Once upon a time in Afghanistan

I can’t say I a very well informed person. I am somewhere in the middle who chooses to block out certain information, she should have cared about, but she doesn’t.

I am not a feminist, at least not an intense one, but I do certainly take more interest in problems, stigmas, issues with women and like to know about them, so that some day I can make a difference.

I was reading this article on foreignpolicy.com about how Afghanistan lives a barbarian life and can be compared to living in the 13th century. But the catch is, it was not always like that. I know our generation just knows an Afghanistan, where women are treated like door mats, people strive to get education, electricity is a luxury and revolting is suicide. But I found it very interesting to know that once upon a time in Afghanistan, things were not like that.

The most interesting part about the pictures in the article was the women. They dressed western, they worked jobs, they went to colleges and universities and worked along side men. This picture in particular made me wonder, how does a country go so backward, after being so forward in as early as the 1950’s. Women went to the same college as men, there were coed universities in an Islamic nation, which from where I see it, is quite modern. Then how did the country become hell for its people, especially the women??

I read it somewhere that having a girl child in Afghanistan is a nightmare. Girls as young as 12 years are raped, and no one does anything about it. Parents are such subjected to torture and ultimate loss. Rape is normal in Afghanistan. And that makes me wonder how can a country so progressed become so barbaric? I know the facts, but I just wonder, how one group can change the fate of a big, once peaceful, progressive country.

Family first

I grew up in a household which was very hard core Indian. My mom, the house runner, my dad the bread winner, and their two girls.

My mom was the one who made us pray everyday, taught us bhajans, made sure we did well in school and helped out with school work till she could understand what we were learning. My dad, the protective conservative Indian father was all about education and no distractions. He is a professor, he was the smart sophisticated man who taught us to just trust the family, believe in education.

My parents did not have a social life, they never took vacations. The only time we left Delhi was to go to Nainital and Jaipur. That’s all the vacation we ever took. We were all very Indian, I never knew what was happening in the US or in any other sports apart from cricket. The only movies I watched came from Bollywood, the only food I knew, was Indian.

All that was actually perfect, because that’s all I knew how to live as a family. Now years later, when I am away, and my dad is tired and deserves to retire and just live at home, I want so much more for them.

I was planning to go to Europe and see my friends there again, but I just realized, it is time to give back. Tell my father, that everything’s ok and it’s time to rest. Tell my mom, she can buy that saaree she always wanted. Tell my sister, she can go away on a trip with her college friends, it’s time to put family first. It is high time to put family first.

I don’t know why I did not realize that earlier. It’s my turn now. And I have to start right now. My mom has done enough. My dad is not the same person anymore. It’s my turn to give them everything I can. Europe can wait. It’s time to go home and make some magic happen.

Right now, at this very moment, there is nothing more that I want, than seeing my mom buy everything she ever wanted, and watching my dad be the same person again.

Time to make it all happen.

Happiness

Happiness is what makes sense right now. It is in small things. It is in appreciating what you have, rather than what you don’t.

I have so much and yet I wonder sometimes why I don’t have what I have wanted for a while now. But the weirdest thing is, I don’t even know what I want.

I had the best time of my life right now without anyone and I am happy. For now I am. Tonight is to the power of friendship, the sex and the city kinds. To standing by your girls friends, whenever and forever. Happiness is when you know you can say the meanest thing to them and still when you look back they’ll be there.

Happiness is when you know you are not scared to go away and come back to emptiness. So I am happy. I know someone will be waiting.

Flipping flopping

I am girl. I like boys. So I can only give my theory on how boys act when in some sort of relationship with a girl (Friendship/dating/married/etc etc.).

When men make women cry all the woman wants is to be made to feel better. Have them follow up on how they are feeling. Made to be feel they are cared for (not just telling). Woman are easy that way. You show them you care, and they calm down.

