Its not you, its me

I am sure you have heard this line above, like a million times especially if a guy is breaking up with you. 

I wonder how many times its true when I person says, nothing is wrong with you, I am the one who is messed up.

I think when people say that, they think they believe it, but the truth of the matter is, you were just not good enough. When people fall in love, or even like each other enough, there are ready to fight for it till there is absolutely no scope left. They do fight for it.

So girls, if a boy is letting you go, then its not him, it is you. I am not saying something is wrong with you, I am saying that he thinks something is wrong with you. And he will think that no matter how much you care or love. Because there is always one thing that he will find to complain about.

All I am saying or trying to say is dont let that happen to you. If someone does not want you, its not because something is wrong with you, its just because his wants are different. And then there is no point holding on to it, just let it go.

I am no lecturer or a philosopher, I just learn from looking around, and this is what I have learned. I have girl friends, whose boy friends would do anything to make them happy, and then I have those where the guy seems to just not care, and the end just seems closer every day.

Loving yourself is most important, cuz if you do that no one will ever hurt you, and you will always be loved by someone even more!!!!

Sleep woes!

I liked sleeping, I never loved it, since I was always a fan of getting those 8 hours so that I didnt look like a dying person the next day at work, or in class.

Things have changed, now I love sleep. That's pretty much all I think of, reason being I dont get much of it. Last night I got around 7 hours, and I feel like a winner. I feel like I have achieved something big, something worth bragging about.

There were days when I did all my work much before the deadline, slept well, did not stay up if I had work next morning, never experimented with the routine, and life my friend was never sleep derived.

Now, I stay up till 2, 3 or even 4, just because I feel like I can pull off work the next day on 4-5 hours of sleep. Then I walk in the next day, and being a college student and an intern, it is assumed that I party every night. Sigh!! Not their fault. I don't party, I actually don't do anything staying up that late except watch TV and or chat with the roomies, who btw are in classes and always stay up till late. But oh well, who will buy the explanation every day.

Basically I love sleep now, I close my eyes and immediately slumber envelopes me. It's like relaxation at its best, only the devil (alarm) does not like me relaxing that much.

I wonder for how long can I pull this off. All the sleepless nights, and tiring days, and then the brain which sometimes does not stop thinking. I just got to know though, that most of the people don't do 8 hours, so may be I am becoming normal. May be this is a good sign, and I will master the art of functioning without sleeping.

Awesomeness. No sleep means awesome sleep when you sleep. Ahhh.. ahhhh. ahhhh... I dont know why I thought of that. Random random.

So ya anyways, I am having sleeping woes, but I at least I am in love with sleep now. Actually I can fall asleep right now if you ask me to, all I have to do is close my eyes :D

Putting it the other way round

I think I showed off way too much in my last post.

So time to make one more list. List of people without whom I would clearly be hopeless. People who make up my life, and makes it what it is.

(I know... I know.. I give people all the credit in this world..sigh)

So some names are an obvious if you have read some posts before. I mean I talk about some of them all the freaking time.

So ya.. cheers to one more list.. (oh god.. I know if my friends read this.. they will give me the look..you know the one which says..you think too much)

Anyhoo.. (in no particular order)

• Ali
• Gauri
• Pooja
• Ankit
• Aditi
• Asia
• Marie
• Rob
• Varun
• Shaarang
• Abhinav
• Mansi
• Shreya
• Priyanka
• Garrett
• Dave
• Jessi
• Maciek

OMG! I hope I did not leave a name. That would be really sad.

So basically these people are the ones who matter a lot. I am clearly blessed. :D

Complexities

Every blog has a theme, and every blogger follows it very unintentionally. Every blog is like an insight into what the blogger is made off. The perceptions and outlook of the blogger come out very subtly, but very clearly through what is written by him or her.

And so I have a type too, the complex type, and my complexities are very much reflected in what I write. I write about things or matters (at least these days), which are utterly ridiculous to some people, while at the same time very engaging to others. I do a lot of analysis and a lot of soul searching, and I never even planned on doing that when I started writing.

These days, I am so tired that I should be barely able to think, but when I go to bed at night, my brain thinks. It's weird. While I am awake, all I want to do is sleep, and when I am trying to sleep, my brain makes up stuff, unreal stuff, stuff that seems so real, that I have to actually get up and be sure whether that happened or not.

I have not been this exhausted in very long, so I think my mind is taking its time to adjust to all this, hence the weird sleep cycle and implications.

I do not know why certain things that are happening to me are happening at all. I am the happiest person one day, and the saddest the next day. But overall, I am content with life, there are things that I want, but I think my needs are very much in check.

Tia from Clever Girl Goes Blog says,

"I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I don't pretend to understand life completely, but sometimes it's easier to take comfort in the fact that there are things that are out of your control."

And I can't help but agree to her. You don't have to be in control all the time, and since I have been pretty much in control all the time, not letting things get to me enough to make me question them, this time I should just accept that God has a plan for me, and sometimes it takes much longer for one to understand it.

That was a vague thing to put in, I know. I put it there because I think my tiredness and unsleepiness (I know that's not even a word) is accentuated with my complexities and the uncertainties.

