When someone says, “I love you”

The irony of the world is when you really really really want someone to be in love with you it does not happen. And when you really don’t want someone to be in love with you, it happens.

Girls like me (yes like me) want to be loved when in a relationship. We do not do, “oh this is just casual” stuff. (Sucks). So obviously we have been through the times when it has hurt like anything when that does not happen and the boy in question believes in, “oh this is just casual” stuff.

So when someone says, “I love you” and we dont feel the same, we feel guilty. Real guilty. Because we know how much it hurts. And we wish we could be in love with that person, but obviously that does not happen.

Why can’t things just be simpler?? May be we should just give it a shot and date them and see how it goes. But then again, girls like me wont get out of it because

1. we dont cheat (i mean most of us dont)
2. we feel way too guilty
3. we’ll make it work and be there

but we will not be in love with the guy. That’s unfair to him too.

but again, may be we should go for it, cuz as they all say, “Be with someone who loves you, not someone who you love.”

(My brain works over time. Especially after midnight.)

Just run!

So you have tried everything to fix your head. You have tried telling yourself that nothing can bother you, no matter what is done, what is said. You see it and pretend to be fine. You seem it not giving a rat’s ass and you still pretend to be fine, because that is how it is suppose to be, and you do that everyday, every damn day

And then one day you know it is not working…….

That’s when you know this whole thing about people saying.. “face it” is absolute BS. Facing something which is unfixable is way worse than running away. Then you know you should have run away long back. Just disappeared. Just left.

So just run away, run as far as you can till you never see it no matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you look back, no matter how long it has been, just RUN!

(Honestly, this is not some self pity, sad stuff, it just works :) )

Lets smile

So apparently I can not be a bitch to people even if I know I should be. I mean seriously, how stupid can I be.

Well I think I care about the other people around and I do not want to make it awkward for them, so I smile and laugh and just chill. After all those other people do matter.. sigh!!

Keeping appearances. How often we have to do that. It is kinda sad.

I know though I have not forgotten, so until I do, lets just smile :)

Just when you think its over …..

It is not. It is not even close to being over.

Somethings take very very very long to get over. For some time you may feel that its over, but it is not truly over till you see it and you dont seem to care.

Pretence is a wonderful aspect of human nature. You can act and behave the way you want to so that it does not see that you are still captivated in the realms of that unwanted place, but the truth is you know its not over, and you dont even know when will it be over.

You get used to it. You play along. You dont even complain because it becomes a part of your everyday. Somedays it seems like its over, but then again its not. It wont be over till it has to be.

So I know its not over yet. I want it to be over more than ever before. I want to know how does it feel when its over.

If I were a boy

I really like what Beyonce says. It is so true.

I wish I were a boy sometimes, then may be I would try and love a girl as much as a girl can love a man?

May be then I would always pick up her phone instead of disconnecting it? Just tell her I am busy instead of ignoring her.

But as she says…

But you are just a boy, you dont understand

You dont listen to her, you dont care how it hurts

Until you lose the one you wanted, cuz you had taken her for granted, and everything you have got destroyed……

Tuscon, Arizona

It is indeed different. very very different.

The first thing you will see as soon as you step out of that small airport is cactus. Cactus here, cactus there, here, there, everywhere.

And then when you look around outside your cab window, you will wonder how on this planet did you not imagine a place like this.

(May be this is a little exaggeration)

It is hot here, super hot. I am lucky to be here during fall and my nights are nice. The city is spaced out. The only place to go really is the university area where there are a couple of good restaurants and bars. Hotels are amazing, and huge. JW Marriot is Tuscon is stretched along a mile or may be 2? Beer is darn cheap, food is delicious and over all it is nothing like Philly.

Everyone who is here with me attending Grace Hopper 2009 says it is different and nice, but I can’t stay here. That is true. The place has hardly any public transportation and no grass, no trees. I am not a fan of nature (I think I have made that clear), but living in a desert is not what I want either.

(Such a confused soul… sigh)

Expectations

I expect too much. I should not beyond a certain point.

It makes my friends awkward. It makes everything weird. I don’t understand where everything is going, I can’t tell myself not to, it’s my fault.

Deep inside I know I should change it. I just dont know how.

May be I need to give them space. I need to get away from them, so that they dont have to chose. So that they are not awkward.

No matter what I say, what I do, I cant seem to come a notch or two down.

I see people happier when they live in the moment

I think thats the key