How much vacation is enough vacation

Ok, I know most of you will think while reading the title itself that there is nothing such as enough vacation. But trust me there is….

(I am not stupid)

Drexel does not give one enough vacations. It’s a 5 year school with no summer off after freshman year which means that you don’t relate to the concept of a full fledged ‘nothingness’ vacation. So basically this is my first in 3.5 years. I have never been this idle in a long long time.

Usually I am either working or traveling or doing something. I am never just by myself doing NOTHING.

(I do need to stress on the nothing)

Now that I have been doing it since a while, I am kind of done with it. Winter + Vacation is making me lazy. I am craving for a routine (not a lot of hw, just a routine).

I am so lazy that I can not even party. Seriously, I can not!!!! :O

I went out with a couple of girls for dinner tonight. We had some Mexican food, and then everyone else decided to stick around for drinks and bar hopping. And I.. yes I.. despite of having nothing to do, became lazy and came back home.

How much more lazy can I be? I usually stick around especially when I know I don’t have to get up early or do work. But I left, because I just wanted to be in bed.. (which is exactly what I am doing now)

Basically I am done vacationing. For me 3 weeks is more than enough vacation. For real. Unless of course I am travelling across some continent. But else.. its enough.

The question is how much vacation is enough vacation for you?

Winter

I have never been a big fan of winters. I don’t like the snow much, I don’t like to be under the blanket every time, I hate piling up layers before going out and above all I hate the super short days.

I get three weeks off as winter break and they become the most unproductive 3 weeks of my year. I don’t see a motivation to get out of my house, hence I sleep in till sunset and stay up till almost sunrise. I just stay in bed and sleep and eat. I don’t like being lazy but the cold just doesn’t help.

(No wonder summers are amazing)

I wish there was a way I knew how to be a little more active in winter. On top of the cold, there is the holiday season in winter which makes one eat like crazy.

How do people ever not be lazy or gain weight during this time. Beyond me. I have not figured that one out yet, and i doubt its happening anytime soon.

Philadelphia just had one of its worst snow storms ever last week. Everything came to a stand still. No cars,. No busses. Just snow and more snow on the ground and in the air.

How is that pretty? How do you function in such conditions? How do you manage to like winter in such situations?

And living on the east coast means  winter becomes the longest season of the year. It just never ends… SIGH

(I swear if I didn’t like it here so much I would have moved to the west)

All in all I wish winters did not make me so unproductive. All I do is gain weight and see the scale go up.

Dislike!

Summing up 2009 – Summer 2009

I finished writing about my first half. And now its the turn of the second half.

The second half was so distinctly different from the first one that I can literally put them as living two separate lives. It was about meeting new people, making new friends, opening up to certain facts, being comfortable and open to a change and travelling.

I have to give summer just one post because it was beyond amazing. I never wanted it to end, and when it did I knew I would miss it.

July 2009

The month started with me coming back to Philadelphia all strong, and all ready to never be sad. As soon as I came back I left for Virginia for work. Lived their for a week. Just worked and worked, and had a wonderful time.

One interesting event was having a stalker in a 5 star hotel. Trust me it is scary. A guy just started following me and showed up outside my hotel room. It was insane and SCARY. The good thing I left for Philly the day after. But scary none the less.

I still had a good time. Took some time to think. Met my friend. Met employees from different locations. It was good.

I made new friends and essentially had less emotional bursts. I had the biggest thing for Reid (I am so over it now), and I had a happy life at my house.

Get up at 7. Go to work. Be back by 6PM. hang out with my room mate’s mom (she was over), eat some good Indian food. Hang out with some friends. Go to bed by 1 am.

That was some crazy month with some crazy food and some amazing weather.

I started going out a lot. I never did that, I don’t even do that right now. I never saw clubs as much as I did in Summer.

I started spending time with people I just knew by name before. I did not vent, not even in my blog (apart from certain few outbursts)

August 2009

The month was EPIC.

I made some really good friends and we formed what’s called the devdas family. They all made me smile and just not think.

I was super busy and super occupied thanks to that family.

(I was fighting a lot with my best friend but somehow I knew it would be ok when I see her (it is ok now), and nothing seemed to bother me. )

I made travel plans. Decided where all I wanted to go. Places I wanted go and some more. .

I spent my days at work and weekends with some amazing people who just got my EQ down. It was about having fun and not thinking about the first 6 months. Some days I did think about them, but mostly August was amazing. My old friends started noticing the change in me. It was very obvious. I was just plain happy. Singing, dancing and not thinking. Life was perfect :)

August was actually when I saw the summer ending, for me it ended then even though the actual end came in September.

Summer 2009

Those were two months of pure fun and mood upliftments. I can’t even thank people enough for it. So many them made a difference.

I know some of them are reading this, and if they are, thank you so much. You all have no idea what you did.

Summing up 2009

This year was definitely eventful. Very very eventful. I can’t even try to sum it up in one post, so probably it will take me a few.

Not that all of you are interested in knowing my life in and out, but I would still like to write. We are almost in 2010 and like most people (at least I think so), I would like to go back and just see how my year was.

In short it was one of a kind. It was the most different one in college so far and everything in my life here was re defined. Everything.

January 2009

I came back from Germany and I was still looking for a permanent place to live. I did not feel at home here in Philly. It just was not the same. College seemed very different and I did write about that. I was still trying to cope up with coming back here and feeling the same like I did all 3 years before that.

February 2009

I started thinking more along the lines of friendships and how they were changing for the very first time in my life. My relationships with people were being re defined. It was kinds chaotic. I found solace in few people and torture in some. I thought about Where am I now.

March 2009

Winter term ended, coop began and so did a life of sleeping less and very less. I very clearly remember the end of March. For sometime then I actually thought I can get out of certain illusions and jealousies but oh well… it was not working that well. I was writing more and more than before and then I wrote about all those Complexities.

April 2009

Month one of coop, a different life, a different zone. This was truly the onset of a life that I desperately needed. I routined life. I went to work everyday no matter what was on my mind. Whatever happened at home did not impact my work life.

But it did not really start that well. I was the intern and was fought for. Everyone wanted to be the boss. Everyone told me what to do. It made me cry, because no matter what I did was not enough.

And I was introduced to the concept of sleeping less. Never before I had functioned on a sleep on 4-5 hours on a daily bless. I have not looked back since then. I hardly sleep even on classes and I think I am more productive. Sleep woes worked.

May 2009

May was a month of emotional trauma. All I did was think about stuff that I could have avoided. I was love struck and I did not know how to cope up with that. I was not in control and I did not know how to fix that.

I have always been in control and I was so restless and lost that all I did was blog. I saw a friend slipping away, I saw the love of my life not giving a shit and so happened a chain of events that made May a month not worth remembering.

(I still cant forget it though..sigh)

I thought about so many things. Forget but not forgive, Chances, Cheating, How I know, and so many more.  

Basically my EQ was all time high and I became incapable of hiding the fact.

June 2009

Exactly the middle of the year and exactly when things changed. Life changed. I changed.

June started well. Happy. Content. But 10 days into it I was done and over with. I had an emotional break down. I left everything. I left the States. I stopped working. I stopped eating. I stopped everything. I just behaved like a depressed, useless person. I am not proud of it, but it happens.

It was my birthday month to. I celebrated my birthday in India, saw a couple of friends after ages. Something was still missing. I did not enjoy anywhere, anytime.

I lost faith in friendships and love. I lost a lot. And someone did not even know. I realized how one can never understand, how much things hurt unless you go through them.

I spent the last 15 days in June crying and recovering. Changing. Trying to build those emotions. Not depending on friends. It was a sad phase.

July – December .. to be continued ….

 

How I love my mother

I have never told this to my mom and its not even mothers day but I somehow feel I need to write about this.

I love her (I know everyone loves theirs) and I don’t think I can be half as good a mom as she is. I can’t be that selfless. I cant be that understanding and I just cant be that unconditional.

