She is kind. She does not expect to be loved the way she loves. She is the perfect daughter, and to that one guy, the perfect friend.

 

I wonder if they read this, they will even figure out it’s them. This is how they are in my head, but may be they will disagree.

I can do more of these, but I should be studying right now.

So tell me if you figure out who’s who…

To err is human

The art of not going with the flow of emotions is not something that I have ever been able to practice. I usually follow my heart, chose to be blind, hope, and just wait for things to get better (as much as I despise the wait).

When I was younger I did not know how to analyze situations as well. I took things on the face value. I believed people won’t hurt me. I believed that I will get something if I really really wanted it. I believed what was being told to me was always the truth. I did not know how some moments can make you do things that you don’t want in the first place. I did not know that when people say things, they think they believe, but so many time they are just scared of a change.

Obviously I am older now. Not much older, but enough to know that people do things, say things, that seem right in the moment. They end up hurting people not because they wanted to, but because they were scared of doing the right thing, because they themselves never realized how to do it till too late.

Seldom are people bad. It’s just that there are very few who know what do when the moment has passed. How to fix things. How to deal with someone else’s emotions. Because after all, we are human. And to err is human.

(BTW that does not mean no one is bad, some people are just bad outright)

All that being said, I want to say I am glad I know all this. Obviously, I wish I could believe that there are exceptions to these situations and I may across them. But personally, I have not seen people doing otherwise with me. They have done the same thing. Said things in the moment. But all that never makes me think they meant to hurt me anymore. I just think its human.

And best of all, I have learned to back off. Back off from situations where I know my emotions may over ride my sensibility. And I don’t think I could have done it one year ago. I wish I believed in exceptions more, but may be it’s just too early right now.

It always feels good when you know that you won’t get hurt by friends or anyone else. It’s good to know that people make mistakes, just learn to cut slack or stop expecting them do the right thing.

It’s good to know that I can fix some things for myself before I get trapped in the moments or even worse… emotions.

Planning the last three months

It’s almost over. I have been talking about it a lot over the past few months, how I want to make special. Have endless memories. Reminisce a little and all that jazz. So now, it’s time that I come down to actually thinking about what I want to, and how I want to do.

So fellows, after a long long, very long time. I am writing my to do list here. Plans don’t always work,but my summer list from last year, did sort of work, so I thought I’ll try this one again.

So things I want to do now, since after that, it’s never going to be the same.

• Save money so that I can have money to travel over the long summer I get

      Travelling means going to Germany and Poland. Hopefully this time  I’ll make it happen

• Meet everyone I have met in college. Spend time with all those who are new in my life, but definitely got me here
• Make amends. Forget and forgive
• Stay out of boy trouble (this is very important for a successful term)
• Go out, have fun, every weekend, or even week day
• Plan more events on campus, attend even more of them
• Not think too much. Seriously. I do it a lot. Just go with the flow
• Plan the most epic graduation party
• Hope that I won’t make some mistakes (I usually do repeat some)

ok, this probably seems like an easy list. But trust me it’s not. Not thinking is a hard thing to achieve, but very important for a peaceful yet thrilling spring.

So since my mood is all uplifted right now, I’ll leave you with this song. This just makes me happy. It has something very soothing to it.

(For me that is)

Cynicism

Wikipedia defines this term as, “Cynicism (Greek: Kυνισμός) originally comprised the various philosophies of a group of ancient Greeks called the Cynics, founded by Antisthenes in about the 4th century BC. The Cynics rejected all conventions, whether of religion, manners, housing, dress, or decency, advocating the pursuit of virtue in a simple and unmaterialistic lifestyle.”

So now the question how much of does this definition is apt, in case a person is being categorized as cynical.

(Random early morning thoughts)

If you are religious, but still believe in the goal of achieving ultimate happiness. Can you still be Cynical?

If you do not believe that being upset by something or someone and still dealing with it, because there is a chance of achieving happiness. Is it cynical?

