Silence is powerful

I come from a culture where women (mostly) remain silent. For centuries they are about following a man in their lives. As a child their father, as an adult, their husband and as a senior, their kids. Few have tried to fight the norm and voice their opinion and do extraordinary things, but even now, so many live under the shadows of a forced silence.

I am lucky to be born to parents who appreciate my sense of opinion. I was always the rebellious girl in the family, who never did what a girl should have done. I left when I wanted to, to be somewhere where my voice would be heard. Where I did not have to be silent. Where I could talk and express.

And now when I can talk all I want, raise my voice all I need, I understand how silence can be powerful. Sometimes, you are heard more when you don’t say anything instead of talking out all you want. Sometimes, you need to be silent to let people know that it’s your choice, and not an imposition. Silence makes you stronger, it makes you patient, it makes you powerful inside. It makes you less angry and gives you more time to know what you would want to say, if you had to say it.

Voicing one’s opinion is indeed very important, and when women do not get to do it, it is oppression. But the silence I am talking about has made women stronger as humans over centuries. It is said they are more emotional, but they are also emotionally stronger than men, and that is because they can remain silent and get stronger.

I am not a feminist and I am surrounded by women who never saw any differentiation based on their gender. But as I am growing up I see where I was, and where I have come being a women, without being silent, and knowing now how silence is powerful.

Looking at it from your eyes…not mine

I never believe what people say easily. I don’t take things on face value and a lot of times I evaluate what they say on the basis of my own perception about things.

Some days ago I was ranting to one of my guy friends (who is like my girl friend) and talking about how when I was told something, it upset me, because that was what I think was meant.

Before I go any further actually, I should talk about this guy friend who is like my girl friend. Most days he does not make sense. He is one of those guys who can define every situation in life in terms of sex. He never wants to talk about feelings or emotions especially with me, because he thinks I should be more worried about my career, family, money and other things. Most our conversations go like this:

Me: I am upset

He: Dude, don’t you have better things to worry about

Me: I miss so and so

He: Dude, really, let’s not do this right now

But some days ago I was at a weird low in front of him so he decided to listen to me. And this is how I conversation went…

Me: It was quite hurtful. I wish the fact that I am making same mistakes is not a consolation

Him: Answer this. Will someone else’s pain be a consolation to you?

Me: May be earlier. Not anymore.

Him: Is it necessary that person thinks the same way? May be it doesn’t even matter to that person what you are doing your life, leave alone that being a consolation. You are not doing as well according to you, but what if what you do is not a factor what so ever. Just because it was a factor in your life, you can’t see that person’s side from your eyes

Me: OMG! You make sense. In the past 6 months, this is the only thing you have said that makes sense.

Him: Well, I don’t do this often. Let’s watch something now.

So basically what I am trying to say is sometimes it is important to realize that just because there is a way you will react in a situation doesn’t mean someone else would do. I always assume the worst, and think that what was said was not entirely true, because people are polite (not me), and they say things which they really don’t believe in.

What I should do is believe that sometimes they do mean it, even if it’s hard to believe that they do. That will make you look at things from their eyes, even if it is a task to move past your own perception…

Phew….. I don’t even know if what I said made sense….

Giving the power

When you give someone a lot of attention, you give them a sense of power over you which makes them do things they never think are wrong, or making you feel bad in a way.

Taking someone who is always around for granted is so easy. You know you don’t want anything more than friendship, but your actions over power your sensibility, and you do or say things that are hurtful.

It is so easy to tell your friend who is always around that it’s not you, it’s me. But somewhere inside, you know that’s not true. How many times you say that and you don’t mean it. You believe you do, but as soon as someone else comes along, may be then you understand, it was never you, it was just because you couldn’t feel that way for the friend, as you do for this someone.

So may times you know some where inside you that you are hurting that friend, but the boost that the attention gives you disables your rationality. It becomes inevitable to say things which sound nice but have no meaning behind them. The power stays with the attention getter, and that is never good.

I myself have done that. Given the power without realizing with that, I am being taken for granted. The only difference now, I realize it sooner than way later.

The question in my head though is how do we end up giving someone so much power over us? If not a lot, then even enough to get ourselves hurt when the person clearly doesn’t want anything more than just you boosting their ego, being around for them, and just filling a temporary void in their lives.

We do it so often, yet we never know where to end the cycle…

4 am realizations

Sleeping at 4 am has become quite normal for me. I try to sleep earlier, but usually doesn’t work.

(Perks of college life, especially senior year last term)

So when I am up till 4 am and everything around me is quite and calm and Iam standing outside in my balcony with the sky black and the streets lonely, I am at my best with the thinking process.

Last night at 4 am (or this morning at 4 am), I stood outside so that I can get out of room and away from my computer screen and think with more clarity. The best way to know if I really want to be somewhere is by picturing myself in those situations and then seeing how they make me feel. And I did exactly that.

The first situation is something I have wanted since I can remember. Two years now. And when I pictured myself in it again, all I could say was, “I so don’t want that.” That made me feel extremely happy, because I was so used to living with the fact that I want it, and can’t have it, that now when I finally don’t want it, I can be more happy or content.

