Just me

I know I have people who love me. I know they will be there. And I guess they will be there when I need them. But I don't know why its not enough. It just isn’t.

I am blessed to have friends like that. I truly am. These people give me happiness, they give me the support I need. But its just not enough.

When I am drunk, people call me to make sure I am fine. They come pick me up. They come put me to bed. They call me and wake me up for my morning event. But its not enough.

I wonder whether that’s me being insensitive or overly demanding or just DAMAGED.

Sigh! It sucks to not be able to feel anything for anyone. Feel no attachments. I am happy. But I am not there yet. Not just yet. I wonder how long?

I said before. Time takes its time. Its the only thing that matters. And its taking some time. 6 months and still going. Damaged is the term I use now.

To all those people who care so much more than I deserve. Thank you. Thank you so much.  But I am sorry guys. Part and parcel of me is not being overly expressive.  Just the way I am now.

One day. Some day. I will be expressive. At least I hope so.

Generation Gap

ok…I am not old. At least not absolutely. I am not.

(20 something is not old and you know that)

But I feel old sometimes, or…. ok may be just older. I see freshmen kids coming to college and then I see what they do, and I get amazed. I can never understand how they do, what they do.

I always try and imagine myself 5 years ago, and how I dealt with similar situations, and man, I was different.

(I am not saying whether in a good or bad way, I just was)

And I feel the generation gap. Especially with those who come from India.

Some notable changes::

• While I grew up listening to old Hindi music, and watching old bollywood movies on cable, they listened to Ricky martin primarily and don't even know about the movies in the 70’s.
• I got my first computer in 8th grade, and they don't even remember when their first happened, probably because they were too young to remember
• I never drank alcohol before coming to college, and they know all the liquor kinds.. (I still am bad at them)
• I did not even know how to approach a boy at 18, I was god damn shy and so were most of my girl friends, but now..hmmmm… girls know their deal

And trust me this list can go on (only if I remember all things clearly)

Basically I don't know whether it is increasing technological development or increasing communication channels or media impact. But there is a gap, and it is widening too fast

 

Looks and talks do matter

I am not trying to be shallow here. Honestly I am not. But the truth of the matter is, it is very important to be pleasing to someone’s eyes. Beauty is very perceptive, but you still have to work on it.

Some people are blessed with glass shattering looks while others have to work on it. I think no matter what face you were born with, if you try and if you pay attention to yourself, you can be pleasing to someone or the other.

It’s not even about looking good for others, its about looking in the mirror and saying, “ok I am something.” Everything starts with the way you look. People approach you, listen to you, take you seriously, treat you as a joke with the way you look and then the way you talk.

(Yup, talk talks, important!!!!)

I took a communication class and my professor introduced to something called the “cute syndrome.” When people look pretty (not hot) and they talk in front of an audience, people will probably not take them seriously unless they work on their tone. Because they look cute. And cute is not taken seriously. So being pretty does not do the deal, not always.

On the other hand if you are in a room full of opposite sex, you need to look hot. Not revealing hot. But just hot. That will immediately give you their attention. And then you talk. Talk business. And talk about what you have to say. Please the eyes and then please the thoughts.

When you go out meet people and you are 30 pounds over weight you know your chances go down of being approached. No I am not being shallow.

( I have been overweight, I still am, so trust me I know what it is).

It is just human nature, even if you are the best talker, you need to please the eyes first. You know you will not approach someone who is not pleasing to your eyes, so why do you think its wrong if you are not being approached?

Once again you can be hottest girl/boy in the room, but what you say and how you say it and can just break or make the deal for you. How many times have you thought, “He/She is so hot, but I wish they didn’t open their mouth.” I am guessing about a dozen times.

(For me its more like 100 times… talks matter a lot to me.. sigh)

All in all its the walk and talk that matters. Always and pretty much always. The two can be balanced. And the best part is you can work on both of these. We are not god sent with perfection, but we can try to work on both.

(I think I need to work on my endings…. well the point has been conveyed)

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Right now I am sitting in one of the residential dorms on campus at the front desk. It is thanksgiving. The dorms are empty. Everyone is home except a few people who are staying back.

There is this calmness all around. The air outside is chilly but not freezing. The campus is a little dead but not completely barren. I can hear ever car’s engine that crosses the road outside.

I tried to do some home work. I have been here since five hours but I could not get myself to do it. I watched a romantic comedy. I am listening to to mellow music. I am sipping on ice tea and eating some potato chips from a seven eleven on campus.