I think my complexities hurt people sometime, especially my close friends. Not that I hurt them directly, but what I say makes them think, and then hurts them. I do not wish to do that, I never wanted to do that, and I don't know how I managed to that. But I want that to change.

I don't know how many of who read my blog, even like it. I wonder whether what I write makes them think too. If it does, then that is not my intention, and I apologize for all the drama that I induce, if any.

I plan to uncomplexify things. Not intentionally, but unintentionally. So hopefully that should happen.

Trying to find meaning in everything

There are times when every song you listen, every story that you hear, every movie scene that you see and so many other things make you think and make you relate. You want to find a meaning to them, and they are no more just a source of entertainment.

One wise person once told me that finding meaning to everything is pointless. Sometimes somethings are said and done and showed to you just to entertain your senses, for a split second (may be more than that), to insinuate emotions... both sad and happy.

Apart from movies or TV shows or even songs, there are other things you should probably never find meanings in. Things that people say to you when you are vulnerable and they know that damn well that you are. I don't think people ever really change in general unless of course something drastic happens, and expecting them to change is asking for too much, so believe in what you know, and not in what you figure out when you are vulnerable.

I know it's hard to follow things sometimes, and not find meanings to everything and maintain your rationale, but its important to know that the world around is based on rules, rules that ask you to protect yourself, rules that tell you that even the bestest of your friends can be selfish, and would think about themselves first, rules that tell you to follow those rules.

And then there are things you can't attach meanings to, and you look for them. You look for them everywhere, you toss and turn at nights to figure things out, you try and match everything for it to make sense, but in the end it never makes sense. Moral of the story.. some things are meaningless. They are said and done for the moment. They are fillers for empty conversations or blank spaces between certain sentences. They are just MEANINGLESS!

I wont blame the reader for not getting what I just wrote. I probably dont get it myself. I do, but in a way I dont. I swear if you dont know me, and you read this blog, you are probably convinced that all I do is deep think. That is actually not true. Just thought I'll throw that in here. :D

Ignorance my friend is truly BLISS

I am one of those people who always want to know. Like always. I want to know where everyone in the house is, I want to know what my friends are doing so that I can jump on their free time, I want to know about their love life and other things and so on and so forth.

That is normal I guess, but for a change I think I do not want to know. I mean not about what they are doing and all, but in general I feel like not knowing sometimes is awesome. I am like a walking talking calendar for people. My roomies usually just come to me and ask where the others are, because they know I'll know. In other words, I know too much. Always, about everyone. I am not saying I am this person who people confide in, I am not, I can be an awfully self centered piece of a being, but I just like to know.

Some people like Pooja of course (my critic for every thing, the only person who can boss me around without actually pissing me off) tell me how I know too much. So once I decided not to know, and my curiosity levels rose like crazy, and I started thinking and thinking and thinking and then there was silence, peace, and no desire to know. It's like withdrawing from drugs. Its an addiction. Addiction to know. And even though its not life taking, its definitely life defining. I wish I wanted to know so much about Physics concepts, or art, or sociological theories, there would have been some rewards, but no I decide to stick to knowing about my friends.

I wonder what god was thinking while creating me. Yes its good to know, but no .. information overload is never ever good. What's the point in dissecting everything, in analyzing everything, in knowing everything. May be not knowing sometimes, being ignorant is a blessing. May be its saving yourself some energy, and giving you the opportunity to spend time on things that actually matter.

It's amazing how I spend so much time actually writing about what I want to change about myself. How the hell did I manage to gain so much imperfection. I was not always like that, but this whole self searching is happening way too much. That's why spring is awesome, it just keeps me in a good mood, even if I have reasons (pointless sometimes) to die inside.

On a different note, I start work on Monday. So basically six months of no school work, and a lot of free weekends. I have done it before and I know how the first 3 months fly by, and then the next 3 seem like a drag, but still I am looking forward to it. Change is good, change is motivating :).

And now I have to get back to studying, I have final due soon and instead I am spending time on my blog. I think I now have an addiction to writing too. Not that it's bad, but says something about my addiction issues (the knowing addiction). Technology sucks I swear, youtubing, blogging, iming does not let me study!!!

Letting go!

This is for all my friends who have sat through my emotional bullshit, and made faces (not that it ever stopped me), and asked me to just let it go.

Dear friends, the good news is, I just let go. No more do I want to know anything, or ask anything, or question anything. There is no want whatsoever. I kinda just wanna get done with finals right now.Sigh!

So yes Pooja, Ankit, Ali and George. I have spared you people for now, till I find a new thing to fuss over (hopefully shouldnt happen soon, I am kinda over all the drama).

On a side note, I feel homeless right now. Oh that feeling has creeped in again. Sigh!
Currently I am sitting outside at 3 am..lol. Actually that's the weather.

The point being I have let go!!!

And now I have to manage to get to an 8 am final without dying. I generally do not pull off all nighters so I have no idea why am I doing this. The problem is going to bed before 3 am seems like weird, and after doing that waking up at 7 am seems impossible, so I decided to bridge that gap and just not sleep.

I have nothing to end this one. I just need coffee!