I was one hell of a teenager. As soon as I turned 13 adolescence did wonders to me. I was a rebel at best. Now that I look back all I can say is. “What the hell was I thinking.” And my mom doesn’t think that. When I ask her how she managed to deal with me, she says, “You weren’t that bad.” And I can’t believe that. I was not good at all but she can’t find faults apparently.

She sent me away to study even though she knew she’ll be left with no one to talk with. I was her best friend and a way to enjoy. We went to movies together, shopped, just went on walks. She knew she would have no one to do that with once I go away, she still sent me. Because I wanted it. I don’t think I can ever do that with my kid. Never ever can I.

When I call her now and tell her all that I do, she doesn’t relate to it. It’s all out of her culture and tradition. But she understands because she believes if I am doing it, it can’t be that wrong. She never gets mad at me because I am away and she doesn’t want me to get upset. She lets me do anything as long as she can know I am fine.

And when I want to get away from here, I just fly home and cry to her. She doesn’t ask any questions. Doesn’t drill me. She listens and let me put my head in her lap and cry.

I mean how can she be so strong? So giving? It is very much beyond me. I don’t know if all the moms are like that but mine is one hell of a kind. She is the most innocent yet strongest woman I know. All she cares about is whether I am fine. She has no dreams, no passion of her own. Its all her kids.

I really want her to get mad at me sometimes so that I can feel that she is normal and not extraordinary. But she has never done that. She solves my problems even without knowing them. Her innocence makes me cry. Her love makes me believe.

I love you mom. I wish I can give you everything you wish for. Everything you want in life. And never ever do something that makes you sad.

 

What the Psychic said

When I was in Vegas somehow my mind did not work as planned. I mean it just did not process how much money was being spent.

Ridiculous but true.

So I did whatever I wanted to as long my credit card swiped or there was cash left in my wallet.

(I just checked my credit card statement and somehow it feels like it was a dream which cost money because I do not remember spending this much)

So because I was spending I spent on a psychic too (purely fun basis), and she did not say anything bad. Seriously…. she just did not.

I wont lie, she seemed very nice and somewhat right in describing me, but she personified euphemism like no other. My life is suppose to awesome and smooth apart from LOVE which aint working out.

Tell me something I don't know????

She said said some things which did make sense too, but I seriously wonder why I spent 50 bucks on that. I don't understand right now, but for some weird reason then I could not process the whole spending amount. Everything seemed doable.

The Psychic did not really clear any doubts.. she just told me what I knew, so basically I paid her for validating her vision and making sure it works without getting anything out of it.

(I swear I am not saying she was fake or anything… respect dude)

I spent too much. On stupid things. But I am not really regretting it :)

I am just wondering where my mind went?

VEGAS!!!

I am a fan of tall buildings, city lights and a lot of noise (ahem,.. we all know that).. and so obviously when I left for Vegas 4 days ago, I expected to be blown out of my mind.

And I was.

It is a city full of life. Its all about money. Pure lust for money. It can buy you anything in Vegas. And I mean ANYTHING.

I lived on Fremont Street (c’mon I am a college student, was hard to afford the Ceasers palace) so hopping on the bus was a multiple affair.

When I just stepped outside the Venetian and looked at the city around me, oh my god I felt that rush of excitement going through my head.

Every hotel, every casino has its own decor. There is something that sets one apart from the other (obviously a certain few not to mention names SUCK).

Go to Wynne or Encore and you’ll see class. Go to Bellagio or Ceasers and you’ll see the elite. Go to Planet Hollywood and the ambience will send you to a peppy club feeling. Trust me, you will get a pick. You’ll know where you want to be the next time you go there.

It has something for everyone. Even a small street shopping feeling outside Harrah’s for those who cant afford and courtyard (huge one) full of Jimmy Choos and Coach and Gucci and Prada and Versace for those who don't know where to spend.

Go there and just see for yourself.

Now on a serious note. ( I mean a different note)….

Gamble with care. These casinos give you free alcohol to gamble. You win some and then you think you are so good at it and then you lose way more than you made. It is vicious circle. Vegas runs on greed, and its everywhere to be found (Indians are exceptions, we in general are cheap people, certain exceptions apply)

(Also, I did not even see one INDIAN gambling big)

I did not gamble with care myself either but I always get carried away, so not surprising.

Jay Z and Alicia Keys made a song about New York. I really wonder why there is none about Vegas yet. After going there and experiencing it in a small doe, I can totally believe the HANGOVER story.

(Seriously, whatever happens in Vegas. Stays in Vegas)

Detaching

So ok. I don’t like being vulnerable. I mean who does. But I kind of hate it more than anything else I can hate. I am usually not. I think its more like never these days.

(PMS does not count)

In the recent past i have never seen myself getting affected by something very badly. I mean at least it has not been something which makes me super uneasy with myself.

(I am good like that, not being super modest..)

So when something makes me a little distressful, a little uneasy, I get so uncomfortable with myself that I just want to run away. Literally just go to a different part of the world, where I have to never ever see it again or face it again.

You can say I like to run away from emotional troubles. If someone bothers me, I block them out in the best possible way. Earlier I used to believe that I can not leave friends and being without them would be traumatizing even if they emotionally were not helping, but now I just block people out.

It is not the nicest way (obviously), but it keeps me detached and non EMO, which I would take any day over being bothered by what and why people do when they do it.

So when I hear people saying they are overly detached and they think its a sad thing. I say. Are you kidding me? Because after years and years of getting affected by people I feel awesome to be like this. (Seriously I do)

Blocking out is awesome. Don’t do shit, don’t take shit. I mean c’mon, how wrong can that be right?

All nighters

Well I wont lie, I spend a lot of nights up. I don't go to bed till 5 or even 6 am. I just stay up for no reason. I just like to do it. I try to go to bed on time but mostly, that’s an ordeal. (Going to bed early I mean).

I am up today. And I am dying to sleep, and its only 3:20 am. Why? Because I have to study. I have an exam tomorrow, and this one requires an all nighters.

I have never really pulled one off for a class in college. Back in high school, the good old days in India I did that on a regular basis. I kind of just knew how to study for hours and hours without taking any long breaks. It was easier.

Now. It is an ordeal. I can’t stand it. I can’t believe I used to do it 5 years ago. Just stay up study. Without a computer. Without a television. I just did it. All night long.

I just don’t feel like investing so much time and energy in exams now. I am almost done with college, and involved in a million other activities on campus, and studying is somehow not always the priority.

While growing up being ranked first in the class was so important. It was important to be recognized academically. it was important to beat everyone when it came to grades. But somehow, its not anymore.

I mean I am writing this write now instead of studying for the Stat exam, which is giving me nightmares even when I am awake.

(I swear I hate this class, and never have hated any class as much)

So anyways… all nighters are fun but not when they are in the library. Especially not anymore… SIGH!

Just me

I know I have people who love me. I know they will be there. And I guess they will be there when I need them. But I don't know why its not enough. It just isn’t.

I am blessed to have friends like that. I truly am. These people give me happiness, they give me the support I need. But its just not enough.

When I am drunk, people call me to make sure I am fine. They come pick me up. They come put me to bed. They call me and wake me up for my morning event. But its not enough.

I wonder whether that’s me being insensitive or overly demanding or just DAMAGED.

Sigh! It sucks to not be able to feel anything for anyone. Feel no attachments. I am happy. But I am not there yet. Not just yet. I wonder how long?

I said before. Time takes its time. Its the only thing that matters. And its taking some time. 6 months and still going. Damaged is the term I use now.

To all those people who care so much more than I deserve. Thank you. Thank you so much.  But I am sorry guys. Part and parcel of me is not being overly expressive.  Just the way I am now.

One day. Some day. I will be expressive. At least I hope so.

Generation Gap

ok…I am not old. At least not absolutely. I am not.

