Will power

I think I lack will power.

In my head I have shoulds and should nots, but so many times I go with the should nots for those few moments of happiness when I know some hours, or even a day later, I will be disappointed.

I had a friend whose will power amazed me. He was so strong in his head that he could stop himself from anything that would just give him some moments of happiness. His control over his actions is something I will always be in awe of. The man isn’t perfect, but if their is one wish I am granted, I would like to take that quality of his. I really would.

I get myself into situations where I question myself later. I wonder why did I do something when later I realize it did not mean much to other people. My theory of living in the moment gets me into too many disappointments but I never stop myself from doing that still.

My bff always tells me how I need to be more strong willed and restraint myself from living in the moment situations because me being me, gets mind f***ed. But obviously I do not listen. (Actually I think if I did listen to her most times, I would be a more at peace individual, god I give her too much credit)

So now I am thinking, at 3:30 am, why do I do what I do, when I know I am not even going to be made to feel the moment of happiness was worth it.

Sigh!

Will power. Where is this will power. It only comes to me when I need to get away/run away. I can run away any day I want to from whoever without thinking I’ll lose someone, the moment I get hurt. That’s the only place I show some will power. Phewww…

Would have been nice if I showed some before reaching that point.

Ok now I am just blabbing.