Abstinence

Whoa.. I went entire June without writing anything whatsoever.

Well I am busy...but then again who isn't.

I have thoughts, I do. But I don't know if I do justice to my blog anymore. Mostly it's just spending so many hours on the plane and sometimes genuinely wondering, "Where am I?"

By no means I have been in this profession for long enough to feel nomadic, but even then, sometimes I wake up (after sleeping for 4 hours) and I don't know where am I...

Mostly I get confused with the time zones, because even my phone doesn't do a good job in adjusting to time zones any more. East? Pacific? Central? No where? Who knows. It's just a non-stop fight with time.

Yesterday, I worked 15 hours straight. By the time I hit the bed, I didn't even know if I will wake up in the morning. The effort involved seemed tremendous in waking up, but I did. And now I am writing this because I need to look at something else other than all those work documents.

Anyhoo...

Apparently my emotions, my love life, my friends, my family, all of those things aren't very obvious through my blog any more. That's what I was notified at least. 

Oh well... I guess work is all I can talk about. Work is all I prioritize. And honestly, most days, work is all I have to keep me away from all the effed up stuff that I don't want to deal with.. SIGH!

How random can I be?

Anyhoo...

I wish I could change life a little. Just a tad bit you know. Just enough to be able to do few things without wondering too much.

And for all those you are still reading... I really wonder why?

LIFE

It's been almost 6 years since I moved to the States, and boy have I learned about life.

When you are 18, you think you will never change. You don't even know what's in front of you and how as you grow up life will happen, and you will feel/think differently. Then one day, you realize, nothing is constant, if there is something constant, it's the change, which creeps in so slowly sometimes that you feel like your entire life just became someone else's.

And then one more day you are 24, thinking what's the point of living so far away from your family, who by the way, are the only people in this world, who will give a rat's ass about you.

And while you think all that you know there is nothing you can change on your own, because life my friend kicks some butt and works in it's own way. You can plan however much you want, but life takes your calendar from underneath your feet and you just keep on wondering what the hell happened. Life, wins all the time.

And then one day, when may be you are 30, you'll look back and laugh at why were you so chaotic at 24, because after all, you did make it to 30 fine, and life got you there.

It's been a while, truly been some while.

I can give the perfect, life is crazy excuse and trust me it is sort of legit too, but I think apart from that it's also I don't know if everything that goes on in my head is something that I can pen down.

I know I have spoken about quarter life crisis, but since I am living it to the best of my abilities right now, there is much more to talk about when it comes to explaining how it defines me.

I am almost 24 years old (well almost, one more month), and I sometimes I feel so lost and and so burdened that I don't even remember being young(er) or carefree. I don't run from responsibilities, I love being responsible, I always have. It gives me a sense of being wanted, needed and important (selfish, I know) but right now I think I just want to be stupid, dumb and not care about anything.

I want to run to Rome for a year without worrying about how will I pay my bills. I want to take three days off from work randomly without worrying about how will the things I left behind at work will get finished. I want to go join some dance classes and become a pro at that without worrying about how the hell will I fit that in my schedule.

Then again, all these wants are coming from this temparary chaos that so called life is right now. There is no stability or sense of belonging. All there is, a void, which has been created with all the transitioning from college to work and growing up while leaving friendships behind in some way or the other...

(Yes I know, as usual I am just blabbing, but that's what I do)

I have a plan, but then again I have no strategy to execute it. I hate being 24 because of all the expectations that come from my extended family about getting married and settling down. I want to be 30 and still feel like 21, I want to be in love may be, but I don't want a husband, I want to be a Partner but I don't want to be a crazy workaholic.

(See how I just contradicted myself in one blog, yeah that's how messed up I am in my head)

Anyways..I want, and I want to live without missing any of anything.

On another note, I think I should definitely blog more. This is such an insult to my old habit of ranting. I think that always made me feel better. Hopefully, this time, I wont disappear for months.

And whoever is reading this...thanks for reading along. At least someone is listening/reading.

Overall, very randomly, just stressing on the fact that I love Shahrukh. I just do. (Super Random, I know)

P.S: I am in India right now, leaving to go back to Philly in less that 12 hours and some how I am not excited to go back to Philly. Sigh. Life I tell you.

