I can’t replace you

I wish I knew it was our last kiss. Years later I still wish it. Is that weird? Knowing that you could never find something to replace that feeling?

I see people around me who replace friends, lovers, relationships, almost everything all the time. They get sad and then they move on, and then they find something else to make them happy.

I feel like I am lucky in a way that I have had, and have such a strong relationship with two people in my life that I know for a fact I can never replace it. Never.

One is my best friend. The girl who knows me in and out. The person who can read my thoughts. Who can look at a boy and tell me if he’ll make me happy. Question my choices openly. Fight with me like it will never get resolved. Stand by me when needed. Yell at me when I am being stupid. Never say anything nice to me, but still manage to prove she loves me. She is leaving. She is moving to India. Halfway across the globe.

I know we’ll talk. But I don’t know how to go through my life here without her. I don’t. No matter how much I fight with her, at the end of the day I want to tell her about everything that happens, even if that means listening to one more lecture. She knows her moving away will make me sad, very sad, and she knows how to deal with that too. I know I’ll be fine when she is gone, but I know I will never find a friend here who can be her for me.

It’s hard to imagine a life where I can’t just go to the next room and start talking, or get woken up because she is bored. College has been what it has because she was always there. Even when we fought for weeks. Saying I will miss her, is an understatement. I can’t replace her. I don’t even want to.

And the only person who exactly knows how I feel is the man I can’t replace in my life even though it’s been so long since we were friends. He knows I can’t replace her, because he knew me as well too. He would never say, “You’ll be fine if she’s going,” he’d just say, “Are you ok?” Because he knows it all. But he isn’t there anymore, and even when I tried replacing him, I couldn’t.

The two people I can’t replace, are the two people I will hardly ever see, or may be never see.

So I am lucky to have strong relationships. But may be sometimes I wish I could just not care.

Mumbai Indians, the team who made all the mistakes in the FINAL

Mumbai Indians is the team that has shone since their first match in IPL3. They made no mistakes in their games, or if any, they were hardly big enough to cause them a game.

Players like Pollard and Tiwari came in the middle order and batted like there was no tomorrow when the upper order could not do much to bump the run rate. Sachin, the master of the game, proved to every critic, that age is not stopping him, he played an unforgettable inning in almost every match retaining the orange cap till the final.

Players like Rayudu came from no where and performed whenever needed. The team that was labeled to be a one man’s show, proved everyone wrong till Rayudu, Tiwari and Pollard shone with the bat and played innings that were not backed by Sachin at times.

Mumbai Inidans never lost their number one spot on the table. With 10 wins out of 14 and a NRR of +1.084, they were the favorites. The second best team was Deccan, with 8 wins and the rest four with seven wins each. It was suppose to be Mumbai’s cup all along. The consistency should have spoken. They should have proved that that’s all that matters.

But on the day of the final, everything went wrong. From dropped catches, to misfields, to losing wickets. Nothing worked. All blunders, all mistakes, happened right on the day which mattered the most. How do you drop Raina twice, then make him get a 50 in 24 balls? How do you give 100 runs in the last 8 overs?

How can none of the batsmen support the injured Sachin Tendulkar who still hits 48 off 45 (his slowest in IPL3)? How can you misfield and let the ball go off the boundary? How do you not know how to run between the wickets when you are already 6 down? How do you do all that after those amazing 10 wins and surpassing every team by leaps and bounds.

Sachin just has been unlucky. Whether he is part of the Indian team or the Mumbai Indians, the dream of the cup just never comes true. The master is never paid his dues. I did want Chennai to win. For Dhoni, for his amazing captaincy, and for Chennai’s consistency over the past 3 IPLs which included making it to the semi final every time and the final twice. But Sachin Tendulkar’s sad face just made it all sour, Chennai’s victory not as enchanting, the man has done more than anyone has, and his time needed to do it for him.

So Mumbai Indians had an amazing IPL 2010, but they couldn’t do what they did for 6 weeks, play like champions, right when it was most needed.

Memories are weird

Today is Spring Jam in college. Most college students go to it, love it, enjoy like crazy.

I on the other hand do not even want to check it out. It is weird how I am so good at erasing bad memories, yet I can’t forget my last year’s spring jam. I never even tried to think about it before, and was actually planning to attend it this time without having any recollection about last year’s. But today suddenly, without any intentions, the memories came rushing back down to almost every moment of this night last year.

I am taking a cognitive psychology class where we are taught how memory is a strange thing. Sometimes it just keeps those things which we would never like to remember, and not those which we never want to forget.