And the problem arises when women are taken for granted. When that happens, their tears, their being upset, their feelings don’t seem to matter much to men, and that’s when the woman in question should know something is wrong. Something in the relationship is unbalanced. Somewhere they are not cared for as much as they are told.

Some men like to flip flop. Their mood swings are worse than any woman’s. They would be the most affectionate one day, and something would set them off and you wouldn’t see them again. Woman know that for a while a now, but when the man matters somewhat, they deal with it. But this is the time when they should know he isn’t sure about them. Or anything there is in between.

So when men are flipping and flopping and not really following what they say then I think its time you know, “He is just not into you.” Be as a friend or anything else.

 

What’s most scary right now?

So we are finally down to 20 more days. Close to 3 weeks.

Graduation is closing in and I am so scared of people. Isn’t that weird? People fear not getting a change, being more responsible, losing on the college life, and I am fearing people in a sense that I don’t even know.

My friends and close friends and some other people ask me how does it feel. Some want to come to my graduation and cheer me (I don’t have family coming), some are happy that I am probably going to be around and some well, pretend to care.

All that is freaking me out. Is that weird? I am glad that I at least have people who are bothered, but I do not know if I want people to show up for my graduation or be there when I am crying after that. I do have a reason for that which I may not be able to explain very well, but I am still going to give it a shot.

For years now, all that has mattered to me is PEOPLE. If someone asks me what I want to do, I say hang out with some close friends, go out with some close friends, live with some close friends. That’s all I have always said. And now I feel like expecting to have them around, to participate in my happiness/sadness is asking for too much. It makes me build weird expectations. It gives me a sense of want which when not fulfilled just leaves me sad.

(I am pretty sure I am not making sense)

So when someone asks me, what time do you want us to be there, or let’s celebrate after that, or do this, do that, I feel like I am making them take time out for ME which makes me uneasy. 2 years ago, I would have made them come. But now, I don’t want the burden of making them do something for me.

(Makes some sense now??)

I just want to do it on my own. I don’t even expect my bff to be there for me, or those I love (my friends), or even that one guy who is on my mind. Is that weird? (I am asking that too much, am I not). I would like to be sad on my own that day. It is a big deal for me. Huge deal. But for some reason, I don’t want it to be any deal for others. I know they all want to, but it feels like they think they HAVE to, which is exactly something I am scared of.

So 20 days before graduation people scare me. I have made myself believe now, that no one changes their schedule for anyone, and I don’t want that from anyone. For some reason, spring is reminding me of way too many disappointments and that is making me weary of PEOPLE.

(ok ok.. I know I don’t make any sense)

Commitment???

I have read it so many places that college is a time when you will either meet the love of your life, or you will have so many disappointments that you may think this is it for you.

I won’t say I have had a lot of disappointments, but I can definitely say that I do think this is it for me. Weird ehh?

There is too much chaos around. Too many people doing things which make me question the existence of loyalty, fidelity and sometimes even friendship. I am trying to be sane and believe all those experiences I have read and heard of. People always say it all changes after college. There is more commitment to be seen. But is that really true?

At this point in time commitment is a huge thing for me. I don’t even know how can someone be so sure about the rest of their lives (well I know I am contradicting myself from a year ago, but shit happens). I have friends who are getting engaged or married, and I think to myself HOW?

I can’t even imagine being with someone right now, leave alone committing. It is a scary thought to me. I don’t know how do people know at 22 or 23 that the person they are with is the same person they want to be with forever. Forever is way too long. In 5 years of college I have seen so many people just fall out of love or commitment or friendship, I don’t even know how do you think of a forever?

I have to attend weddings of friends who I grew up with. They are all excited and thrilled to take the plunge. And I just don’t understand how. How do you give so much of yourself to someone (I mean I know how, but I don’t know how to now).

Basically if I was talking to some Indian, all I would want to say is, “yaaaarrrr.. ye log itna commitment kaise detein hai???”

Will power

I think I lack will power.

In my head I have shoulds and should nots, but so many times I go with the should nots for those few moments of happiness when I know some hours, or even a day later, I will be disappointed.