Being on the road

I have always listened to rock stars, movie stars, sports people and some others, saying how being on the road becomes a habit, and almost a need.


I think I relate to that. Very much so.


I have not been in the consulting business for long enough but there were few weeks when I stayed at home and didn't have to travel. Those weeks were the hardest.


It amazes me how I am way more productive when I am dealing with flight delays, airport mishaps, less sleep and living out of a suitcase. I don't understand it, but I know I need it. I need to be in different cities, live in hotels, fly whenever and wherever for the weekend, come home every other weekend and stuff like that. If I don't do that, I start craving it.


The craving is from the sense of independence that comes from being on the road. It's a thrill. It's a power to be able to do so much more than you would if you were home all the time. And the appreciation you have for home, when you are on the road is much more than what it is when you are not. I miss Philly if I am away for 2 weeks, but I come to loathing it when I am there for 2 weeks. It's strange, but it's true.


I was never the lone traveler kinds, but now I am. I like to go places, see/meet new people, explore, dine, drink and do all those things. 


I don't know how long can I do this till. Probably till the time I don't have anyone to come back home to, which I hope is not for a long long while, but I hope to do it for as long as my body allows me to.


Phew!!


I am having all these realizations thanks to being away for 2 weeks and actually missing Philly. God bless US Airways and Delta for taking me places and getting me home.


P.S: Boston, Santa Monica and New York are way up there. just Saying

Letter to Dhoni

Dear Dhoni,

I am not sure if you are aware, but I as one of the billion Indians, would like you to know that we love and respect you. Now that being said, I know we just won against Australia, kicking them out of a world cup even before reaching the final after almost 15 years, but there are some things we should talk about…

First and foremost, what is up with your batting. I know you are in a pressure situation leading a team which is always surrounded by way too many expectations, but dude, c’mon, you know you are way more than just gifting the ball to fielder to get out kinda guy. Don’t you?

Secondly, I do understand that Indian players have never been the greatest of fielders, I mean everyone knows that, but I don’t understand the point of repeatedly making public statements saying, “We gotta do with what we’ve got, our fielding is not going to get any better,” “This is the best fielding we can come with, it’s not going to get better,” and so on and so forth. I get it.  I get that we probably won’t get better, but why can’t we try? If we can succeed in being a no.1 team, why can’t we be better at fielding, or at least try?

Lastly, I am sure you know that this is Sachin’s (the God of cricket) last world cup. Let’s face it, there is a very small possibility that he will play at 42 in 2015. So why don’t you fix this little bit of attitude that you have (which reminds me you have started sounding like Ponting, the way he did right before his downfall) and just focus on the team and the game.

And of course, I am just a fan, sitting and watching the game from thousands of miles away, without knowing what/how you guys strategize, but you all matter collectively to me. And as much as I have to agree that you know way better, I have to say what I feel is right. And since I am saying this after you have won the most epic game, it means that I mean it, because unlike most other people I am not getting over shadowed by the victory and losing the sight of what is important, the world cup.

So if you ever get a chance to read this, think about it. Think about where you are, and how can you be great by being a little better (learn from God here).

Thanks so much.

Regards,

A crazy fan

Freaking out

So I have established I do very well under pressure and deadlines and I suck when I don't have deadlines.


Anyways that is not what I want to talk about, but rather some other things I have established.


I don't have faith in people when it comes to believing they'll be there in times of sadness and need. This has been established based on certain incidents in the past some weeks. As it appears, I am not that chill either with uncertainty and anticipation, I freak out and want to run away.


The point here is, I know all these things about myself, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it while not spoiling my relationships with people. The only fix in my head is to say 'bye-bye it was nice knowing you.'


It's amazing how I lose my sleep and food over things that are mostly the creation of my mind, sometimes instigated by minor events or few upsetting comments. And even worse is, I repeat, I can control it with most people, because I try not to be attached, but with some people, the ones I am attached to but not completely well versed to their personality, I have PhD in freaking out.


Sigh!


(This is my emotional outburst after maintaining a sane silence on heart filling information)


I sometimes really wonder is it just me, or the woman kind is like that in general. I would like to believe it is not just me and we are one of a kind, but when I am freaking out, every other woman seems so sane, that I sometimes doubt my capability to rationalize in instant situations.


