Time to plan the summer of 2010

June 12, 2010 is when I graduate. (I am sure everyone who reads this knows this).

After that I have more than 3 months of nothingness, and so much uncertainty that I think I should go back to making lists and then crossing off things one by one. I am getting way to sad and to come to think of it, this is inevitable, so I better start getting happy about the summer, and make it the best EVER.

Everything that I plan on doing, or would want to do, needs money. So if I am able to save up enough, these are the things I would want to do:

• Go to Portland and Seattle in June end. Once again.
• Hopefully get out of boredom immediately after that and go to Mannheim aka good old Deutschland :D
• Spend a week there and go to Poland (12 hours on the bus, sigh)
• Make a trip to Paris if someone agrees to come with me (you never know)
• Go to India and meet a million people
• Take sister to Bombay and Goa and meet my amazingly good friend in Bombay (Can’t call it Mumbai, even now)
• While doing all that, cleanse my brain (If you know me, you know what this means)
• Come to Delhi, take mommy and daddy for a trip.
• Go to Singapore or Malaysia with those friends I will probably never spend a lot of time with later :/
• Make some money somehow.. I don’t know how will this happen, but I shall try
• Come back in September end and start my dream job

So there is my list. I know I can not aim for everything on this, but a girl can try. Can’t she? I have had few successful ones before (well 70% success rate), but let’s make it a fantabolous summer. Shall we?

 

A word of advice

If I ever say that I have seen it all when it comes to men, then I would be lying. Wouldn’t I?

I am still in college (well for a month at least), and I am sure there is much more to come. But even after all that I feel like there is this similarity I have seen in the ones I have been involved with, and now somethings that are said (even if I am not the one involved), that make me not take them seriously.

One of my guy friends and I were having some sort of discussion and this is how it went:

He: You know, there is no right way to say NO to a girl

Me: What do you mean?

He: If you avoid her you are an ass, if you spend time, you are an ass

And I suddenly realized how right he was. So many guys when told, that one of their close female friends like them, get so confused that they do not how to deal with the situation without losing the friendship. They say/do things which they know they shouldn’t have, because they are suddenly trapped in a circle of unwanted events.

And then they try and get themselves out by saying how much the girl means to them as a friend, and how much they love her as a friend but nothing more. And I know for a fact they mean it when they say it. But what they don’t realize is no matter what they say to the girl, it won’t make her feel better.

Women don’t like to pursue or wait for the men, as men do for the girl they want. They read more into things then men do. They don’t care if you love them as a friend if you have done/said something that should have meant more. Because trust me, all this, “I love you as a friend” goes away once you start dating someone else. It truly does. So honestly guys, I know it’s a hard situation for you all, but don’t say, “I can’t afford to lose you as a friend",” because all that is bull crap. I know you mean every word when you say it, but you should also know that eventually, some time later, you yourself won’t believe in all that once (if) things go sour.

So guys I know it’s a difficult situation. And it sucks to deal with it. And full sympathies to you all. But think about that girl who was probably left heartbroken on top of losing you as a friend. When you probably, just lost a friend.

 

Counting down to the end

Exactly one month to graduation. I know a lot of seniors who have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Some are super excited about leaving. Some are just worried about getting a job. Some are just sad, and some don’t care.

I am neither. This is life changing for me. My campus is the place I call home. The past five years have contributed 90% to who I am. I have become cynical, loving, hating, caring, everything because of what I learned here, and I see this as an end of an era in my life.

For the first time in five years I have nothing to look forward to. Yes I may start working in October if everything goes according to plan, but three months in between are just there without me having any idea of what I will do.

This has never happened before here, when I have not known what to do. I am not used to vacations. I am not used to not working, and even worse, not being able to work in the summer because of a million restrictions that the government poses on international students.

So I have nothing to look forward to. Nothing at all. I just get uneasy at the thought of packing and moving my life around. I should be ok with it. I should be ready for this. But I am not. All I know is I have had the time of my life, and every moment has made me thank my gods for getting me this country and to this school. I don’t know how to live otherwise.

I don’t know how to not get access to the library, or the labs or chill in the quad between classes. I don’t know how to not know what week of classes is it, or what event is going on campus. All I know I is its scary and it is making me sad along with unhelpful.

These lines right now fit my emotions in the most approximate way:

The more I look back on all the happy times
the easier it is for me to realize
that friends are much more then hellos and goodbye
it all comes down to what you have inside.

Yes, some are good singers and some are athletic
but that doesn't matter (are you starting to get it?)
all that is important is the feeling inside
if your white or black or green or blue eyed.

For me to sit and say "I wont miss this old place"
is wrong and untrue (cant you tell in my face?)
all the friends and teachers meant so much to me
I don't know any place that I'd rather be.

"Those were the days", I'd here my parents say.
cherish there years...each and everyday
The people you'll meet and the places you'll go
and the hurt once that gone is more then you'll know.

All my friends will be leaving and I'll still be here
All my friends I'll be losing is my greatest fear
Promise you wont forget me as you go away,
promise you'll be back to see me someday!

Courtesy: graduation day by Grimm @ The friendship page

I don’t know how to feel any different at this very moment.

SIGH!!!

The Gangs

I was just watching an episode of How I met your mother and right as the episode ended I realized how parting from friends is so inevitable.

