So apparently I can not be a bitch to people even if I know I should be. I mean seriously, how stupid can I be.
Well I think I care about the other people around and I do not want to make it awkward for them, so I smile and laugh and just chill. After all those other people do matter.. sigh!!
Keeping appearances. How often we have to do that. It is kinda sad.
I know though I have not forgotten, so until I do, lets just smile :)
It is not. It is not even close to being over.
Somethings take very very very long to get over. For some time you may feel that its over, but it is not truly over till you see it and you dont seem to care.
Pretence is a wonderful aspect of human nature. You can act and behave the way you want to so that it does not see that you are still captivated in the realms of that unwanted place, but the truth is you know its not over, and you dont even know when will it be over.
You get used to it. You play along. You dont even complain because it becomes a part of your everyday. Somedays it seems like its over, but then again its not. It wont be over till it has to be.
So I know its not over yet. I want it to be over more than ever before. I want to know how does it feel when its over.
I really like what Beyonce says. It is so true.
I wish I were a boy sometimes, then may be I would try and love a girl as much as a girl can love a man?
May be then I would always pick up her phone instead of disconnecting it? Just tell her I am busy instead of ignoring her.
But as she says…
But you are just a boy, you dont understand
You dont listen to her, you dont care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted, cuz you had taken her for granted, and everything you have got destroyed……
It is indeed different. very very different.
The first thing you will see as soon as you step out of that small airport is cactus. Cactus here, cactus there, here, there, everywhere.
And then when you look around outside your cab window, you will wonder how on this planet did you not imagine a place like this.
(May be this is a little exaggeration)
It is hot here, super hot. I am lucky to be here during fall and my nights are nice. The city is spaced out. The only place to go really is the university area where there are a couple of good restaurants and bars. Hotels are amazing, and huge. JW Marriot is Tuscon is stretched along a mile or may be 2? Beer is darn cheap, food is delicious and over all it is nothing like Philly.
Everyone who is here with me attending Grace Hopper 2009 says it is different and nice, but I can’t stay here. That is true. The place has hardly any public transportation and no grass, no trees. I am not a fan of nature (I think I have made that clear), but living in a desert is not what I want either.
(Such a confused soul… sigh)
I expect too much. I should not beyond a certain point.
It makes my friends awkward. It makes everything weird. I don’t understand where everything is going, I can’t tell myself not to, it’s my fault.
Deep inside I know I should change it. I just dont know how.
May be I need to give them space. I need to get away from them, so that they dont have to chose. So that they are not awkward.
No matter what I say, what I do, I cant seem to come a notch or two down.
I see people happier when they live in the moment
I think thats the key
It is a slow process.
It does not happen with trying to find happiness here and there in temporary things.
It happens with time.
Time is a huge factor.
For me, it is the only factor.
I can pretend to be happy. I do a good job.
But I wonder how much more time?
I was dreading fall as you would know, if you ever would read this, and now I know I was right. Since the beginning of this term, I have not felt as much at ease as I did all summer. Summer felt like everything fell into place. Like everything was working. Like there was nothing wrong in this world. But fall, ummmmm… not so much!
Everything is so overwhelming. School work. People. Life. Everything.
(On top of everything I am an insomniac)
I blame this on my sun sign. Cancer. We are over emotional people who if and when get hurt (I mean truly hurt, not the you stole from me hurt) never really get over it that easy. Only if I was born some days earlier or some days later, my sun sign would have been stronger.. sigh!
(But may be I am just PMSing. I do that often.)
While writing this and listening to this random song I just realized the one I loved doesn’t exist anymore. Someone else exists. So technically the one I loved is not alive, because now he is not what I fell for.
(OMG!! it makes sense now)
ok its 4 am and I am just ranting!
So good night!