I had a friend whose will power amazed me. He was so strong in his head that he could stop himself from anything that would just give him some moments of happiness. His control over his actions is something I will always be in awe of. The man isn’t perfect, but if their is one wish I am granted, I would like to take that quality of his. I really would.

I get myself into situations where I question myself later. I wonder why did I do something when later I realize it did not mean much to other people. My theory of living in the moment gets me into too many disappointments but I never stop myself from doing that still.

My bff always tells me how I need to be more strong willed and restraint myself from living in the moment situations because me being me, gets mind f***ed. But obviously I do not listen. (Actually I think if I did listen to her most times, I would be a more at peace individual, god I give her too much credit)

So now I am thinking, at 3:30 am, why do I do what I do, when I know I am not even going to be made to feel the moment of happiness was worth it.

Sigh!

Will power. Where is this will power. It only comes to me when I need to get away/run away. I can run away any day I want to from whoever without thinking I’ll lose someone, the moment I get hurt. That’s the only place I show some will power. Phewww…

Would have been nice if I showed some before reaching that point.

Ok now I am just blabbing.

Time to plan the summer of 2010

June 12, 2010 is when I graduate. (I am sure everyone who reads this knows this).

After that I have more than 3 months of nothingness, and so much uncertainty that I think I should go back to making lists and then crossing off things one by one. I am getting way to sad and to come to think of it, this is inevitable, so I better start getting happy about the summer, and make it the best EVER.

Everything that I plan on doing, or would want to do, needs money. So if I am able to save up enough, these are the things I would want to do:

• Go to Portland and Seattle in June end. Once again.
• Hopefully get out of boredom immediately after that and go to Mannheim aka good old Deutschland :D
• Spend a week there and go to Poland (12 hours on the bus, sigh)
• Make a trip to Paris if someone agrees to come with me (you never know)
• Go to India and meet a million people
• Take sister to Bombay and Goa and meet my amazingly good friend in Bombay (Can’t call it Mumbai, even now)
• While doing all that, cleanse my brain (If you know me, you know what this means)
• Come to Delhi, take mommy and daddy for a trip.
• Go to Singapore or Malaysia with those friends I will probably never spend a lot of time with later :/
• Make some money somehow.. I don’t know how will this happen, but I shall try
• Come back in September end and start my dream job

So there is my list. I know I can not aim for everything on this, but a girl can try. Can’t she? I have had few successful ones before (well 70% success rate), but let’s make it a fantabolous summer. Shall we?

 

A word of advice

If I ever say that I have seen it all when it comes to men, then I would be lying. Wouldn’t I?

I am still in college (well for a month at least), and I am sure there is much more to come. But even after all that I feel like there is this similarity I have seen in the ones I have been involved with, and now somethings that are said (even if I am not the one involved), that make me not take them seriously.

One of my guy friends and I were having some sort of discussion and this is how it went:

He: You know, there is no right way to say NO to a girl

Me: What do you mean?

He: If you avoid her you are an ass, if you spend time, you are an ass

And I suddenly realized how right he was. So many guys when told, that one of their close female friends like them, get so confused that they do not how to deal with the situation without losing the friendship. They say/do things which they know they shouldn’t have, because they are suddenly trapped in a circle of unwanted events.

And then they try and get themselves out by saying how much the girl means to them as a friend, and how much they love her as a friend but nothing more. And I know for a fact they mean it when they say it. But what they don’t realize is no matter what they say to the girl, it won’t make her feel better.

Women don’t like to pursue or wait for the men, as men do for the girl they want. They read more into things then men do. They don’t care if you love them as a friend if you have done/said something that should have meant more. Because trust me, all this, “I love you as a friend” goes away once you start dating someone else. It truly does. So honestly guys, I know it’s a hard situation for you all, but don’t say, “I can’t afford to lose you as a friend",” because all that is bull crap. I know you mean every word when you say it, but you should also know that eventually, some time later, you yourself won’t believe in all that once (if) things go sour.