If ever there is a group of friends, no matter how close, things change, as the lives of those who make it up change. Just yesterday I was talking to one of my friends, and this is how the conversation went (well sort of)

He: He is cute, why don’t you give it a shot

Me: I don’t want to give anyone a shot

He:But why?

Me: Because then things will change. I won’t be sitting here with you at 2 am and just chilling. I don’t want that.

He: Why???

Me: Because once I change that about my life, I change other relationships in my life, and I don’t want to do that right now.

College is already getting over. The circle I had is getting disintegrated. The friends who always hung together are moving on with their lives. It’s about looking for jobs and settling down now. It’s not about taking classes together or planning the next weekend anymore.. And whatever of it I have left, I don’t want to change by adding any extra commitments in my life.

It makes me sad to know that we all will never live together, fight the way we do, grab a beer whenever we want to. Everything will need planning. Everything will involve around the other commitments that come in our lives from now on. Some will get married, some will move away, and some, well, will just go.

This college ending thing is not working very well with me right now. Too much change. And I think I am not handling it very well.

Sigh!!

Honestly, I like my life

This post may sound  like I am completely contradicting myself, given I just wrote about how much I like America.

But right now I am in a state where I just want to run away. Most days I am glad for the life I have, I thank god everyday for giving me what I have, I feel lucky for being where I am. But today is one of those days where all I want is to leave.

In my head, the thought of just disappearing from the face of the earth seems very appealing right now. I want to go to a small city in Europe, where no one knows me, and I don’t know anyone and just start afresh. Just call my parents, and be in touch with them. Get away from facebook, gtalk, a smart phone and all those things that bind me way too much to be  being connected to everyone and everything.

I think I need this break to get some peace of mind and stop worrying about things that are completely inconsequential. I think about things which I know don’t deserve so much thought. I think so much that I never go dreamless. I expect, I rant, I get into drama, I don’t rejoice in my professional and academic accomplishments, but rather stress about personal failures. After five years of being here, and knowing that the campus won’t be my home anymore, I need to just leave and start over.

This may sound very extreme and dramatic, but the person I am has a brain that contradicts itself every single time. May be it’s finally time for me to just give up on people for a while, especially when I know my absence for some time will not change anything. I will not be hurting anyone by just leaving.

I wish I am able to leave after school is over. Even if it’s for 2 months. I wish I can stop thinking when I leave. I wish I can just be by myself and learn to be happy alone.

Lil bit desi, lil bit American

So many ask me what am I doing here in the States. I should have been in India watching all those movies I love, all the songs I hum, all the cricket that I watch, all the ad films that air on Indian National television. My love for all these is so strong that it makes them think what am I doing here.

But the thing is, this is America. The beauty of it comes from the fact that you can stay her and still connect with home. I spend my days listening to songs like, “Chalte chalte mere ye geet yaad rakhna,” “Lag ja gale.” “Kisi ki muskurahaton pe ho nisaar,” all the ones from 1950’s or 60’s or 70’s. I reminisce by watching old bollywood movies and by cheering the Indian cricket team no matter when they play. I start singing, “Aati kya khandala” while hanging out with my non-Indian friends.

I like to curse in Hindi. I like to express in Hindi. I like to stand up whenever my national anthem plays. I like to smell the streets of Chandni Chowk. I like to feel like it feels in Delhi winters. I like to do so many things that make people wonder why am I here?

I am here because I can do all these things here and still be who I am. Openly non-conservative, and openly independent without any outside pressure. India is still developing in terms of gender equality, and as much as I love the smell of first rain in Delhi monsoons, I love my freedom, I love my independence, I love not being judged, and not judging.

I love not being answerable, I love not being stopped from doing things just because I am a girl, I love walking out at 3 am and feeling safer, I love knowing how to get everything done through the system without a third man, I love everything that I can do, what I couldn’t have done.

As much as I miss the smell of home, and the old hindi songs, I love it here. I know I can listen to the songs here even if I don’t get the same feeling, but I don’t know if I can walk out a 3 am there without a fear.

I am very desi. Very much indeed. But I also love America for the freedoms. So I am here being the desi I want to be, the desi I am proud of, the country I am proud of.

Clouds of the Past

I was once told that sometimes when you take a step forward in your relationship with people there is no going back. No matter how much you want to, it just becomes too hard to go back, or sometimes even impossible.

I do believe that, but I also believe that sometimes there are other things involved that makes it harder not just you and the person in question. The other times, it’s your past experience that makes you question things and people, which makes it even more difficult to let things change at all, you can’t go back, and you can’t move forward. You are stuck.

I give my past a lot of value in judging situations. I feel I can’t be spoken to in a certain way, or treated a certain way even if I know this person has no bad intentions. It makes me upset, very upset, to the point, that I just want to run away. Not deal with anything. Not talk. Not exist.

It does sound like an extreme and I know it’s about time I stop relating everything to what happened long ago, but when I think I am doing better with comparisons, something is said that makes me question my relationship with people. All because I compare. I remember how it made me feel. I remember what sometimes, people are capable of.

I am upset right now. While writing this I am upset but I know I won’t be tomorrow. I know I’ll be fine because my past protects me. It makes me stronger too, it makes not give a damn, it makes me quit without pain.

But the bottom line. The past still haunts me, sometimes its a good thing, and sometimes I wish I could erase it.