Once upon a time in Afghanistan

I can’t say I a very well informed person. I am somewhere in the middle who chooses to block out certain information, she should have cared about, but she doesn’t.

I am not a feminist, at least not an intense one, but I do certainly take more interest in problems, stigmas, issues with women and like to know about them, so that some day I can make a difference.

I was reading this article on foreignpolicy.com about how Afghanistan lives a barbarian life and can be compared to living in the 13th century. But the catch is, it was not always like that. I know our generation just knows an Afghanistan, where women are treated like door mats, people strive to get education, electricity is a luxury and revolting is suicide. But I found it very interesting to know that once upon a time in Afghanistan, things were not like that.

The most interesting part about the pictures in the article was the women. They dressed western, they worked jobs, they went to colleges and universities and worked along side men. This picture in particular made me wonder, how does a country go so backward, after being so forward in as early as the 1950’s. Women went to the same college as men, there were coed universities in an Islamic nation, which from where I see it, is quite modern. Then how did the country become hell for its people, especially the women??

I read it somewhere that having a girl child in Afghanistan is a nightmare. Girls as young as 12 years are raped, and no one does anything about it. Parents are such subjected to torture and ultimate loss. Rape is normal in Afghanistan. And that makes me wonder how can a country so progressed become so barbaric? I know the facts, but I just wonder, how one group can change the fate of a big, once peaceful, progressive country.

Family first

I grew up in a household which was very hard core Indian. My mom, the house runner, my dad the bread winner, and their two girls.

My mom was the one who made us pray everyday, taught us bhajans, made sure we did well in school and helped out with school work till she could understand what we were learning. My dad, the protective conservative Indian father was all about education and no distractions. He is a professor, he was the smart sophisticated man who taught us to just trust the family, believe in education.

My parents did not have a social life, they never took vacations. The only time we left Delhi was to go to Nainital and Jaipur. That’s all the vacation we ever took. We were all very Indian, I never knew what was happening in the US or in any other sports apart from cricket. The only movies I watched came from Bollywood, the only food I knew, was Indian.

All that was actually perfect, because that’s all I knew how to live as a family. Now years later, when I am away, and my dad is tired and deserves to retire and just live at home, I want so much more for them.

I was planning to go to Europe and see my friends there again, but I just realized, it is time to give back. Tell my father, that everything’s ok and it’s time to rest. Tell my mom, she can buy that saaree she always wanted. Tell my sister, she can go away on a trip with her college friends, it’s time to put family first. It is high time to put family first.

I don’t know why I did not realize that earlier. It’s my turn now. And I have to start right now. My mom has done enough. My dad is not the same person anymore. It’s my turn to give them everything I can. Europe can wait. It’s time to go home and make some magic happen.

Right now, at this very moment, there is nothing more that I want, than seeing my mom buy everything she ever wanted, and watching my dad be the same person again.

Time to make it all happen.

Happiness

Happiness is what makes sense right now. It is in small things. It is in appreciating what you have, rather than what you don’t.

I have so much and yet I wonder sometimes why I don’t have what I have wanted for a while now. But the weirdest thing is, I don’t even know what I want.

I had the best time of my life right now without anyone and I am happy. For now I am. Tonight is to the power of friendship, the sex and the city kinds. To standing by your girls friends, whenever and forever. Happiness is when you know you can say the meanest thing to them and still when you look back they’ll be there.

Happiness is when you know you are not scared to go away and come back to emptiness. So I am happy. I know someone will be waiting.

Flipping flopping

I am girl. I like boys. So I can only give my theory on how boys act when in some sort of relationship with a girl (Friendship/dating/married/etc etc.).

When men make women cry all the woman wants is to be made to feel better. Have them follow up on how they are feeling. Made to be feel they are cared for (not just telling). Woman are easy that way. You show them you care, and they calm down.

And the problem arises when women are taken for granted. When that happens, their tears, their being upset, their feelings don’t seem to matter much to men, and that’s when the woman in question should know something is wrong. Something in the relationship is unbalanced. Somewhere they are not cared for as much as they are told.

Some men like to flip flop. Their mood swings are worse than any woman’s. They would be the most affectionate one day, and something would set them off and you wouldn’t see them again. Woman know that for a while a now, but when the man matters somewhat, they deal with it. But this is the time when they should know he isn’t sure about them. Or anything there is in between.

So when men are flipping and flopping and not really following what they say then I think its time you know, “He is just not into you.” Be as a friend or anything else.

 

What’s most scary right now?