(20 something is not old and you know that)

But I feel old sometimes, or…. ok may be just older. I see freshmen kids coming to college and then I see what they do, and I get amazed. I can never understand how they do, what they do.

I always try and imagine myself 5 years ago, and how I dealt with similar situations, and man, I was different.

(I am not saying whether in a good or bad way, I just was)

And I feel the generation gap. Especially with those who come from India.

Some notable changes::

• While I grew up listening to old Hindi music, and watching old bollywood movies on cable, they listened to Ricky martin primarily and don't even know about the movies in the 70’s.
• I got my first computer in 8th grade, and they don't even remember when their first happened, probably because they were too young to remember
• I never drank alcohol before coming to college, and they know all the liquor kinds.. (I still am bad at them)
• I did not even know how to approach a boy at 18, I was god damn shy and so were most of my girl friends, but now..hmmmm… girls know their deal

And trust me this list can go on (only if I remember all things clearly)

Basically I don't know whether it is increasing technological development or increasing communication channels or media impact. But there is a gap, and it is widening too fast

 

Looks and talks do matter

I am not trying to be shallow here. Honestly I am not. But the truth of the matter is, it is very important to be pleasing to someone’s eyes. Beauty is very perceptive, but you still have to work on it.

Some people are blessed with glass shattering looks while others have to work on it. I think no matter what face you were born with, if you try and if you pay attention to yourself, you can be pleasing to someone or the other.

It’s not even about looking good for others, its about looking in the mirror and saying, “ok I am something.” Everything starts with the way you look. People approach you, listen to you, take you seriously, treat you as a joke with the way you look and then the way you talk.

(Yup, talk talks, important!!!!)

I took a communication class and my professor introduced to something called the “cute syndrome.” When people look pretty (not hot) and they talk in front of an audience, people will probably not take them seriously unless they work on their tone. Because they look cute. And cute is not taken seriously. So being pretty does not do the deal, not always.

On the other hand if you are in a room full of opposite sex, you need to look hot. Not revealing hot. But just hot. That will immediately give you their attention. And then you talk. Talk business. And talk about what you have to say. Please the eyes and then please the thoughts.

When you go out meet people and you are 30 pounds over weight you know your chances go down of being approached. No I am not being shallow.

( I have been overweight, I still am, so trust me I know what it is).

It is just human nature, even if you are the best talker, you need to please the eyes first. You know you will not approach someone who is not pleasing to your eyes, so why do you think its wrong if you are not being approached?

Once again you can be hottest girl/boy in the room, but what you say and how you say it and can just break or make the deal for you. How many times have you thought, “He/She is so hot, but I wish they didn’t open their mouth.” I am guessing about a dozen times.

(For me its more like 100 times… talks matter a lot to me.. sigh)

All in all its the walk and talk that matters. Always and pretty much always. The two can be balanced. And the best part is you can work on both of these. We are not god sent with perfection, but we can try to work on both.

(I think I need to work on my endings…. well the point has been conveyed)

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Right now I am sitting in one of the residential dorms on campus at the front desk. It is thanksgiving. The dorms are empty. Everyone is home except a few people who are staying back.

There is this calmness all around. The air outside is chilly but not freezing. The campus is a little dead but not completely barren. I can hear ever car’s engine that crosses the road outside.

I tried to do some home work. I have been here since five hours but I could not get myself to do it. I watched a romantic comedy. I am listening to to mellow music. I am sipping on ice tea and eating some potato chips from a seven eleven on campus.

I am sitting here and just in a weird away enjoying the peace (so not me) and the serene weather outside. I see people passing by through the glass window because they chose to stay back as well.

In the midst of all this I am thankful for everything. For the calm right now, for the life I have had, for the life I will have. For the people I have met, for the friends I have made, for the friends I will go to because the night is still young and they are waiting for me to come home to them.

In the midst of all this I am thankful for sitting here and enjoying it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

The spark

How many times have you heard the sentence, “There just wasn’t any spark.” I am guessing at least a few dozen times from someone or the other.

No one can really define “the spark,” but it does exist. In some ways or the other, it just does. You’ll know when there is spark, and you will when there isn't any. You can meet the nicest, most attractive person, and you can try to be more than just friends with the person, but sometimes there is this one thing missing. This one thing that makes you smile when you think about the person, or be passionate about them. You can wonder however much you want. But the spark comes naturally.

As you grow older, it gets harder to find it. Brains function better and they try to force you into a sparkles relationship. You know who you should be with, but you don’t know whether you should be with the one you want to be with.

(I am so not old in absolute terms but even I feel this)

I think sparks can happen instantly. You can just spend 2 minutes with a person and you’ll know it. You’ll smile a lot, you’ll want to know more about them, you know with one touch you can have shivers going through your spine. You’ll know it.

(Obviously you can realize later that person is the biggest douche in the planet)

But sparks happen. And they are just beautiful. For someone like me, it is hard to find. I don’t get those anymore. I used to, but I can’t even remember when was the last time………

The art of forgiveness

Forgiveness is an art. It does not come naturally to one. You need to truly believe that you have let go of whatever that happened and forgiven the person. It is a process. And it is gradual.

It is said forgiveness frees you. It gives you that peace of mind. It lets you move on and most importantly it lets you face. But it is hard. It requires effort and sometimes it is your only option.

I don’t even know if I am a forgiving kind of a person. I cut people a lot of slack, because honestly as humans we are made to mess up. We will hurt people, we will be selfish, we will lie and we will hide. We will do it. But the question is how much of it can we control. And how much of it does not affect someone else.

I mess up. I become insensitive sometimes. I sometimes can’t stand emotional outburst (especially from men) and I ummm……. am selfish too sometimes. So if I can do it so can others and they deserved to cut that slack.

But then there is this other side where sometimes people need to be forgiven. Because what they did affected someone. What they did changed things. What they did was not just a simple lie or something like buying popcorn instead you soda because that’s what they wanted or not listening when you were crying or not caring sometimes. It was just something that you need to forgive in order to be yourself again. Just to go back to that world which seemed normal.

So forgiveness is an art. I can look at someone and smile. I can not even be angry. I can not even hurt. But that forgiveness does take its time. May be it needs to be earned. But I don't know how many people want to work on that.

(I mean I don't know if I would put a lot of time and effort in it)

Forgetting seems so much easier. Forgiveness takes too much time.

(How much I talk about time… sigh)

The concept of dating

“Dating” is the term used when two people are courting and trying to know each other. It is more like a no stress phase where people figure out things about each other. What they like, what they don’t like, whether they even want to give each other a shot.

You can date anyone. You can blind date. You absolutely don’t have to know anything about each other. That is what dating is for. And it works. For most people it just works. They date, they know, they get in a relationship.

For me that just does not work. I have tried going on dates, but never made it to a second one. I need to know the person very well even before thinking of getting into a relationship. I get the concept of dating on paper, but for some reason in practice it is a failure for me.

(Wait there is a twist to this)

All this means that I can only fall for someone who is a friend and that is once more the biggest no no for me. Being with a friend in a relationship has the worst break ups in the history of mankind (obviously this does not have to be the universal truth, but it is mine). You lose the guy both as a friend and as someone with whom you shared something special.

Boooom.. and its all gone..

So that leaves me with the question what should I do? Right now its not a problem, because I am not really thinking about anything like this with anyone, but one day may be it will be.

Some say if you are already friends with a person, falling in love with them is the best thing ever. The comfort level is majestic. It is just what you need. I agree. All this I agree to. But what when it ends for whatever reason, your best friend just leaves hurting you. Then what?

Sigh!

What I am trying to say is that I can’t date because I know I will not fall for the guy if I don’t know anything about him. It has to happen naturally you see. And if it happens naturally after some months, may be 6 or even a year then oh well, he is a friend. And I am scared of losing any more of those.

Sigh!