I am sitting here and just in a weird away enjoying the peace (so not me) and the serene weather outside. I see people passing by through the glass window because they chose to stay back as well.

In the midst of all this I am thankful for everything. For the calm right now, for the life I have had, for the life I will have. For the people I have met, for the friends I have made, for the friends I will go to because the night is still young and they are waiting for me to come home to them.

In the midst of all this I am thankful for sitting here and enjoying it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

The spark

How many times have you heard the sentence, “There just wasn’t any spark.” I am guessing at least a few dozen times from someone or the other.

No one can really define “the spark,” but it does exist. In some ways or the other, it just does. You’ll know when there is spark, and you will when there isn't any. You can meet the nicest, most attractive person, and you can try to be more than just friends with the person, but sometimes there is this one thing missing. This one thing that makes you smile when you think about the person, or be passionate about them. You can wonder however much you want. But the spark comes naturally.

As you grow older, it gets harder to find it. Brains function better and they try to force you into a sparkles relationship. You know who you should be with, but you don’t know whether you should be with the one you want to be with.

(I am so not old in absolute terms but even I feel this)

I think sparks can happen instantly. You can just spend 2 minutes with a person and you’ll know it. You’ll smile a lot, you’ll want to know more about them, you know with one touch you can have shivers going through your spine. You’ll know it.

(Obviously you can realize later that person is the biggest douche in the planet)

But sparks happen. And they are just beautiful. For someone like me, it is hard to find. I don’t get those anymore. I used to, but I can’t even remember when was the last time………

The art of forgiveness

Forgiveness is an art. It does not come naturally to one. You need to truly believe that you have let go of whatever that happened and forgiven the person. It is a process. And it is gradual.

It is said forgiveness frees you. It gives you that peace of mind. It lets you move on and most importantly it lets you face. But it is hard. It requires effort and sometimes it is your only option.

I don’t even know if I am a forgiving kind of a person. I cut people a lot of slack, because honestly as humans we are made to mess up. We will hurt people, we will be selfish, we will lie and we will hide. We will do it. But the question is how much of it can we control. And how much of it does not affect someone else.

I mess up. I become insensitive sometimes. I sometimes can’t stand emotional outburst (especially from men) and I ummm……. am selfish too sometimes. So if I can do it so can others and they deserved to cut that slack.

But then there is this other side where sometimes people need to be forgiven. Because what they did affected someone. What they did changed things. What they did was not just a simple lie or something like buying popcorn instead you soda because that’s what they wanted or not listening when you were crying or not caring sometimes. It was just something that you need to forgive in order to be yourself again. Just to go back to that world which seemed normal.

So forgiveness is an art. I can look at someone and smile. I can not even be angry. I can not even hurt. But that forgiveness does take its time. May be it needs to be earned. But I don't know how many people want to work on that.

(I mean I don't know if I would put a lot of time and effort in it)

Forgetting seems so much easier. Forgiveness takes too much time.

(How much I talk about time… sigh)

The concept of dating

“Dating” is the term used when two people are courting and trying to know each other. It is more like a no stress phase where people figure out things about each other. What they like, what they don’t like, whether they even want to give each other a shot.

You can date anyone. You can blind date. You absolutely don’t have to know anything about each other. That is what dating is for. And it works. For most people it just works. They date, they know, they get in a relationship.

For me that just does not work. I have tried going on dates, but never made it to a second one. I need to know the person very well even before thinking of getting into a relationship. I get the concept of dating on paper, but for some reason in practice it is a failure for me.

(Wait there is a twist to this)

All this means that I can only fall for someone who is a friend and that is once more the biggest no no for me. Being with a friend in a relationship has the worst break ups in the history of mankind (obviously this does not have to be the universal truth, but it is mine). You lose the guy both as a friend and as someone with whom you shared something special.

Boooom.. and its all gone..

So that leaves me with the question what should I do? Right now its not a problem, because I am not really thinking about anything like this with anyone, but one day may be it will be.

Some say if you are already friends with a person, falling in love with them is the best thing ever. The comfort level is majestic. It is just what you need. I agree. All this I agree to. But what when it ends for whatever reason, your best friend just leaves hurting you. Then what?

Sigh!

What I am trying to say is that I can’t date because I know I will not fall for the guy if I don’t know anything about him. It has to happen naturally you see. And if it happens naturally after some months, may be 6 or even a year then oh well, he is a friend. And I am scared of losing any more of those.

Sigh!

(Yes I sigh a lot when I am confused)

Basically the question is to whether to take chances or not. Dating randomly doesn’t work, so whether to take a chance with a friend, if ever!

The answer still unknown!