Do not even read this

So I have this "something is missing" feeling a lot these days. It is not suppose to be like that, but for some reason it is like that. I think I would like my blame my idiot BFF who decided to move half way across the globe, soon after which events took place which changed a lot around. 

NOT COOL!

I have friends but I am lazy, which means I would rather be in bed doing nothing, then making an effort of walking two blocks to see someone even if its 7 PM and I am back from work and I still have 4 hours before I start planning going to bed. So that in combination with my the closest friends not living around has turned me into a boring, not feeling at home person. 

(What am I even saying, someone needs to proof read this thing for me)

All I am trying to say is I think a year down the lane, I'd be ready to leave Philly and move to a different city. It was always about the people, and some how the people that made it what it is, are not here anymore. I miss those people but oh well, can't do no-thing about that.

(You know what I do at 8:30PM on a Monday night, plan on going to bed, LAME, very LAME, someone make me work out, I am getting fat... this is where I completely lost it)

Changing the topic entirely, I can't believe I am so feeling-less that I can't come up with a half decent expressive post. What is happening? I am thinking about work, and unfortunately can't write about that here, now can I..

Now I am just rambling, my worst ever I swear. 

Anyhoo, at least I cook more and clean more. (Not that it even matters). I am getting all homely.

Wonder where the college girl in me went??

I am alive :D

It truly sucks how much your life gets affected by 50-60 hours of work weeks. 


Don't get me wrong, I love working. I am not complaining about the long work hours. I guess I am disappointed that I don't get to blog as much anymore. When work is your priority and on your mind even after you are not at work, it's hard to sit down and come up with some coherent thoughts that can be jotted down here.


Also, I am growing up, so my pain and misery or my love and life won't come up here in a over the top, overly expressive fashion (Makes sense?)


What I am trying to say is, I am not the girl who can't keep a heart break to herself and has to write about the pain here anymore. I know I have done that for way too long, but somehow I wish I hadn't. I think it wasn't perceived the right way, I guess all I really wanted was to rant to strangers in this form without realizing how needy it sounds sometimes.


Again, I am not saying expressing here is wrong, all I am saying is I wish I had some control over my pouring emotions here. But then again, may be that's what growing up is, learning to be sane in situations which can leave you incapable of maintaining any ounce of self control and rationality. So yeah, I am growing up.


Now I know how it must have been to read me crying (in some sort of way) on my blog for so long. Honestly, it was genuine, I was upset, but may be I could have worded it better without revealing the importance of few un named people in my life.


I say all this now because new people come in our lives, we move on, we make a better life, eventually we are always glad that what happened did happen, but what we wrote on the internet always stays. It is a reminder of how uncontrollably needy you sounded in some way giving importance to something/someone that truly did not deserve the extra attention. 


(OMG, I will achieve sainthood soon)


So yeah, the original point was, work is crazy and I am growing up which leaves me sort of weary of what I say sometimes. I want to blog, but I don't want to cry. (Though I think I haven't done that in a while, and there is nothing to cry about actually)


As usual, I refused to process what I am writing and I summed up quite a few points here, so if you are a reader of this blog, you get the drift :D


On a side note: This winter is driving me nuts. Seriously nuts. I need spring, sun, clean sidewalks, cleaner roads, not slipping and falling, and wearing cooler shoes and not the boring snow boots.


FYI -- The cricket world cup is around the world cup and I am making a schedule to plan my sleep around it :D:D


P.S: I am getting fat in the winter..sigh

Some new year rants

Happy New Year people! I believe we are allowed to say Happy New Year all of January so I won’t consider myself too late in doing same.

Unfortunately I haven’t had the happiest of  a first week in the 2011 but that’s all in the past and I promise I would not let a piece of shrimp send me to the ER again, especially if I am in a city which is not Philadelphia (that makes the situation 100 times worse).

And I don’t have a resolution for this year. So many people asked me what’s your new year’s resolution, but I honestly couldn’t say anything. Mostly because, I think what’s the point. Seriously, I hardly ever follow one, and mostly it’s been losing weight, which will never happen (I have become more comfortable with not being a size zero over some time, with age comes wisdom J ). I am taking work even more seriously, I want to do three things at once, which is not easy especially because I sorta do have a life outside of work and time management is a huge task. I am sure it would be a huge help if I didn’t fall sick every time I step out of a hotel in some city but I am trying.

Right now I feel very triumphant because I managed to convince US Airways to put me on a flight to Phoenix and then to San Jose and beat the storm. I was almost sure I won’t make it out of Philadelphia today, but I guess this time I was saved. But I am sitting in the middle of two very unhappy people so I have no other option to concentrate on my screen. No small talk for me.. nope..none..what so ever.

(OMG, now I have a feeling I am going to start ranting about all the delayed and cancelled flights I have had in the past 2 months or so)

It’s January 11^th and I will cover 6 segments aka 6 flights today since January 1. And then life will change and I will be in Philly for 8 weeks non-stop without going anywhere at all.. sigh. I know I get tired of flying and fall sick and sometimes wish to be in Philly instead of some city like Indianapolis or San Jose or something like that, but I know I love flying. I don’t think I can do without it for much long.

(ok the rant did not come through.. good)

It’s a different life what we, consultants live. For us, the world is a relatively smaller place. We know if a close someone living in a city 1000 miles away, we’ll still see them once in two weeks. We learn to travel light, cover different cities, always be in a long distance relationship of sorts, meet a million new people, appreciate home more, yet need to get away from it to do that,  and maintain friends in random cities and still manage to see them every now and then.