So we are finally down to 20 more days. Close to 3 weeks.

Graduation is closing in and I am so scared of people. Isn’t that weird? People fear not getting a change, being more responsible, losing on the college life, and I am fearing people in a sense that I don’t even know.

My friends and close friends and some other people ask me how does it feel. Some want to come to my graduation and cheer me (I don’t have family coming), some are happy that I am probably going to be around and some well, pretend to care.

All that is freaking me out. Is that weird? I am glad that I at least have people who are bothered, but I do not know if I want people to show up for my graduation or be there when I am crying after that. I do have a reason for that which I may not be able to explain very well, but I am still going to give it a shot.

For years now, all that has mattered to me is PEOPLE. If someone asks me what I want to do, I say hang out with some close friends, go out with some close friends, live with some close friends. That’s all I have always said. And now I feel like expecting to have them around, to participate in my happiness/sadness is asking for too much. It makes me build weird expectations. It gives me a sense of want which when not fulfilled just leaves me sad.

(I am pretty sure I am not making sense)

So when someone asks me, what time do you want us to be there, or let’s celebrate after that, or do this, do that, I feel like I am making them take time out for ME which makes me uneasy. 2 years ago, I would have made them come. But now, I don’t want the burden of making them do something for me.

(Makes some sense now??)

I just want to do it on my own. I don’t even expect my bff to be there for me, or those I love (my friends), or even that one guy who is on my mind. Is that weird? (I am asking that too much, am I not). I would like to be sad on my own that day. It is a big deal for me. Huge deal. But for some reason, I don’t want it to be any deal for others. I know they all want to, but it feels like they think they HAVE to, which is exactly something I am scared of.

So 20 days before graduation people scare me. I have made myself believe now, that no one changes their schedule for anyone, and I don’t want that from anyone. For some reason, spring is reminding me of way too many disappointments and that is making me weary of PEOPLE.

(ok ok.. I know I don’t make any sense)

Commitment???

I have read it so many places that college is a time when you will either meet the love of your life, or you will have so many disappointments that you may think this is it for you.

I won’t say I have had a lot of disappointments, but I can definitely say that I do think this is it for me. Weird ehh?

There is too much chaos around. Too many people doing things which make me question the existence of loyalty, fidelity and sometimes even friendship. I am trying to be sane and believe all those experiences I have read and heard of. People always say it all changes after college. There is more commitment to be seen. But is that really true?

At this point in time commitment is a huge thing for me. I don’t even know how can someone be so sure about the rest of their lives (well I know I am contradicting myself from a year ago, but shit happens). I have friends who are getting engaged or married, and I think to myself HOW?

I can’t even imagine being with someone right now, leave alone committing. It is a scary thought to me. I don’t know how do people know at 22 or 23 that the person they are with is the same person they want to be with forever. Forever is way too long. In 5 years of college I have seen so many people just fall out of love or commitment or friendship, I don’t even know how do you think of a forever?

I have to attend weddings of friends who I grew up with. They are all excited and thrilled to take the plunge. And I just don’t understand how. How do you give so much of yourself to someone (I mean I know how, but I don’t know how to now).

Basically if I was talking to some Indian, all I would want to say is, “yaaaarrrr.. ye log itna commitment kaise detein hai???”

Will power

I think I lack will power.

In my head I have shoulds and should nots, but so many times I go with the should nots for those few moments of happiness when I know some hours, or even a day later, I will be disappointed.

I had a friend whose will power amazed me. He was so strong in his head that he could stop himself from anything that would just give him some moments of happiness. His control over his actions is something I will always be in awe of. The man isn’t perfect, but if their is one wish I am granted, I would like to take that quality of his. I really would.

I get myself into situations where I question myself later. I wonder why did I do something when later I realize it did not mean much to other people. My theory of living in the moment gets me into too many disappointments but I never stop myself from doing that still.

My bff always tells me how I need to be more strong willed and restraint myself from living in the moment situations because me being me, gets mind f***ed. But obviously I do not listen. (Actually I think if I did listen to her most times, I would be a more at peace individual, god I give her too much credit)

So now I am thinking, at 3:30 am, why do I do what I do, when I know I am not even going to be made to feel the moment of happiness was worth it.

Sigh!

Will power. Where is this will power. It only comes to me when I need to get away/run away. I can run away any day I want to from whoever without thinking I’ll lose someone, the moment I get hurt. That’s the only place I show some will power. Phewww…

Would have been nice if I showed some before reaching that point.

Ok now I am just blabbing.