(Yes I sigh a lot when I am confused)

Basically the question is to whether to take chances or not. Dating randomly doesn’t work, so whether to take a chance with a friend, if ever!

The answer still unknown!

When you close your eyes

Every once in a while you want to just stop whatever you are doing and think for a while. You need to close your eyes and just take a deep breath and gather those thoughts. Just go back in time a little. Just breathe.

The world moves too fast for an average person. Before you know it the childhood is over. It’s time to be mature and responsible. And you run looking for happiness, run to make a living, run to keep up with the world.

But then in all this craze there are those moments when you close your eyes and reach a different place. Your happy place. The place, the person that made you happy or makes you happy. So many thoughts. So many things to do. But just close you eyes. And stay still.

There is this song I listen to every now and then. It instantly works on me. It has a sad tone to it, but it takes me back to some happy days. It just works. I close my eyes and I see everything. Every moment. It just works.

The song just means that without those moments everything seems to have a lesser impact. The rains seems drier. The light seems dimmer. The breeze is not that breezy. And there are just not that many wishes anymore.

So some memories still stay. They still work. They still make me happy.

Gossip Column

I have never seen Gossip Girl but so many people have told me that my blog reminds them of that. I don’t know why or how, but that’s what I have heard. I write like Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) did in  Sex and the City, or someone does in Gossip Girl, but I never even realized that.

I was never inspired by either of those to write the way I write, though I know I loved the way Carrie wrote in Sex and the City. Some call it very “girly,” but that is what I am. So if I write like that, then I guess so be it.

I am big chick flick fan, I love watching drama (I do not like it in my very own life), I love seeing unrealistic love stories, I love every sentence they say in Grey’s Anatomy or Ugly Betty or One Tree Hill. It somehow makes sense to me (ok.. not every time), and someway along the line may be I do get inspired to write the way I write (although I never even realized I was getting inspired).

Some people laugh, and call my blog a gossip column. Some think, I make sense. Some think, it’s a piece of crap, but then I can’t please all… Can I?

I don’t write for anyone. I write for myself. I don’t sell this. I believe in it. As time progresses, I may experience some of what I have written, most of it is situational. I don’t ask anyone to believe in it because honestly I am 22 years old, I have not seen everything in the world, I just have learned from whatever little I have seen, heard, experienced.

Love me, hate me, envy me, dislike me or just like me. This is what it is. It was not meant to be a typical gossip column, but if it is and you think it is what Carrie said in Sex and the city, then that’s a compliment.

Once again I am no writer, I am just a blogger.

(And in know what this is angry post, I don’t get angry on my blog, I am just stating a point :) )

Waiting

“Wait” in itself is a concept. There is so much invested in it. There is so much people would do to not wait for anything.

We are so used to waiting for everything in out life. We are asked to be patient and wait. Wait for those exam results on which our college admission depends, wait for that summer when we have an amazing vacation planned, or even wait for that bus that is always late and makes us reach work late.

We have waited at every step. We know we’ll reach where we want to, all we have to do is wait. It is a virtue.

Then there is a wait that may never end. You wait, and you don’t even know you are waiting. You don’t question anything or anyone. You just wait. You know it probably will never end, or one day you’ll just stop waiting but still, you wait.

And when you wait like that there is so much at stake. Yet you don’t see it. It comes so naturally to you. This wait. This patience. No expectations. No rules. Nothing. Just wait.

So if you chose to wait the next time, or whenever you realize that you are waiting, stop, think for a while, and see what are you losing…just know may be right now is the time to stop waiting

It really does work out

I have a feeling that eventually, it really does work out. No matter what you wanted, how life is going, how much things are becoming impossible, in the end (whenever that is), it all makes sense.

Over the past few years, I have realized I can cry about anything and everything, but sooner or later I become content, and even better; happy with it.

There was a time when I was overly upset about not getting into the school of my choice, and came to Drexel. And now I am so glad that happened. I will not change that experience for anything. Ask me if I would rather attend a different school, I will say, “Hell!!! No!!!".”

Then there was a time I was upset about not being able to have the best room mate in my freshmen year and literally thought my freshmen year was going ridiculous. Ask me now I will say, “Nothing beats the fun I had in freshmen year.”

And there are so many more things I was upset about. Like that boy who never liked me back, like that job I did not get, like that event I missed. But honestly it all worked out. I am not a major optimist, but somehow I know it all does work out.

(No, I am not saying mess up and then say.. ehhhh.. it will work out)

And yes may be I am being very wise these days passing on my wisdom, but all this is just what I always believed in, and I think may be everyone should.

P.S: Life rocks, no matter what happens :)

Make a wish

When we are growing up, we are asked to make wishes. When we see a star, we make a wish, when we see a fountain, we throw a coin and we make a wish, when we stand in front of god in a temple, church or mosque, we make a wish.

We grow up and somewhere in the whole process we forget to do that. We stop wishing with heart, because we are asked to work towards achieving everything. Things don’t happen with wishes then, they happen when you work for them.

What if you can’t work for them? What if it is not about hard work, but it is about what you truly want. I say then, just make a wish. Be a kid again. Look up in the sky, and ask for that one thing you really want. You never know, may be that day God is listening.

Make a wish with all your heart, because wishes do come true. In the fight for life, we forget all the small things that made us what we are. We forget to appreciate the stars and the moon. We forget that they got us our first bike, first dress or even first date.

Believe in them, and just a make a wish. Who knows may be one day it comes true.

New design.. new thoughts

I consider myself an official blogger now.

Not because I have been writing since more than a year, but because I still feel like doing it every now and then. (More like everyday)

So here is to a new name, new design, even a new url.

My life is now GIRL TALK.

Because more or less, that is what it has been.

The unhelpful comparison

You go through good relationships. You go through bad relationships. Some end mutually. Some end with you being hurt. Some end with the other person being hurt. Sometimes you don’t want it to be over. Sometime you know its over even before it over.

In all the above cases if there was love involved and you spent a good amount of time with the person, you are pretty much scarred for a while. In a way you did not even see coming.

You try to move on, and when you do you go from one person to other trying to feel something for them. But sigh, does not happen. There is always this one thing you can complain about.

And that my friend is the ‘comparison’ syndrome. You compare everything with you had and you loved. You want him to use the same sense of humor, you want him to be equally expressive (high or low), you want him to understand you as much, you want him to be just like what you had, and the worst part of it all, you didn’t even know it.

And this new person gets trapped in your comparison issues. You can never replace what you had with someone when it was true, you can never find the same qualities, because you are here to build new relationships and meet new personalities. And some feelings are just not replaceable.

But then this syndrome, this unhelpful comparison is so instilled that you just can’t help it. And you look and look and look some more till those memories fade away. And sometimes that does not happen too fast, time takes too much time.

4 years in school and no I am not done yet

19th September 2005. That’s when I landed in Philadelphia. I was 18 years old, and I had no plans. I did not know what college was all about. All I knew was I wanted to be here, even without having any knowledge about the city. I just wanted to be here.

It has been 4 years since I came here. And no I am not done yet. It is home. It is where I belong now. It is the city which made me who I am.

People have mixed emotions about college life. Some want to get out of it ASAP. Some want to stay for a while. And some don’t even want to think about the life after. It seems scary. It seems unreal.

I fall in the last category. I love college. I love the fact that I can do everything, yet have time to myself. I can make some money, enough for my needs, and still dream big. 4 years seem like a journey of a lifetime, they are so close to my heart, that this last year seems like its running away too fast.

Fall term is almost over, and then I’ll have 6 months before I graduate. I need more time to process all this. I need more time to find a place in the world outside. I need more time to lead a life in the corporate world.

There will be money, and there will be security. But I don’t think I want to grow up that fast. Not yet. I want to wait just a little bit longer. I want to still do some crazy stuff. I still want to be stupid. I still want to be college young.