It is hectic, but I don’t think I’ll ever have enough of it. It’s a weird satisfaction of sorts. The crazy working hours but the fun dinners, the sometimes long flights but a friend in the destination city that I haven’t seen in some time, the falling sick every now and then, but having coworkers who care around me..it’s all very comforting.

Basically I love this life so much that I will be devastated if I have to leave it. For that I need to sleep more, be more focused, eat  better, live better so that I do not have food poisoning at a very wrong time.

(I know I know I can’t stop gushing about how much I love my job)

Anyhoo, the point was to wish you all Happy New Year and really just say one thing, I know it’s just a change of one day that gets us from 2010 to 2011 and that shouldn’t really change anything right…

But there is this hope, this sense of ‘it’ll be better’ every time January 1 comes around. So make use of it, enjoy it, channel it, may be this year will be the best ever J

The year that was...2010

The year is coming to an end, and unlike last year I don't know if I can summarize 2010 as well as I summarized 2009.

2010 was a year where I think I discovered new things about myself or I guess I finally grew up. I learned to control my emotions, and many a times, I didn't feel any emotions.

I finished school, I spent 3 months doing absolutely nothing and sleeping 12 hours a day, I started working and traveling (still doing that), living off a suitcase, and towards the end of it I started saying good-byes. There is this weird feeling associated with growing up that came in 2010. There is this sense of nostalgia that came with 2010.  And most of all there is the "learning to be alone" syndrome that came with 2010.

In 2010 came the realization that it's hard to make those deep friendships after a certain point in your life. I realized how friends that I made in freshman year still know me best, still read me best and still are closest to my heart. I realize no many how many more people I meet, I hang out with, become friends with, at the end of the day those are the people I want to see in my life forever.

In 2010 came the realization that those people won't stay with me forever. They are leaving, finding their own lives, and saying good-bye is becoming harder every day. 

I don't miss the home works, or the early morning classes, I love working. But I miss those relationships, those people, those friends, some of whom have drifted away but still never leave my mind.

In 2010 came a lot of changes, just one thing didn't change, which should have changed. Still wondering how much more time...

So in 2011 this is what I want to do:

• I don't want to write a 'One Year Later' post again. 
• I want to go home and see my parents I want to prove distance doesn't hurt friendships
•  I want to be alone but not lonely 
• I want to be as happy as I am at work I want to feel some emotions. I think I lost too many 

I don't have any resolutions. I am just hoping for time to do its tricks as usual.

Growing up some more

It feels weird when the realization of being out in the world and making it on your own sinks in a little more on a daily basis.

I am so used to being surrounded by friends all the time that now when they have started leaving the city and move to places they have to be in or want to be in, my whole world is changing.

It's a weird feeling. It's like the first time you realize that there won't be any random get togethers and spontaneous night outs, because everyone now lives in some different part of the world. It's a sudden throw towards growing up and having to make choices around your career and friends.

Philly is home, but it's home because all my friends make it so, they have made it so. A month down the lane, half of them will be gone. I wonder whether Philly would still feel like home?

I need more time to adjust to this. This is all happening way to fast and it seems like I am whining too much about it, given this is how it works with almost everyone. Sigh!

I just wish it was not always about adjusting and getting used to changes, may be sometimes, somethings should be exceptions, where you don't have to adjust, because you don't want to adjust.

:(

So you know how I have been saying there isn't much to talk about in terms of being super senti and emo stuff. I guess there is now, not something I thought I would write about.


There are very few people in your life, and you are lucky if there are any, who affect your life a lot, and without whom, it's hard to imagine it.


I don't know if I am lucky or unlucky to have had two such people in my life. One I lost, and it took me a good long while getting used to having a life without him. It was a journey in it's own way. It was a learning experience. It was a call for having a shell, being more careful, it was painful, very painful.


And now the other one is leaving, moving 1000s of miles away and that my dear readers is not sitting very well with me. I know we will still talk but it's so weird to imagine not having her around all the time. It seems unrealistic, it seems insane and more than anything it seems very very painful.


I don't think I have it in me to get used to not having her around. Not spending hours talking about pointless things. 


(I think I am going over board)


I have never ever used the term 'lonely' about my life. But I feel like, life's gonna be lonely now. 

It's not what they all think

I was told today I need to think about things beyond work by someone who sees me once a week and has no idea about my hours the other four days.


She just came to my desk and said, "I get it you are young, but making work your life will not help much some years down the lane"


And after hearing that, I seriously wonder why does everyone, and I mean everyone think, all I do is work. I do have a social life, I do manage to see some friends every now and then, I do manage to talk to family, see them some times and I do manage to fit all that, in those 2 days off I get.


All I don't have is someone to come home to, which I guess is evident with my late working hours, but why is that so very important? I am not saying, it's something I am against, but all I am asking is why is it something that is considered an important thing to have, so important in fact, that unless you are with someone, people think you are lonely.


I know some of them care, but what if I genuinely believe that I am not made for all that? I always felt that I am at my sanest without having to worry about another soul in my life (apart from my family of course). It makes me more sensible, more driven, more focussed, more at ease. It makes me free, and trust me I like it that way and I don't think I'll trade my life with anyone at this point.


So as I said, I am not saying I am this, "I don't want to be in a relationship" girl. All I am saying is I am not, "I need to be in a relationship" girl. I'd rather be sad and lonely and a workaholic girl (according to the world that is), than be with someone who doesn't love me like there is no tomorrow, and I feel the same. And that my friends is a rarity, but I don't wanna do a 'regular.'


So yeah, that's my "relationship" post after ages. Its amazing how all I get to hear is "find a boy" these days. Sigh. Especially at work.