(Not that you all want to understand the ***k out of me)


One thing I would like to add though, all this freaking out usually lasts for a few hours, may be a day, and once I am done freaking out, all I do is wonder why the hell was I freaking out in the first place.


Go figure!


It's almost like I have two parts to the sane part of my brain (Makes sense?)


I think I function best without attachments of sorts, but good friendships of sorts (This definitely doesn't make sense to you, I am very sure of that)


Anyhoo... today apart from all the meaningless conversation I just had with the internet up there, has been a very good day (I know it's not over it). Being recognized at work, makes my life go high-five itself. I wish I had way more of these awesome days. But then I think they only come after a couple of 14 hours days... had one of those yesterday.


Which really brings me to hopefully my last point, sleep after being exhausted at work, is the best sleep ever made by mankind God. I slept for barely 5 hours but the best 5 hours.


:D


So yeah basically I wonder how to not freak out.


P.S: I know I have typos all the time, but I am too impatient to double check. Can't lose that flow yo.

Let's talk about cricket

If you know me, then you know Cricket and Bollywood makes my life worth living (like for most Indians).

So, since the ICC Cricket World Cup 2011 is on, I can't help but be glued to games and watch some unexpected results while wondering how the hell is India going to make it to the next rounds, all at the same time.

Let's talk about some games that make this world cup a heart racing, jaw dropping, unorthodox and unexpected series of events.

England vs Netherlands


Most of us can't even name one player in the Dutch team. They are a bunch of players who come, play and leave. There are no hoardings or banners with their names. They just play for the love of the game barely making it to the world cup.

So when these players play England, a country where cricket was essentially born, I don't think anyone pays much attention to wondering who'll win, the question is, how badly will they lose.

But then there are players like Ryan ten Doeschate. (Yes, I know his name now). Who comes and plays so beautifully, that we all as spectators are suddenly wooing for the underdogs, the Dutch, to win. Yes England won the game, because in the last few overs, the Dutch started showing their amateur roots but Doeschate proved, doesn't matter which country you play for, it matters how you play, and how much you love the game with a century and two wickets under his belt.

India vs England


Not to be biased or anything, but the world knows that the Indians can bat. Before the game started, it was suppose to be an even game, with either side having similar chances of winning, but once the game started Sachin Tendulkar proved once again, he is here to stay and how.

When Sachin hit his century against the Englishmen, the world bowed down, and the English felt helpless. That's the sheer magic the man creates around him. A score of 338 is never assumed to be chase-able. It has never been chased in the world cup. It is always enough to put the opposition in pressure, even more so during a world cup game.

But then again, Indians who can bat like there is no tomorrow, somehow forget every now and then, cricket is a game of batting and bowling. Yes Zaheer and Harbhajan are good bowlers, but we need 5 of them, or may be good 4 of them, and that's somehow never understood.

Strauss, the English captain, made use of India's inability to bowl and hit his first world cup century crossing the 150 run mark, making the chase seem so easy, that one actually wondered if any score is ever enough?? England, at one stage, were positioned to win the match well before the 50th over mark, till as it always happens in the game of cricket, twists and turns, or a batting powerplay in the last ten overs changed the game and resulted in a tie.

That game just proved that no team today truly no.1, like the Australians used to be few years ago.

England vs Ireland


The biggest upset of a world cup ever. Not because England lost to their amateur neighbors, but because a country who is still fighting to get its test status managed to chase down 327 in 49.1 overs against the likes of Anderson, Swann and Bresnan. Such was the joy on Irish faces, it seemed like they had won the world cup in their own way.

The Irish have Kevin O'Brien, who has proved time and again that cricket is his passion, and he will play till he can prove that the Irish deserve more than just a world cup entry every 4 years. The Irish did it once before in 2007 when they kicked Pakistan out of the world cup, and once again they are ready to prove that they don't want to be underdogs, they are here to play cricket, like any other test nation.

England on the other hand must be wondering if they are capable of beating South Africa who they face next on March 6th. All the weird games had their name in common, and it's probably time for them to think if they are surviving through talent or just luck.



There is still so much of cricket to be witnessed and I can't wait to see how this all turns out. There is no favorite team this time. Australia is no more the super power, super confident, invincible team it was once. And right now, the cup is a fair game. Anyone can win it, the question is will it be one of the test nations, or we'll be surprised this time around?