I miss Mannheim

I started writing (oops I mean blogging) because I wanted to capture my study abroad experience. Last year at this very moment, I was in Mannheim, and I never thought I would miss it this much.
I was just reading some posts I wrote almost a year ago, “Home here, Home there” and "Its over... Sept 3, 2008 -- Dec 24, 2008," and  it made me regret missing out on what all I could have done there. I was so attached to Philly, that I never really let go of it, and kept on whining about how much I wanted to come back.
I am back. I have been back. But weirdly, I want to go back there now. Live with the same people. Have the same experience. And do things differently. Travel more. Stay away from my computer more. Laugh more. Live more.
I can not take time back, and I can not change the things that happened. Everything I am today, and I mean everything, is because of that experience. It did so much to me. Taught me so much.
But I missed out. And I shouldn’t have.
All in all. I miss Mannheim. I miss Aga. I miss Asia. I miss Adeel (and his food). I miss Rob. I miss Maciek. I miss Marie-Claire. I miss Sebastian’s cooking. I miss Anna and Anna trying to talk to me in English. I miss working with Mamadi and Alex. I miss running into Ronny, Jibbie and Dallas once in a while. I miss the Doners. I miss everything.

People who keep me sane

I have said more than enough about my summer. It was amazing. It was stress free. It was just what I needed.

I found relief in people who I never hung out with before. I made my own little friend circle. It increased in fall. I spend all my time with them. I chill with them. There is never any emotional stress. And beyond everything they keep me sane.

I always had five friends in Drexel. Five people who always meant everything. They were the only people hung out with. They were my family. They gave me a home away from home. TAGAP in short. That’s what I can call them.

But everything is different now. The family has disintegrated (at least for me) and I can’t get over that ever. It took me a long time to build that. And to build something like that with other people will take even longer. And I dont have that much time.

So these people who keep me sane these days are those who take me away from the loss of this family. They don’t let me think about it much. They make me smile, they crack stupid jokes, they are fun, in short they keep me occupied.

And none of them had to do that. They just came from somewhere and made me not think. I can not replace what I had with anything, but I am so thankful to these people for doing nothing but yet keeping me sane.

I have been keeping friendship at a pedestal, and those you were on it, will always be close to my heart. I don’t think anyone else will reach there, but those 5 always will stay there. No matter whether I see them tomorrow or not.

But this is for the people who keep me sane, and do not let me think about the family that I miss. Thank you guys. You make life better. Really better.

For some reason I can only think of this song…

Happy Together

Banned Territories

There are some places you can not go to. Not because someone will kick you out of those places, but because you know you can not afford to re visit them. They can be something as simple as a corner of street or as big as a city. You just can not make yourself go there because they just swipe you off your feat and make you time travel.

Time travel. Time travel to the past which is not always pleasant or may be just too good to think of because it does not exist anymore.

I call them ‘Banned Territories.’

(I have one. I never like to go there. )

Sometimes you underestimate the power those places have. You go there to test yourself , and see how it feels. Whether they still empower your mind and soul. Whether you can still go back in time.

And so you go there anyway.

Sometimes it is relief. It is sense of freedom. You go there and you will feel nothing. That time does not travel anymore. And you know its ok. That territory is not banned anymore.

And then sometimes it is a shock. You go there, and you see everything. You still smell the same air. But you can’t smell yourself anywhere, and you wonder what happened. You see the articles have been shifted but some things are the same, only you can’t touch them anymore. You look around, and notice all the changes. You look around and suddenly it hits you, this is where you were happy. This is where you wanted to be. And this is where you’ll never be…

Time travels. And you see yourself sitting right there in your happy place. And all that happens in mere span of 15 minutes.

15 minutes and you know why you should not have been there…..

May be you should wait longer before going there again. May be you can never go there. May be some places always fall under ‘Banned territories.’

Happy Birthday Shahrukh

ok so people who know me know Shahrukh. He is the Indian superstar, and I make sure that all my friends know him (I don’t do it intentionally, his name is taken way too often by me..lol)..

So whether you are America, Polish, German, French, Russian or anyone. If you are my friend. You know who Shahrukh Khan is, and I am a die hard fan.

Today he turns 44, and I believe (no matter what the haters have to say), he looks nothing like it. I grew up watching him romance pretty actresses. He showed me the beautiful side of love. His own real love story is inspirational. He married his childhood sweetheart and stood by, and I know for fact, will always stand by.

Three of his movies did it for me, and after that there was no looking back. Raj or Rahul, all I saw was love. He personified the magic. His charisma made me dream, and his smile is what makes me smile, even when everything else makes no sense..

First comes DDLJ, when it really hit me how magical love can be. This movie is a lover’s dream, and no matter whether you love SRK or hate SRK, you love DDLJ. We all grew up with DDLJ. We learned to sing, “Tujhe dekha toh ye jaana sanam, pyaar hota hai deewana sanam..” It was all about falling in love and fighting for love. He created that magic, and that is when I know, I was in love with Raj…

Then Dil to Pagal Hai… I hummed, “Bholi si surat, aankhon main masti .. dur khadi sharmaye..” Rahul, thats when I fell in love with Rahul. Rahul, a little someone like Raj re created that magic. Love happens when least expected. And again SRK showed how. Some people say its the characters he plays, and I say its the love he emotes through those characters. May be he made me a hopeless romantic.. but hey.. I have nothing to lose.. do I?

 

 

Then it was Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Love is friendship. If you can’t be best friends with the person, you can never truly love them.. sigh! (I took that one too seriously).. but Rahul did it yet again. He laughed, he sang, he danced and loved like crazy.. “tum paas aaye, yun muskuraye, tum ne najaane kya sapne dikhaye..”

Sigh! Just like DDLJ I could never get over this movie…

 

 

So today I want to wish you a very very happy birthday Shahrukh. Hope you have many more of these, and you succeed and everything you do ever. You make me happy, even though I have never met you, and at the end of the day that’s what matters.

How much time people spend on thinking/whining/crying/ pursuing LOVE

A very good friend of mine just spoke about the phenomena LOVE. Her post An Ode, In Prose is a perfect way of putting out there how much time people spend on LOVE.

I myself am a huge fan of discussing human relationships (no guesses here), and write a lot about how they impact my day to day life. Thinking so much about it was the reason that took me to blogging. Its been a year since I started writing, and I have literally spent everyday on this blog.

I am in no ways a writer. I am a blogger. And I blog about LOVE, LIFE and everything that matters to me. The idea of LOVE is so intriguing I think, that people spend insane amounts of thought process on it.

Some people want to get out of it, some people want to fall in its trap, some people run away from it, and some people live for it. In the end its all about LOVE. And no one really make sense of it. Not much at least.

So what my friend write is An Ode, In Prose is so true. And she writes it beautifully.

(Just click on the name of the post to read it)

All we knew was how to be friends

College teaches you a lot about relationships. Friendships especially.

I had a friend. And we did share something special. We could talk for long (more like I talked), but it was nice. It was something I did not have with many people. All we knew was how to be friends… nothing more.. nothing less…

I think he grew out of it. He doesn’t need that friendship. He does not miss it. He has enough to keep him happy. He is not even the same guy anymore…I don’t think I even know him anymore…

But i miss his friendship. And all that we spoke about. The random lunches. Those random talks. Those bitching sessions about people. I miss all that…

Some people move on from things way faster than others. And unfortunately I fall under the former category..

College teaches you a lot indeed. It teaches you to live with so many people and yet not be friends with all of them. It makes you spend all the time in the world with them, and yet not care about them.

And as I read this, I hear these lines playing….

There is nothing I can do, there are no good words left anyway, people are cruel, and the world still  moves without you

you don't have to call me, you can leave when you want to…there is a picture by my bed, and I dont know if you ever feel alone…

The drama magnet

Once upon a time (to be precise 1 year 7 months) I was asking God for some drama. Life was very boring, there was nothing exciting happening, and the day was all about school, work and some more school.