So guys I know it’s a difficult situation. And it sucks to deal with it. And full sympathies to you all. But think about that girl who was probably left heartbroken on top of losing you as a friend. When you probably, just lost a friend.

 

Counting down to the end

Exactly one month to graduation. I know a lot of seniors who have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Some are super excited about leaving. Some are just worried about getting a job. Some are just sad, and some don’t care.

I am neither. This is life changing for me. My campus is the place I call home. The past five years have contributed 90% to who I am. I have become cynical, loving, hating, caring, everything because of what I learned here, and I see this as an end of an era in my life.

For the first time in five years I have nothing to look forward to. Yes I may start working in October if everything goes according to plan, but three months in between are just there without me having any idea of what I will do.

This has never happened before here, when I have not known what to do. I am not used to vacations. I am not used to not working, and even worse, not being able to work in the summer because of a million restrictions that the government poses on international students.

So I have nothing to look forward to. Nothing at all. I just get uneasy at the thought of packing and moving my life around. I should be ok with it. I should be ready for this. But I am not. All I know is I have had the time of my life, and every moment has made me thank my gods for getting me this country and to this school. I don’t know how to live otherwise.

I don’t know how to not get access to the library, or the labs or chill in the quad between classes. I don’t know how to not know what week of classes is it, or what event is going on campus. All I know I is its scary and it is making me sad along with unhelpful.

These lines right now fit my emotions in the most approximate way:

The more I look back on all the happy times
the easier it is for me to realize
that friends are much more then hellos and goodbye
it all comes down to what you have inside.

Yes, some are good singers and some are athletic
but that doesn't matter (are you starting to get it?)
all that is important is the feeling inside
if your white or black or green or blue eyed.

For me to sit and say "I wont miss this old place"
is wrong and untrue (cant you tell in my face?)
all the friends and teachers meant so much to me
I don't know any place that I'd rather be.

"Those were the days", I'd here my parents say.
cherish there years...each and everyday
The people you'll meet and the places you'll go
and the hurt once that gone is more then you'll know.

All my friends will be leaving and I'll still be here
All my friends I'll be losing is my greatest fear
Promise you wont forget me as you go away,
promise you'll be back to see me someday!

Courtesy: graduation day by Grimm @ The friendship page

I don’t know how to feel any different at this very moment.

SIGH!!!

The Gangs

I was just watching an episode of How I met your mother and right as the episode ended I realized how parting from friends is so inevitable.

If ever there is a group of friends, no matter how close, things change, as the lives of those who make it up change. Just yesterday I was talking to one of my friends, and this is how the conversation went (well sort of)

He: He is cute, why don’t you give it a shot

Me: I don’t want to give anyone a shot

He:But why?

Me: Because then things will change. I won’t be sitting here with you at 2 am and just chilling. I don’t want that.

He: Why???

Me: Because once I change that about my life, I change other relationships in my life, and I don’t want to do that right now.

College is already getting over. The circle I had is getting disintegrated. The friends who always hung together are moving on with their lives. It’s about looking for jobs and settling down now. It’s not about taking classes together or planning the next weekend anymore.. And whatever of it I have left, I don’t want to change by adding any extra commitments in my life.

It makes me sad to know that we all will never live together, fight the way we do, grab a beer whenever we want to. Everything will need planning. Everything will involve around the other commitments that come in our lives from now on. Some will get married, some will move away, and some, well, will just go.

This college ending thing is not working very well with me right now. Too much change. And I think I am not handling it very well.

Sigh!!

Honestly, I like my life

This post may sound  like I am completely contradicting myself, given I just wrote about how much I like America.

But right now I am in a state where I just want to run away. Most days I am glad for the life I have, I thank god everyday for giving me what I have, I feel lucky for being where I am. But today is one of those days where all I want is to leave.