I realize that right now how strange it is indeed. I remember the bad one so distinctively that I can not go to the same place, even though I know it’s going to be nothing like last year. I feel I just need to skip this day and go to tomorrow. Sleep through it. Not realize what’s going on. I know if I go there, I’ll recollect even more of what scares me. Those memories.

My friend just told me, “You are being stupid, how does it even matter what happened last year.” And she is probably right. But how do I tell my brain to stop being scared?

Memories. I wish I could erase some.

I said it too soon

Last night I was talking about how I am not thinking much these days. May be I just jinxed myself, because right now I am thinking, if not a lot, then definitely enough to make me wish I wasn’t.

College has given me intertwined relationships. I have groups of friends, who would never be friends if I was not there to link them. Those separate groups share nothing in common but me and that’s what sometimes makes them more comfortable in being friends with each other. Most times I don’t care or mind it. I like getting those groups together and just hanging, but lately I have realized i should have been more careful with some of them.

I regret one situation the most which I wish I would have prevented before. Things turned out to be not at all like I wanted, or even I would have been comfortable with. Now, I don’t even have a right to change anything or question anything. I am just this outsider who is connected to one without wanting, and to the other because that person didn’t even do anything for me to not be friends.

This situation sucks at so many levels with the worst part being I have no say in it. Not anymore. It has existed for the past year now, but I just realized it’s impact some more few minutes back.

Sigh!

I so said it too soon.

B.L.O.G

I write more when I think a lot so it can be clearly deduced  that I have not been thinking much lately. Which should be a good thing. Does not happen very often.

But…. I love to blog. It is my thing. I do it because it makes me feel better and triumphant in some ways. One year and seven months of non stop blogging is my achievement. It has nothing to do with work or school, I do it because I enjoy it, and that makes me feel GOOD.

So if I have a thoughtless, non-restless, undisturbed life, my blogging frequency keeps on going down, and may be eventually will not exist.  And that my friends, is my worst fear (ok not worst, but almost there).

How many times have I ranted and cried and been depressed right here on this blog. Sometimes even when nothing happened, and sometimes when my world came crashing down. I feel like if I leave it, I’ll be betraying it. It has given me a weird sense of power with expression. I just say whatever here and instantly feel better. I know sometimes the interpretation of what I say is left open to imagination, but the end result is always me feeling calmer. And that’s what makes this blog a place which is important to me, and can not be betrayed.

Right now I have nothing, at least not much on my mind. I am trying to live through my last term in senior year without stress and just fun. But I am still blogging. Trying to say something, talk, make sense, because I need to come back and say something so that if there is someone who likes to read this, even one person, knows I am not leaving it.

Not now. Not soon. Hopefully, very hopefully, NEVER!

Should I be more sure?

I am graduating senior. I have spent five years in college, I feel old but not enough to be ready to settle down. I don’t know when I want to get married, I don’t even know who to marry, the thought scares me.

And then are those people from my past who know so much more. That childhood sweet heart is engaged, the guy who was my best friend in high school is getting married in December and the only guy I was in love with, is almost there.

I am not ready. I don’t even know if I can fall in love anytime soon. And all these people have their forever right in front of them. It’s so bizarre. I wonder should I be more sure??????

I don’t feel the need to be more sure.. but the ones from my past are very sure. It’s like I make them more sure of life, after me, they find the right one.

SUCKS!!

Sigh!

ok enough rant.

 

If you are miserable then I am happy…….not anymore

When someone is left heartbroken, they get sadistic pleasure in the heart breaker’s misery. Every award the heart breaker wins, a successful relationship that they get into, an accomplishment, all those things make you feel, “how can they be so happy and you are so sad.”

I believe you don’t fall in love often. You can have ten relationships, but there is a high chance you were in love once or even never. It’s easy to believe that you are in love, but that one time when you truly are, you’ll know nothing compares to it. You’ll know you will never feel that way again (or anytime soon), and you have never felt that way ever.

So when you are left heart broken after that only time you were in love, the sadistic pleasure you get does not last long. After a while your anger goes down, and you see them happy, you are happy for them. You know why they do what they do, you then can reason things more, and wish they get the one they love.

I am not trying to sound all unconditional, I just feel that’s how it is every time you really fall in love. Once you are out of that misery, once you know it doesn’t matter if you ever feel the same, you wish they get that love. You try to believe in the good in them. You stay away but somewhere in your heart you know you’ll never feel that way.

After all that there are those moments which still take you back to certain moments where it all ended  and hurt you a bit. You see them and you see a place where you wanted to be standing along side, but then again it is NEVER going to happen because there is just NO LOVE anymore. The one time, the only time, is gone….

Right about now.. James Blunt makes some sense to me…