And then he decided to listen to me, and grant me my wish. He actually took me way too seriously and since then I have never ever been away from some kind of drama or the other. Even when I don’t do anything drama follows. It is quite something.

So it all started with me being the drama (sigh! yes yes I accept), and then after almost a year getting out of it, and then drama following me when all I did was NOTHING. I actually sometimes think that I should stay away from people, and interact with them on a minimal basis. Because whenever meeting certain few people is a daily thing, I get ummmm…. screwed.

I am actually tired of it at this point in time. I don’t really want more of it in any form what so ever. It is too time consuming, and for someone like me really emotionally taxing. Sometimes I just want to go somewhere where I can start afresh without knowing anything about anyone’s past, and without anyone knowing anything about my past.

(I dont think I will like going away.. but you know what I mean)

On a different note may be its just me? May be I am the one who creates it in some way or the other. I don’t know right now. It is very confusing. May be I am just a drama magnet…..

Where to draw the line

We as Indians are collective people. Before making any decisions we take into account a lot things. We like to help people which is sometimes a good level of interference. And I guess we sometimes don’t know where to draw the line.

It is important to know where to stop. Yes you are amazing friends with the person and you want to tell them what to do, and advice them on things, but you simply cant dictate things to them. And sometimes there is no right or wrong. Just because someone is more vocal about their feelings does not mean he or she is suffering more, and the other one is at fault.

As a third person we can never figure out things to the T. We can be very collective in nature, but where we live now, the culture we draw from now, makes us independent. We can not behave like your business is my business. Because we don’t live in that world anymore. Even if mean good, we can never just say what we want you to do, we just can’t!

I like to speak my mind, and tell someone on their face if they are messing up, but I guess there is a line I don't cross. I know how much can peak in, and how much I can’t…

Oh well, I wish things did not always have to get all this difficult and people understood people and some people just understood how to deal with the grey…

(Btw, i am sick so a 100 mistakes in this post can not be taken against me…)

That weird sensation

Pehli baar mohabbat ki hai.. aakhri baar mohabbat ki hai

Sigh! Is that not the feeling every time you go crazy about a person. You feel like you have never felt like that before, and this might just be it till of course it is not.

The moment you start liking someone and spending time with them, there is this weird feeling you get where you don’t know where this is going. You still do it, because as I said you don’t know where this is going

That stage is the most happy stage of any relationship. There is nothing to expect, there are no fights, there are no complexities. This is when everything seems perfect, and going your way. The problems start when you start wanting more…

Sometimes spending too much with a person makes him or her grow on you, and the habit seems like something more. It is very hard to differentiate between a habit and a want. I wonder whether anyone really possesses that skill.

But all I know that feeling of just getting to know someone and hoping for nothing more is kinda miraculous. May be the best ever… because your mind doesn not work over time.. Sigh.. some feeling!

Your own judgment or what people say??

When you meet people or make new friends you create your own understanding of them. You have no prior knowledge of them, and more often than not you start at a neutral ground working onwards with the first impression.

If the first time you met and that person made you smile, you seemed to get along, the prospect of hanging out with them or being friends with them seems refreshing, worthwhile and welcoming. On the other hand, if they rubbed you the wrong way the first time, there is a high possibility there wont be a next time unless of course there is no choice.

And then there is a third case. A case where you have your impression of the person that you created after meeting them a couple of times or even over a month or so, and then you get to know certain things about that person from people who have known them since years.

In a perfect world, you will stick by what you think of that person and try and make an image of them based on your interaction, but this world is not so perfect after all.. is it??

When I was younger, grade 9 may be, I had a group of friends. In comes a new guy, who hated me for his own reasons (it was mutual), he said somethings to all my so called friends in that group, and each and everyone of them stopped talking to me. 6 people. All gone in a jiffy for something I did not even know I did, and they in fact knew me longer than this new boy did.

(Just to make it clear they all did come around after some years, only then I was over the whole friends thing with them… just making clear.. nothing else)

I learned from that experience. I learned to not judge people based on hear say. But sometimes its hard to follow it. If you make new friends who have their old friends who are your friends too and these old friends have an opinion or facts or rumors about the new friends. What will you do? Put your guard up? Continue to learn them on your own? Believe what the old ones have to say? Seriously what will you do??

This question bothers me a lot. Because sometimes judging by what others say becomes really important….

So your own judgment or what people say?

Think hard… its really about those people

When I look around I see happy faces, sad faces, faces with questions, and some with anticipation. I look around and I try to make sense of everything that happens everyday. People lie, people stand up for you, people leave, its people around you that shape your lives.

As we grow up we are asked to be ambitious, independent, wise and honest. In the midst of everything we see around us we manipulate our beliefs. We make our own right and our own wrong. We create a journey of our own where we learn from people. We learn that honesty is not what they always want, we learn that they may be independent, but their feelings are not.

There are some people you chose to be with. They define your happiness and your sadness. They influence you in ways you did not even know existed. They create your paths, and sometimes alter them. Some people say that they do not need anyone, they make and break relationships easily, but they are just lying.  Even if they don’t know that.

You hide things, because you do not want to lose those people. Some day if it comes out, you lose them, and sometimes you pretend. Everything you do is because of the people you chose.

If I tell you my story word to word and you knew all my history, will you go along with me. May be not, so may be I should hide some stuff, and just move along.

That's the line you work on. Because you know you hide, to be with those people.

So everyone who thinks its about themselves. Think again. It is in your mind, but in the end its about the people. They make you grow up, and learn so much more than you ever imagined.

And I hate that I love you so

I am an emotional person (that has been established by now). I don’t like to keep grudges, at least not make things awkward and weird. I can be happy with just being cordial.

All that has nothing to do with the way I feel inside. Honestly, I don’t even know how I feel, or what I feel sometimes. But I know for a fact that it takes a lot and lot of effort from my side to get into a relationship with someone. I know I just can’t unless I am crazy about the person and can’t think rationally.

At this moment, right now, at present I know I am not crazy about anyone. I am still where I was sometime ago, only I dont expect anything in return, I don’t want to fix anything, I am just happy being away from all the drama that was deeply fostered in my life. I like it like this.

But but and one more but…. I know I am not over a lot of things. I dont think I will be anytime soon. You know how they say, “there is this one time you will that craze and love, and then you may not feel it ever again,” and that’s the case for me. At least right now. I don’t know if its love, or just the loss. But I feel like that. And if its love then I swear I hate that I love you so….

This song right here, is what my life was… and this is what it will not be… or this is what I wont feel for a long long time to come…

May be its just love I am unlucky in

Do you believe in luck? Do you believe in God? Do you believe that sometimes if you don’t get something you really wanted, it was for a greater good?

I believe in all that. And I also believe that more often than not God’s on my side. He looks after me, and he makes things happen. I worry too much. And then one day, things just fall into place, and I don't even know how….

Yes I have been extremely unlucky with love but then may be its not time for love yet? May be I should fix other things in my life first, and then may be one day some day love will come along.

I am told in some way or other that I need to prioritize, and right now, at this very point in my life LOVE is not as important. So many things I have to do…

• Find a job
• Find a job in a city where I can live
• Think about what if I dont find a job
• Focus on school and things associated with school
• Buy that dream house, or at least a house back in Delhi
• Budget up some stuff

(I can probably think of more stuff, but obviously I am too sleepy to think in the middle of the day.)

So since I am just 22, I can probably say, “no time for love..” and just be happy with that. It is not like its end of the world right now…. :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Fight for it

I think I have said this before in one of my earlier posts but I want to talk about it once more.

People are so self obsessed and worry about looking bad, that they let go of people they could have fought for. When you love someone whether a friend or a lover, then you have to fight for it especially when you see them slipping away because of any reason.

(And no fighting doesn't mean crying your eyes out and begging the other person, and losing all self respect)

People make mistakes, and the ones you love sometimes get lost. Then its your job to fight for them. It will hurt, it has to. You will see resistance and you will hear some things that you never wanted to hear, but then you love that person, so fight for it till you know you have done enough. You will know, trust me you will.