I trust my 4 am realizations quite a bit. I am the most vulnerable then. So feeling the way I felt about me ever existing situation was just euphoria. Pure euphoria.

The other one, and the more important one right now is my future in the States. I can’t wait to have a decision on my life here. See, where I go to after graduation. My fate right now is in the hands of the  American government, and last night I realized more than ever how much I want stay here and work and make a life. Till of course, I think otherwise or want otherwise. Wants change, so I don’t know what I’d want 3 years later, but right now, I need to be here. Make some money. Accomplish some dreams.

Love my 4 am realizations…

The KKR promise

I was just notified that Shahrukh made an extremely forward statement concerning KKR. He said if they win he would dance naked in the DY Patil Stadium. The article was posted on my facebook wall, because obviously people always want to tell me about these things related to Shahrukh.

(I like how I do not need to hunt for news when it comes to him, my love for him is so evident, that people pass on the information on their own)

Anyhoo…

Even though I am a die hard KKR fan, I would like to be realistic. There are not many chances of them qualifying to the semi-final, leave alone to the final and winning it.

Even though, nothing would make my last term at Drexel better, than watching them win the third season of IPL. That would make me more happy than most things in my life right now.

So since so much of my happiness comes from them winning, I would like to make a statement as well. And make it publicly, so that there is no way I can back off from it. And I mean no way. This post will be the testimony.

If KKR wins the third season of IPL, I will take out all my close friends and pay for the entire drinks menu. Drink as much, it will all be on me. Completely, totally, and till the last penny, on me.

So if you are in Philly, and KKR wins, you pretty much just need to find me, and there comes your treat.

(Trust me, this is an awesome deal, so all you guys better pray for KKR to win)

Now that I have said that. I hope this becomes an incentive for someone somewhere to look forward to them winning.

Also, all the KKR haters should know how to be a fan, and learn to support their own team rather than hating mine.

(Just saying.)

Trying to tell a story

It’s hard to tell a story. It is even harder to tell it with utmost honesty. And it’s the hardest to do justice to all the characters while doing it.

There are people who like to tell stories like your parents and grandparents when you are going to bed. There are people who will just give you the ending and tell you what happened. And then there are the writers, who pave the picture of the scene so nicely, that you can imagine being there and watching the story go on.

I wish I was a writer. I wish I could do that. Because I have so many stories to tell, but I don’t know how. I don’t think I can do justice to the mood that is captured in every scene. I can’t bring the emotions that make the story so special and captivating. I can’t make the reader feel lost… even though the story is very clear in my head.

Everyone has a story of their own. I do too. I want to write my last 5 years down and keep all the moments safe somewhere on paper, not just in my memory. I want to go back and read them when I want to, so that when I am old and not very good with long term memory, I can re-live them.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a story. My story begins with a girl who came to a foreign land with hopes and dreams of being the son, her Indian parents never had. 19th September 2005 was the day when she flew for the first time. Her parents drove her to the airport and her mom tried to control her tears on the way. Her dad was hoping she would be fine, because this is not what he wanted for her. He wanted her to stay and go to the best school in India. But she was stubborn, and she wanted to go.

The airport was full with people saying good byes. Hugging each other. Exchanging last words. Her mom held her and did not cry because she knew she had to be strong. Her father just said, “take care.” Her sister was not sure what to do, she was going to be alone in her room now. She will miss the fights and the arguments.

The girl passed through the security check point and looked back. Her parents were still standing refusing to leave. They said they can’t leave till she boards. She could see her mother cry. She did not know when she would come back to see them. It was a one way ticket. A hard earned one way ticket.

She kept on walking towards her gate, and saw the image of her parents fading away. She knew they were still there. She knew her mother won’t leave till she can believe her daughter is gone. She would stand there and wish she could see her child again. Because then, she did not know how was it to not see her for months.

The daughter got busy with her friends. Waited to board the flight. But she knew some where, her mother was still outside. Waiting to see her again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was a story… I don’t think I did a good job., but I still tried to tell it :))

Wanting

Wanting is very delusional. There is no rhyme or reason behind it. You want something because it gives you a sense of happiness. You know you can do without it, and sometimes you even know that the happiness will be short-lived, you still want.

There are those few times when wants drive you towards a successful life but most times they just drive you to believe it’s a need since that’s all you start wishing for.

Shopaholics think that they need to own every dress they see, their wants make them so happy that nothing else matters.

Kleptomaniacs want to steal. It gives them a thrill when they are able to sneak away that pen that their boss owns. They want it so bad that their happiness depends on it.

And then there is the other kind. They want to be with someone without any reason because they think it will make them happy. They know they will be fine if they stop wanting it, but they don’t want to stop wanting it. They want it because at that moment, they know it will make them happy. They just want without any reason.

Wanting is very delusional. It makes you do things you would not do otherwise. It makes you look for chances, wish for quick answers, notice more and just want more.

The worst of all is when you know the quick fix is to just stop wanting. You know that it will not make any difference in your life or decrease your happiness. But you still want. The thrill of having it, just makes you want.