In my head, the thought of just disappearing from the face of the earth seems very appealing right now. I want to go to a small city in Europe, where no one knows me, and I don’t know anyone and just start afresh. Just call my parents, and be in touch with them. Get away from facebook, gtalk, a smart phone and all those things that bind me way too much to be  being connected to everyone and everything.

I think I need this break to get some peace of mind and stop worrying about things that are completely inconsequential. I think about things which I know don’t deserve so much thought. I think so much that I never go dreamless. I expect, I rant, I get into drama, I don’t rejoice in my professional and academic accomplishments, but rather stress about personal failures. After five years of being here, and knowing that the campus won’t be my home anymore, I need to just leave and start over.

This may sound very extreme and dramatic, but the person I am has a brain that contradicts itself every single time. May be it’s finally time for me to just give up on people for a while, especially when I know my absence for some time will not change anything. I will not be hurting anyone by just leaving.

I wish I am able to leave after school is over. Even if it’s for 2 months. I wish I can stop thinking when I leave. I wish I can just be by myself and learn to be happy alone.

Lil bit desi, lil bit American

So many ask me what am I doing here in the States. I should have been in India watching all those movies I love, all the songs I hum, all the cricket that I watch, all the ad films that air on Indian National television. My love for all these is so strong that it makes them think what am I doing here.

But the thing is, this is America. The beauty of it comes from the fact that you can stay her and still connect with home. I spend my days listening to songs like, “Chalte chalte mere ye geet yaad rakhna,” “Lag ja gale.” “Kisi ki muskurahaton pe ho nisaar,” all the ones from 1950’s or 60’s or 70’s. I reminisce by watching old bollywood movies and by cheering the Indian cricket team no matter when they play. I start singing, “Aati kya khandala” while hanging out with my non-Indian friends.

I like to curse in Hindi. I like to express in Hindi. I like to stand up whenever my national anthem plays. I like to smell the streets of Chandni Chowk. I like to feel like it feels in Delhi winters. I like to do so many things that make people wonder why am I here?

I am here because I can do all these things here and still be who I am. Openly non-conservative, and openly independent without any outside pressure. India is still developing in terms of gender equality, and as much as I love the smell of first rain in Delhi monsoons, I love my freedom, I love my independence, I love not being judged, and not judging.

I love not being answerable, I love not being stopped from doing things just because I am a girl, I love walking out at 3 am and feeling safer, I love knowing how to get everything done through the system without a third man, I love everything that I can do, what I couldn’t have done.

As much as I miss the smell of home, and the old hindi songs, I love it here. I know I can listen to the songs here even if I don’t get the same feeling, but I don’t know if I can walk out a 3 am there without a fear.

I am very desi. Very much indeed. But I also love America for the freedoms. So I am here being the desi I want to be, the desi I am proud of, the country I am proud of.

Clouds of the Past

I was once told that sometimes when you take a step forward in your relationship with people there is no going back. No matter how much you want to, it just becomes too hard to go back, or sometimes even impossible.

I do believe that, but I also believe that sometimes there are other things involved that makes it harder not just you and the person in question. The other times, it’s your past experience that makes you question things and people, which makes it even more difficult to let things change at all, you can’t go back, and you can’t move forward. You are stuck.

I give my past a lot of value in judging situations. I feel I can’t be spoken to in a certain way, or treated a certain way even if I know this person has no bad intentions. It makes me upset, very upset, to the point, that I just want to run away. Not deal with anything. Not talk. Not exist.

It does sound like an extreme and I know it’s about time I stop relating everything to what happened long ago, but when I think I am doing better with comparisons, something is said that makes me question my relationship with people. All because I compare. I remember how it made me feel. I remember what sometimes, people are capable of.

I am upset right now. While writing this I am upset but I know I won’t be tomorrow. I know I’ll be fine because my past protects me. It makes me stronger too, it makes not give a damn, it makes me quit without pain.

But the bottom line. The past still haunts me, sometimes its a good thing, and sometimes I wish I could erase it.