If that person goes away, then you will be hurt and feel like you have lost so much while fighting, but one thing you will achieve is peace. Peace from the fact that you know you did what you could, you stood there and waited as much as you could, you gave your everything, and you tried your best and there is nothing more you could have done.

Fight for your friend. Fight for your friendship, especially when you did something wrong. If you are truly guilty, and feel that you have to fix what you have done then fight for that friend. Fight till you can show that you are guilty, and never will do it again. Do what you can. Because fighting for something, and not just watch it go by makes you guilt free. It makes you powerful. It makes you value friendships and people in your life. It will never leave you alone.

So fight for your lover who is confused, fight for your friend who you hurt, fight for that love that you know will make you lead that happy life.

The Senior year Syndrome

The last year of college is always a roller coaster. People always have mixed views on it. Some say its the easiest, and some say its the hardest. For me its the latter, but obviously a lot of other factors come into play.

• I have to take a full load of classes every term to graduate with a Bachelors and a Masters.
• I have at least two meetings every week for some reason or the other
• I work almost 20 hours a week
• I like to socialize, I make it to movies and bars
• I have at least one event to plan or attend every which btw include weekends

And all these are apart from the regular mind boggling job hunting issues while recession that take place in senior year.

Basically I am very busy, and I love it.

(The problem is all this going to end soon.. less than 9 months.. that’s all I have, and then it’s over.)

Senior year does feel different. There is an anticipation. There is a fear. And most of all there are those promises of the future….

Confusion

Honestly, I am not in a position/situation/condition to like anybody. But at least that’s what I think. (It’s very true too)

I mean I still try to avoid/ignore somethings because they ummm… make me very uneasy.

But since some days now I get those happy feelings/urges/temptations to talk to someone. It is weird. I don't know what it is, because I just don't.

It’s not a craze, or butterflies or, “I see you and I smile” stuff but it is something…

(Something new ;))

Well, it might just be temporary. You know one of those 2 week thingies.

If its not.. then I think I truly am god’s favorite child.. (since he always finds a good way out for me)

So basically… for a change I am confused..lol.. fun stuff!

When someone says, “I love you”

The irony of the world is when you really really really want someone to be in love with you it does not happen. And when you really don’t want someone to be in love with you, it happens.

Girls like me (yes like me) want to be loved when in a relationship. We do not do, “oh this is just casual” stuff. (Sucks). So obviously we have been through the times when it has hurt like anything when that does not happen and the boy in question believes in, “oh this is just casual” stuff.

So when someone says, “I love you” and we dont feel the same, we feel guilty. Real guilty. Because we know how much it hurts. And we wish we could be in love with that person, but obviously that does not happen.

Why can’t things just be simpler?? May be we should just give it a shot and date them and see how it goes. But then again, girls like me wont get out of it because

1. we dont cheat (i mean most of us dont)
2. we feel way too guilty
3. we’ll make it work and be there

but we will not be in love with the guy. That’s unfair to him too.

but again, may be we should go for it, cuz as they all say, “Be with someone who loves you, not someone who you love.”

(My brain works over time. Especially after midnight.)

Just run!

So you have tried everything to fix your head. You have tried telling yourself that nothing can bother you, no matter what is done, what is said. You see it and pretend to be fine. You seem it not giving a rat’s ass and you still pretend to be fine, because that is how it is suppose to be, and you do that everyday, every damn day

And then one day you know it is not working…….

That’s when you know this whole thing about people saying.. “face it” is absolute BS. Facing something which is unfixable is way worse than running away. Then you know you should have run away long back. Just disappeared. Just left.

So just run away, run as far as you can till you never see it no matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you look back, no matter how long it has been, just RUN!

(Honestly, this is not some self pity, sad stuff, it just works :) )

Lets smile

So apparently I can not be a bitch to people even if I know I should be. I mean seriously, how stupid can I be.

Well I think I care about the other people around and I do not want to make it awkward for them, so I smile and laugh and just chill. After all those other people do matter.. sigh!!

Keeping appearances. How often we have to do that. It is kinda sad.

I know though I have not forgotten, so until I do, lets just smile :)

Just when you think its over …..

It is not. It is not even close to being over.

Somethings take very very very long to get over. For some time you may feel that its over, but it is not truly over till you see it and you dont seem to care.

Pretence is a wonderful aspect of human nature. You can act and behave the way you want to so that it does not see that you are still captivated in the realms of that unwanted place, but the truth is you know its not over, and you dont even know when will it be over.

You get used to it. You play along. You dont even complain because it becomes a part of your everyday. Somedays it seems like its over, but then again its not. It wont be over till it has to be.

So I know its not over yet. I want it to be over more than ever before. I want to know how does it feel when its over.

If I were a boy

I really like what Beyonce says. It is so true.

I wish I were a boy sometimes, then may be I would try and love a girl as much as a girl can love a man?

May be then I would always pick up her phone instead of disconnecting it? Just tell her I am busy instead of ignoring her.

But as she says…

But you are just a boy, you dont understand

You dont listen to her, you dont care how it hurts

Until you lose the one you wanted, cuz you had taken her for granted, and everything you have got destroyed……

Tuscon, Arizona

It is indeed different. very very different.

The first thing you will see as soon as you step out of that small airport is cactus. Cactus here, cactus there, here, there, everywhere.

And then when you look around outside your cab window, you will wonder how on this planet did you not imagine a place like this.

(May be this is a little exaggeration)

It is hot here, super hot. I am lucky to be here during fall and my nights are nice. The city is spaced out. The only place to go really is the university area where there are a couple of good restaurants and bars. Hotels are amazing, and huge. JW Marriot is Tuscon is stretched along a mile or may be 2? Beer is darn cheap, food is delicious and over all it is nothing like Philly.

Everyone who is here with me attending Grace Hopper 2009 says it is different and nice, but I can’t stay here. That is true. The place has hardly any public transportation and no grass, no trees. I am not a fan of nature (I think I have made that clear), but living in a desert is not what I want either.

(Such a confused soul… sigh)

Expectations

I expect too much. I should not beyond a certain point.

It makes my friends awkward. It makes everything weird. I don’t understand where everything is going, I can’t tell myself not to, it’s my fault.

Deep inside I know I should change it. I just dont know how.

May be I need to give them space. I need to get away from them, so that they dont have to chose. So that they are not awkward.

No matter what I say, what I do, I cant seem to come a notch or two down.

I see people happier when they live in the moment

I think thats the key

The thing about moving on

It is a slow process.

It does not happen with trying to find happiness here and there in temporary things.

It happens with time.

Time is a huge factor.

For me, it is the only factor.

I can pretend to be happy. I do a good job.

But I wonder how much more time?

I dont think I like my fall too much

I was dreading fall as you would know, if you ever would read this, and now I know I was right. Since the beginning of this term, I have not felt as much at ease as I did all summer. Summer felt like everything fell into place. Like everything was working. Like there was nothing wrong in this world. But fall, ummmmm… not so much!

Everything is so overwhelming. School work. People. Life. Everything.

(On top of everything I am an insomniac)

I blame this on my sun sign. Cancer. We are over emotional people who if and when get hurt (I mean truly hurt, not the you stole from me hurt) never really get over it that easy. Only if I was born some days earlier or some days later, my sun sign would have been stronger.. sigh!

(But may be I am just PMSing. I do that often.)

While writing this and listening to this random song I just realized the one I loved doesn’t exist anymore. Someone else exists. So technically the one I loved is not alive, because now he is not what I fell for.

(OMG!! it makes sense now)

ok its 4 am and I am just ranting!

So good night!

What’s wrong in being Single

If a girl wants to be single for a while (by which I mean 2-3 years), what is wrong in that? Most of my guy friends keep on saying, “You need to date someone. Just be with someone. You have been single for too long.”

