Your own judgment or what people say??

When you meet people or make new friends you create your own understanding of them. You have no prior knowledge of them, and more often than not you start at a neutral ground working onwards with the first impression.

If the first time you met and that person made you smile, you seemed to get along, the prospect of hanging out with them or being friends with them seems refreshing, worthwhile and welcoming. On the other hand, if they rubbed you the wrong way the first time, there is a high possibility there wont be a next time unless of course there is no choice.

And then there is a third case. A case where you have your impression of the person that you created after meeting them a couple of times or even over a month or so, and then you get to know certain things about that person from people who have known them since years.

In a perfect world, you will stick by what you think of that person and try and make an image of them based on your interaction, but this world is not so perfect after all.. is it??

When I was younger, grade 9 may be, I had a group of friends. In comes a new guy, who hated me for his own reasons (it was mutual), he said somethings to all my so called friends in that group, and each and everyone of them stopped talking to me. 6 people. All gone in a jiffy for something I did not even know I did, and they in fact knew me longer than this new boy did.

(Just to make it clear they all did come around after some years, only then I was over the whole friends thing with them… just making clear.. nothing else)

I learned from that experience. I learned to not judge people based on hear say. But sometimes its hard to follow it. If you make new friends who have their old friends who are your friends too and these old friends have an opinion or facts or rumors about the new friends. What will you do? Put your guard up? Continue to learn them on your own? Believe what the old ones have to say? Seriously what will you do??

This question bothers me a lot. Because sometimes judging by what others say becomes really important….

So your own judgment or what people say?

Think hard… its really about those people

When I look around I see happy faces, sad faces, faces with questions, and some with anticipation. I look around and I try to make sense of everything that happens everyday. People lie, people stand up for you, people leave, its people around you that shape your lives.

As we grow up we are asked to be ambitious, independent, wise and honest. In the midst of everything we see around us we manipulate our beliefs. We make our own right and our own wrong. We create a journey of our own where we learn from people. We learn that honesty is not what they always want, we learn that they may be independent, but their feelings are not.

There are some people you chose to be with. They define your happiness and your sadness. They influence you in ways you did not even know existed. They create your paths, and sometimes alter them. Some people say that they do not need anyone, they make and break relationships easily, but they are just lying.  Even if they don’t know that.

You hide things, because you do not want to lose those people. Some day if it comes out, you lose them, and sometimes you pretend. Everything you do is because of the people you chose.

If I tell you my story word to word and you knew all my history, will you go along with me. May be not, so may be I should hide some stuff, and just move along.

That's the line you work on. Because you know you hide, to be with those people.

So everyone who thinks its about themselves. Think again. It is in your mind, but in the end its about the people. They make you grow up, and learn so much more than you ever imagined.

And I hate that I love you so

I am an emotional person (that has been established by now). I don’t like to keep grudges, at least not make things awkward and weird. I can be happy with just being cordial.

All that has nothing to do with the way I feel inside. Honestly, I don’t even know how I feel, or what I feel sometimes. But I know for a fact that it takes a lot and lot of effort from my side to get into a relationship with someone. I know I just can’t unless I am crazy about the person and can’t think rationally.

At this moment, right now, at present I know I am not crazy about anyone. I am still where I was sometime ago, only I dont expect anything in return, I don’t want to fix anything, I am just happy being away from all the drama that was deeply fostered in my life. I like it like this.

But but and one more but…. I know I am not over a lot of things. I dont think I will be anytime soon. You know how they say, “there is this one time you will that craze and love, and then you may not feel it ever again,” and that’s the case for me. At least right now. I don’t know if its love, or just the loss. But I feel like that. And if its love then I swear I hate that I love you so….

This song right here, is what my life was… and this is what it will not be… or this is what I wont feel for a long long time to come…

May be its just love I am unlucky in

Do you believe in luck? Do you believe in God? Do you believe that sometimes if you don’t get something you really wanted, it was for a greater good?

I believe in all that. And I also believe that more often than not God’s on my side. He looks after me, and he makes things happen. I worry too much. And then one day, things just fall into place, and I don't even know how….

Yes I have been extremely unlucky with love but then may be its not time for love yet? May be I should fix other things in my life first, and then may be one day some day love will come along.

I am told in some way or other that I need to prioritize, and right now, at this very point in my life LOVE is not as important. So many things I have to do…

• Find a job
• Find a job in a city where I can live
• Think about what if I dont find a job
• Focus on school and things associated with school
• Buy that dream house, or at least a house back in Delhi
• Budget up some stuff

(I can probably think of more stuff, but obviously I am too sleepy to think in the middle of the day.)

So since I am just 22, I can probably say, “no time for love..” and just be happy with that. It is not like its end of the world right now…. :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Fight for it

I think I have said this before in one of my earlier posts but I want to talk about it once more.

People are so self obsessed and worry about looking bad, that they let go of people they could have fought for. When you love someone whether a friend or a lover, then you have to fight for it especially when you see them slipping away because of any reason.

(And no fighting doesn't mean crying your eyes out and begging the other person, and losing all self respect)

People make mistakes, and the ones you love sometimes get lost. Then its your job to fight for them. It will hurt, it has to. You will see resistance and you will hear some things that you never wanted to hear, but then you love that person, so fight for it till you know you have done enough. You will know, trust me you will.

If that person goes away, then you will be hurt and feel like you have lost so much while fighting, but one thing you will achieve is peace. Peace from the fact that you know you did what you could, you stood there and waited as much as you could, you gave your everything, and you tried your best and there is nothing more you could have done.

Fight for your friend. Fight for your friendship, especially when you did something wrong. If you are truly guilty, and feel that you have to fix what you have done then fight for that friend. Fight till you can show that you are guilty, and never will do it again. Do what you can. Because fighting for something, and not just watch it go by makes you guilt free. It makes you powerful. It makes you value friendships and people in your life. It will never leave you alone.

So fight for your lover who is confused, fight for your friend who you hurt, fight for that love that you know will make you lead that happy life.

The Senior year Syndrome

The last year of college is always a roller coaster. People always have mixed views on it. Some say its the easiest, and some say its the hardest. For me its the latter, but obviously a lot of other factors come into play.

• I have to take a full load of classes every term to graduate with a Bachelors and a Masters.
• I have at least two meetings every week for some reason or the other
• I work almost 20 hours a week
• I like to socialize, I make it to movies and bars
• I have at least one event to plan or attend every which btw include weekends

And all these are apart from the regular mind boggling job hunting issues while recession that take place in senior year.

Basically I am very busy, and I love it.

(The problem is all this going to end soon.. less than 9 months.. that’s all I have, and then it’s over.)

Senior year does feel different. There is an anticipation. There is a fear. And most of all there are those promises of the future….

Confusion

Honestly, I am not in a position/situation/condition to like anybody. But at least that’s what I think. (It’s very true too)

I mean I still try to avoid/ignore somethings because they ummm… make me very uneasy.

But since some days now I get those happy feelings/urges/temptations to talk to someone. It is weird. I don't know what it is, because I just don't.

It’s not a craze, or butterflies or, “I see you and I smile” stuff but it is something…

(Something new ;))

Well, it might just be temporary. You know one of those 2 week thingies.

If its not.. then I think I truly am god’s favorite child.. (since he always finds a good way out for me)

So basically… for a change I am confused..lol.. fun stuff!