Quick Replacements

I seriously wonder how do people replace best friends so fast?

How do you spend one week in someone else's arm, and then the next week when that person is gone, you have the replacement ready?

How do you share the same comfort, same bed, show same affection to someone else so fast?

It is beyond me.. sigh!!!

I wish I could do such things though. I would not question people then..lol

Side Note: Man, I always get to know. I dont even have to be physically present at the place. Well this time I asked for it, so I guess, its not my awesomeness..lol

Oh well... one day.. some day.. I will learn to read people better :)

This goes to my friend

This is for my friend who has always thought that my pain is bigger than his, even if he had been in the shittiest of situations.

To my friend, who is a little stupid, a little mad, but still has been there.

Who has believed in me, and showed me that sometimes even 4 years are not enough, and sometimes some months is all it takes.

I dont know how our friendship will turn out, and whether some months/years down the lane, we'll even be in touch, but for now.. I want to thank him. For being there. For listening, and also be the devil's advocate.

Thank you so much :)

22

I am officially 22 today.

Feels old, and not as fun as 21 felt. I was so excited about 21, it was all I wanted, all I wished for, but 22, not really.

There is no excitement, no expectations. It's just like another day.

I am in India, celebrating my birthday here after a very long time, and it feels strange. There are friends who made sure they wish at 12 am sharp, and generally as a kid, I have always looked forward to that. But I guess, after 21, it all stops. So weirddd.

I am sure someone who is 25 is reading this, will feel I am being ridiculous. But oh well!!! That's how I feel right now, can't help it.

It's good to be home though. See your parents smile. See your sister excited. See your friends wish you and say, "thank god, you are here for once." I am glad I am here because of them at least. :)

So Happy Birthday to me :) ...

You hear it in silence

Catchy title eh?

You know when people say silence is powerful, you sometimes wonder how so?

I know how so.

Yesterday, I went and stood next to my old house. I could not hear anything, and I just closed my eyes, and all the memories came rushing back.

How I spent all my teenage years there. How I met so many people, made so many friends there. How I tasted the not so appealing societal pressure, and the need to be secrete in whatever you do to hide from all those eyes, who are watching everything you do, and just waiting for an opportunity to gossip about it.

I remembered how I grew up trying to fight everything my parents said (typical teenager), and getting away with things. How I had to fight for every minute of freedom outside the house, and the curfew seemed to be on 24/7.

How I met my first boy friend, the guy who can still give me butterflies (I am not too sure about this one, I need to see him first, which I have not in 5 or 6 years). How I always sneaked out to see him. Ahhhh.. days where everything was adventurous.

That house reminded of so many things. Things I can't imagine doing anymore. Things I see girls my age doing now. It's such a cycle. But I am so very far from it, it seems so unreal sometimes.

I can not imagine not being able to talk on the phone at 1 am if I want to, and there were the days where talking on the phone so late could not be achieved so easily. And even before were the days of no cell phones, where using the home phone meant keeping your guard up, because mom being mom, might just pick it up from the other side and listen to your conversations.

And here I am now, with all the freedom in the world. No questions asked, no answers expected. It's really amazing how far have I come. I see my girl friends here still having the same issues, and when they tell me, "I dont think mom will let me come out,".. sometimes I don't understand why. I left home at 18, saw my parents after 2 years, travelled to Europe by myself, I did so much on my own, that I think asking me not to leave the house would be a kinda weird. I feel blessed to have achieved what I have, to get the freedom I always wanted (thanks to my parents for that, being the kid I was, they really had to have some guts to do this), and to live a life that I have no regrets with (apart from you know the usual I blab about)

So when I close my eyes, and stand outside my old house, I hear it in silence, I hear the echoes of the past, and the memories I created there.

Being home and some more

Being home after 2 years is like coming to a new world with same old people.

Family and friends are still the same, I shock them more with my behaviour than they do with theirs.

Its HOT like always. Burning hot.

Food still tastes amazing, and inflation is still at its best.

So much has changed, and yet so much has not.

I feel like when I go back, it is going to be a new world again. I know nothing changes in 2 weeks, but somehow it has.

Good things:

I am not angry anymore. I am not mad. I dont care about certain things. I am not upset about them all the time, and I wish all good. No bad wishes or any complaints. Whatever happens, is for the good.

Bad things:

Whenever I think of what happened, I get sad. Feel betrayed, but that fact does not linger in my mind all the time. Which is very good. It's too early to forget, but I think I'll get there eventually.

Home makes me feel how I am living two lives. My friends here think, I am the strongest person they know. They think I move on very fast, I do not take BS and much more.

Friends in Philly think I am EMO. lol. I am overly emotional, get attached to soon, do not move on, and you know all the girly stuff.

Honestly, I do not know which one am I, because both these sets have seen a lot of me. Friends here never see me upset, or complaining about boys or anything (because I dont feel like it, because nothing bothers me), so I guess they are right in their own way.

Friends there.. welll...in the past one year or so.. all they have seen is me being EMO (as they put it), so I can't say they are wrong either. I guess I do have a dual personality, or may be it is just something that happens, unintentionally.

I am leaving.. I am going home

In few hours from now, I am leaving. Going home in almost 2 years.

I am leaving with a hope to never make the same mistakes. Start new, and make new beginnings.

I will come back, and I will be a different me.

I wish some people to be happy, and I wish I never have to see them again, because that will make me unhappy.

I realize it, I see it, how much I don't even mean much as a friend. I see it. I know you have to make the choice once more, of keeping me as a friend or not, you will do the latter. I see it.

Still, I wish you happiness.

Still, I wish us both seperate lives that never meet.

I wish you never see me again in 2 hours from now, you never see me again.

I wish you are happy

I sincerely, truly, very genuinely wish you all the happiness.

I think what happened to me, serves me right. I was in love, and so I was blind, and refused to see so many things. This was the only way I could have understood.

Now I wish, you are happy and never think about me, or even want to know anything about me. I wish I never matter. I wish you get everything you want, everything that you deserve.

I am not being a bigger person, I am just sick and tired of the pain, and the rage that envelopes me all the time. I know if you are happy, sooner or later, I'll be happy for you, and remember you as someone I got a chance to know at so many different levels.

I believe, you will not make the same mistakes. I know you will keep her happy, I know you will never need me.

And if you are reading this, which I don't know whether you will or not, I want to tell you, that you will always be somewhere in my mind, as this person who taught me a lot. Who taught me to think about myself first, who taught me to learn to not give a shit sometime.

I wish you are the happiest with her, I will just never be a part of that happiness, because Im not that kind.

This is what I want to say in the end. Be happy. Very happy, and never sad, good things happen, and its time for you to get them.