:(

So you know how I have been saying there isn't much to talk about in terms of being super senti and emo stuff. I guess there is now, not something I thought I would write about.


There are very few people in your life, and you are lucky if there are any, who affect your life a lot, and without whom, it's hard to imagine it.


I don't know if I am lucky or unlucky to have had two such people in my life. One I lost, and it took me a good long while getting used to having a life without him. It was a journey in it's own way. It was a learning experience. It was a call for having a shell, being more careful, it was painful, very painful.


And now the other one is leaving, moving 1000s of miles away and that my dear readers is not sitting very well with me. I know we will still talk but it's so weird to imagine not having her around all the time. It seems unrealistic, it seems insane and more than anything it seems very very painful.


I don't think I have it in me to get used to not having her around. Not spending hours talking about pointless things. 


(I think I am going over board)


I have never ever used the term 'lonely' about my life. But I feel like, life's gonna be lonely now. 

Too many of those sorries

I think sometimes, some people overdo their “sorry.”

Its so easy for some people to say, “I am sorry,” after every time they think they did something wrong. They use it so often. After a while it just doesn’t seem genuine anymore, or promising anymore.

Once upon a time a had a friend, a very close one, and even that person over did the sorries, after being the sort who never used, “I am sorry,” for the longest. Somehow being ok after an “I am sorry” makes it a way to get out of anything and everything.

(Too many Chances just  make you look like a fool)

Right now I am thinking how often do I use the “sorry” word. It holds some weight in my head. I guess because I stop taking sorries seriously when they are over done, so I use them carefully.

Which brings me to my other thought, why do I feel they are over done so often. Is it just me, who projects the, “you’ll get away with anything” notion, or is it genuinely a global phenomena?

Oh well. It is high chance it is just me. I do get the weirdest kinds, no matter how normal they are in isolation.

Sigh!

P.S: Too many changes. Too much happening. I miss my family. Bear with the randomest discussions. Not that I don’t say that enough.

 

The grapevine

When I was younger, which means 4-5 years ago, I always used to think that if someone told someone what I asked them not to tell, they have broken my trust.

I have grown out of that. 

I can't help but find it funny that the grapevine is inevitable in friend circles. If you have ever seen FRIENDS or How I met your Mother or even Brothers and Sisters, you probably know what I mean.

Basically its the same setting. It's usually a group of 5-6 friends (It's weird how the number is always this) and everyone is close to everyone. Some more. Some less. One has feeling for one. There is one couple. There is the outcast. And there is one goofy. It's all there. It's always a mix of different people, who learn to love each other and be amazing friends.

And there is the grapevine. You always tell one person your secret and tell them not to tell anyone (even though you know it's way too much to ask), and within 24 hours all the others know. It happens every time, yet you tell every time thinking it won't happen this time.

And on top of that, the one who is the last one to know, gets upset. Because he or she got to know it out in the end. And you can't help but explain yourself, even though (oh wait!!), it was your secret in the first place.

It happens all the time. In all friend circles. And I just realized recently. Hats off to the creators of the above series, because honestly, they did nail the dynamics of a friend group down. If not completely, then a lot. 

Sometimes I feel, me and my friends actually live in a sitcom (Well they made me realize it). We have all the ingredients of making a show. We have a million stupid jokes, completely different personalities,a number suited for our group size, fights, quarrels, stupidity, affection. Everything. And most importantly, we have the grapevine, which everyone knows about, but still gets surprised about its power every once in a while.

The concept of dating

“Dating” is the term used when two people are courting and trying to know each other. It is more like a no stress phase where people figure out things about each other. What they like, what they don’t like, whether they even want to give each other a shot.

You can date anyone. You can blind date. You absolutely don’t have to know anything about each other. That is what dating is for. And it works. For most people it just works. They date, they know, they get in a relationship.

For me that just does not work. I have tried going on dates, but never made it to a second one. I need to know the person very well even before thinking of getting into a relationship. I get the concept of dating on paper, but for some reason in practice it is a failure for me.

(Wait there is a twist to this)

All this means that I can only fall for someone who is a friend and that is once more the biggest no no for me. Being with a friend in a relationship has the worst break ups in the history of mankind (obviously this does not have to be the universal truth, but it is mine). You lose the guy both as a friend and as someone with whom you shared something special.