I don’t understand why I need to do that? I chose to be myself, and I actually love it. At least for now I do. I never stop myself from meeting new guys, or talking to them, but if I dont get attracted to anyone enough to get in a relationship with them, that is not my fault.

He: What’s wrong with that guy? He likes you

Me: But I dont

He: Why? Try dating him

Me: But I dont feel anything for him

He: TRY!!!

Me: Try and do what? Why the hell should I lead someone on

He: Girls!!!

It’s not about being a girl. It is just about choosing to be happy. And not to sound sad or anything, but after what I have seen some guys are capable of, or just being in love and getting hurt to the point which I did not even know existed, i don't really believe in love.

(I mean there is love, just not for me)

So when I do not believe in something, it is hard to pursue it. May be that will change (even though I do not want it to EVER), but for now I am singe and loving it :)

Some things about pain

When it hurts so much and you can't breathe, that's how you know you'll survive. Grief is with everyone, it just looks different on everyone... but pain, some pain, never goes away. You smile through it, you feel happy most days, but somewhere inside you know its there, it will always be there.

The best you can do, is live through it and survive. You are scared. And you don’t want to let people in. The very worst part of grief, all that pain, is that you can’t control it. So the best we can do is cry if we have to. Shed those tears. Because when its trapped inside, it will never leave you. It will come back every time.

But just like happiness, pain might not stay all the time. It might go away. Just accept it. Just accept it the way it is.

And if it does not heal even in those few months you gave your self. Give your self more time. Give some years. Even if it does not ever go away. You’ll know you fought. You’ll know you can’t be hurt anymore.

Credits: Grey’s Anatomy Season 6 Ep 2

Bye bye to Portland and Seattle

I had an amazing vacation. And that combined with some other reasons I just do not want to go back to Philly. I am 1.5 hours away from landing, and I just wish I did not have to go back there… at least for now.

West Coast is definitely a whole different world altogether. And I think north west is the most under rated region in America. Where else would you see a mountain peak on the left and down town Seattle on the right, creating the most blissful scenery? Seattle is made for someone like me. Being a technical person, companies such as Microsoft and Amazon just create opportunities for me there. The weather is ummmm not that great but I think I can manage. Varun lives three hours away, Gwen lives right there and I heard the dating scene is awesome there (I mean who doesn’t find that appealing)

I know at the end of a trip or being away for a while, I have always wanted to come back to Philly. But that has to do a lot with the people around me, and not the city on its own. I know I can create a Philly in Seattle if I want to, rather if I get to be with that many people.

Its high time, I start preparing myself to leave Philly. It’s not like I am going to be there forever. Portland is a little to quiet for me, but may be Seattle is it.

So now back to this plane ride. There is a kid sitting in the row in front of me, and he has managed to turn my computer off two times by just slipping his hand through the gap between the seats and making me re write this post twice

(yeah yeah.. I should save my drafts)

Now three days in Philly, and then I head to Tuscan AZ.  Some life people would say. Can I say the same though??

Anyhoo.. I fly so much, but somehow I never ever liked it as much especially when I cant sleep. This flight is 2 hours 39 minutes, which is nothing compared what I usually do, but for some reasons it seems 10 times longer….sigh

Technology binds me

So I have a phone with a data plan, hence 24/7 access to emails, facebook, twitter and so much more. Being connected like that is a blessing for me instead of a sin. I like to be on top of things and get back to people as soon as I can, being as much productive as I can. Basically I like to multi task.

(Does not imply I rock at it,,, but I do a good job)

The problem is I am on vacation right now, and I am still doing the same. School has started so I am a little paranoid about missing deadlines. I have a million people I talk to, and I will still reply to their texts as long as I have service and battery life. Basically my phone is my life, and people I vacation with get extremely amazed.

No I dont ignore them. I multi task.

I was up at the mountains on Sunday and I had no reception for 5 hours. I did not feel lost, it felt good for a while. But then after some more time, I needed it. I dont even remember a life without my phone now.

SIGH!

I know some people think I am a slave of technology, but I say, whats wrong in that? If that makes me happy and gets stuff done on time for me, I think it’s great.

I know it is a little annoying when I am texting while out with some people, but I do try to limit that as well. (At least I think so)

All in all, I love technology, I love to multi task, I love to talk to people all the bloody time, and all these things make me happy :)

P.S: Not that I am saying everyone should be like that!!!!!

Who knew Portland is Paradise

I am a very city person, so obviously all I have done in the States is seen big cities. I am in Portland right now, and the two reasons that got me here were my friend living here, and the 10 dollar roundtrip to fly to the west coast. I did not really think much about how the city was going to be.

Now that I am here, I love it. I cant imagine living here, but as a tourist I love this place. I went to Mount Hood yesterday and boated in Lost Lake. The 5 hour drive was just mesmerizing (apart from me getting sick while coming down the slope).

It is a lover’s paradise. I heard it somewhere “Portland is so romantic, that it can be Paris if you are with the one you love.” That is so true indeed. It is nature at it’s best. It totally reminded me of Europe, and all the places I have seen there.

Just sitting on the boat in the middle of the lake, sipping some India Chai, and looking around sitting next to that someone special, is what it is all about. I mean I was there with my friend, but I am sure he was thinking about his girl friend all that while..lol

I can’t put any pictures up right now, but I advice everyone to come here at least once. Right now I feel like my 7 hour plane ride was worth it.

Also, I went to a Casino for the first time and made 160 bucks (call it beginner’s luck). So I am all set for a wonderful time here in Portland. I am glad I came here.

More updates to come….

Officially the end of a fantabolous Summer

The summer for me officially ends on Friday. People are coming back, people are leaving, it’s all becoming normal (referring to how it’s always been). It has been an experience, this summer. So many things happened, but at the same time nothing happened.

I get done with my internship on Friday, and leave all the amazing co workers who made my summer worthwhile. I start school on Monday (well I am missing week one..lol), and most of all this so called NORMAL and ROUTINED life comes back.

Obviously I am more than happy to see some people. Seeing this one friend today made me jubilant. He has been such a good friend, that I never realized how much I missed him till I saw him today. But still I never wanted this summer to end, for fall to come (apart from the amazing weather). But its here.

There is one more week before I get pushed back into the grind. My last to-do on the summer list will be fulfilled next week when I go to Portland. I am really excited to go there and see my friend. Have not seen him in a year. That will finally do it. Mark the end of this summer.

May be I should just make a Senior year to-do list. It’s never gonna come back. 9 months is all I have, before this 5 year journey ends, before I step into the real world, before my friends chose their paths, and before I leave behind what I love the most.

(Yes.. I am getting a little senti.. 9 months is not long at all)

For now there is only one thing on the to do list.

Live it up. Have fun. Love life. Live it to the fullest. This time. This place. These friends. It’s never gonna come back.

Phone issues

I am not really a very materialistic person. If you ask me on my birthday what I want, I will not really have an answer for it.

I don't want clothes or shoes or gadgets as a present. I can do without these. But one thing I can absolutely not do without is my G1 aka my Google phone.

I am am t-mobile subscriber, so I own one of these instead of an IPhone. I love it. I absolutely do. Since I am one of those people who like to be in touch and respond asap to texts, calls, emails etc.. I just need it in my life. I cant imagine a life without it. And just an hour ago, it gave up on me. just died. Just like that.

I feel weird. I feel lost. I feel deprived. I do have an old Nokia that I am using right now. But its not the same. I have 7 days before I get my replacement. And I have no idea how in the world am I gonna live without it. (I am getting a replacement in 7 days but thats just too long)

Hopefully I will be able to not whine, and just live with it. My phone is like my life. I cant imagine anything without it. Music, games, texts, emails, facebook, twitter.. and so much more all in one. Everything gone ….. (No.. I am not overreacting)

I hope these days go by fast.

A big fat SIGH!