Is it Cynical if you believe in giving up on people who can upset you because the ultimate goal is present happiness?

Is it Cynical if you don’t see the good first but the worst?

Is it Cynical if you are materialistic but reject the conventions about love?

Is it Cynical if you base everything of one bad experience?

Well in my opinion. Not really. It’s more like a balancing act.

What do you think???

 

The grapevine

When I was younger, which means 4-5 years ago, I always used to think that if someone told someone what I asked them not to tell, they have broken my trust.

I have grown out of that. 

I can't help but find it funny that the grapevine is inevitable in friend circles. If you have ever seen FRIENDS or How I met your Mother or even Brothers and Sisters, you probably know what I mean.

Basically its the same setting. It's usually a group of 5-6 friends (It's weird how the number is always this) and everyone is close to everyone. Some more. Some less. One has feeling for one. There is one couple. There is the outcast. And there is one goofy. It's all there. It's always a mix of different people, who learn to love each other and be amazing friends.

And there is the grapevine. You always tell one person your secret and tell them not to tell anyone (even though you know it's way too much to ask), and within 24 hours all the others know. It happens every time, yet you tell every time thinking it won't happen this time.

And on top of that, the one who is the last one to know, gets upset. Because he or she got to know it out in the end. And you can't help but explain yourself, even though (oh wait!!), it was your secret in the first place.

It happens all the time. In all friend circles. And I just realized recently. Hats off to the creators of the above series, because honestly, they did nail the dynamics of a friend group down. If not completely, then a lot. 

Sometimes I feel, me and my friends actually live in a sitcom (Well they made me realize it). We have all the ingredients of making a show. We have a million stupid jokes, completely different personalities,a number suited for our group size, fights, quarrels, stupidity, affection. Everything. And most importantly, we have the grapevine, which everyone knows about, but still gets surprised about its power every once in a while.

What’s the right thing to do

There are many ways a situation can be interpreted in. We are asked to do the right thing. We are expected to not be unfair to or hurt people. But what if we don’t even know we are doing it? or what if we need to do it to protect our happiness?

Unless it’s about murdering someone (and other insane things like that), it is so hard to know what’s the right thing to do. You want to do what is best in the situation, but so many times, the best isn’t obvious.

What do you do…

When you have to chose between reporting a friend to your boss because he messed up an email?

When you have to say good bye to your parents and leave them alone because your future is miles and miles away from them?

When you have to decide between staying away from a friend because you have to hide those feelings you have or just be upset?

When you have to say no to your best friend because your boy friend want to see a movie?

When you have to chose between the guy who loves you and will keep you happy or the one who drives you insane but makes you ecstatic at the same time?

What’s the right thing to do?

Do we always know?

Let’s come back

Today is weirdly a calming day. I have not been this much at peace with myself as I am today. Nothing good happened to me, but  whatever did made it worthwhile.

There are always those people in your life you will always be close to. You can fight with them, not see them for as long as you can remember, you can chose to believe you can never be friends with them. But all it takes is one small talk to fix it all.

Those people make your home. They are the people who will always make you feel safe, even if you have 100 other friends to go to. They are your comfort. Your love. Your family. Your space. They are all you need.

People say what matters is the quality of time you spend with someone, not as much as quantity. That is true. The quality does matter. Certainly does. But the quantity can do wonders too. When you see it from where I am standing right now, I see four some years spent with those people who make my home. They make my comfort zone. They mostly made my happiness.

I remember most of days spent with them just sitting and talking. I think of college, and I think of them. They made staying here worthwhile. It’s not the same, certainly isn’t. But every day I wish it was. Some things can’t be fixed. Some friend I can never get back.

But for the ones who are there, I just want to say, I think it’s time we make it back. Because I know once we are done in 3 months, they’re isn’t going to be any time left. So may be, right about now, let’s just all come back and stay at home :)