Boooom.. and its all gone..

So that leaves me with the question what should I do? Right now its not a problem, because I am not really thinking about anything like this with anyone, but one day may be it will be.

Some say if you are already friends with a person, falling in love with them is the best thing ever. The comfort level is majestic. It is just what you need. I agree. All this I agree to. But what when it ends for whatever reason, your best friend just leaves hurting you. Then what?

Sigh!

What I am trying to say is that I can’t date because I know I will not fall for the guy if I don’t know anything about him. It has to happen naturally you see. And if it happens naturally after some months, may be 6 or even a year then oh well, he is a friend. And I am scared of losing any more of those.

Sigh!

(Yes I sigh a lot when I am confused)

Basically the question is to whether to take chances or not. Dating randomly doesn’t work, so whether to take a chance with a friend, if ever!

The answer still unknown!

When you close your eyes

Every once in a while you want to just stop whatever you are doing and think for a while. You need to close your eyes and just take a deep breath and gather those thoughts. Just go back in time a little. Just breathe.

The world moves too fast for an average person. Before you know it the childhood is over. It’s time to be mature and responsible. And you run looking for happiness, run to make a living, run to keep up with the world.

But then in all this craze there are those moments when you close your eyes and reach a different place. Your happy place. The place, the person that made you happy or makes you happy. So many thoughts. So many things to do. But just close you eyes. And stay still.

There is this song I listen to every now and then. It instantly works on me. It has a sad tone to it, but it takes me back to some happy days. It just works. I close my eyes and I see everything. Every moment. It just works.

The song just means that without those moments everything seems to have a lesser impact. The rains seems drier. The light seems dimmer. The breeze is not that breezy. And there are just not that many wishes anymore.

So some memories still stay. They still work. They still make me happy.

Bye bye to Portland and Seattle

I had an amazing vacation. And that combined with some other reasons I just do not want to go back to Philly. I am 1.5 hours away from landing, and I just wish I did not have to go back there… at least for now.

West Coast is definitely a whole different world altogether. And I think north west is the most under rated region in America. Where else would you see a mountain peak on the left and down town Seattle on the right, creating the most blissful scenery? Seattle is made for someone like me. Being a technical person, companies such as Microsoft and Amazon just create opportunities for me there. The weather is ummmm not that great but I think I can manage. Varun lives three hours away, Gwen lives right there and I heard the dating scene is awesome there (I mean who doesn’t find that appealing)

I know at the end of a trip or being away for a while, I have always wanted to come back to Philly. But that has to do a lot with the people around me, and not the city on its own. I know I can create a Philly in Seattle if I want to, rather if I get to be with that many people.

Its high time, I start preparing myself to leave Philly. It’s not like I am going to be there forever. Portland is a little to quiet for me, but may be Seattle is it.

So now back to this plane ride. There is a kid sitting in the row in front of me, and he has managed to turn my computer off two times by just slipping his hand through the gap between the seats and making me re write this post twice

(yeah yeah.. I should save my drafts)

Now three days in Philly, and then I head to Tuscan AZ.  Some life people would say. Can I say the same though??

Anyhoo.. I fly so much, but somehow I never ever liked it as much especially when I cant sleep. This flight is 2 hours 39 minutes, which is nothing compared what I usually do, but for some reasons it seems 10 times longer….sigh

A sad post

If you have ever read my blog, you know how much I blab about my friends. How much they mean to me, and how much I care.

It just hit me today that when you get too close to them, they have the power to hurt you because they know how to.

How does it feel when they chose someone they met some months ago over you (who has been there for years) while knowing the choice would kill you?

Its at that time you realize YOU failed. Because you put so much trust and faith in a person who was never ready to appreciate it. He kept on pretending that you mean something, but really you were just some time pass to fill some void, which the new person filled.

It just saddens me deeply. Because I have always maintained that I am blessed to have such friends. But may be, I am not. May be I still need to learn a lot. May be I was not good enough.

I say 'I' because this fact is so very true to me for so many reasons. 

I wish I knew better...... too late... late enough to be sorry