Step back a little please

The best thing to do when you are someone like me and who does not have a good control over emotions is to step back a bit and think again.

And when I think after doing that I think more practically and things make more sense to me than they do in the, “moment".” I  lived my moment and now that my moment is gone, so much makes mores sense now.

I realize how stupid I can be even after everything is right in front of me. I don’t regret it at all, the moment, none of it. But I see things so much more clearly now and the clarity tells me that I was trying to have something that clearly would make me feel like shit sooner or later…

I did something because I wanted more out of it… and I am glad I was able to do it, but the question in my head is how do some people do it without wanting more? How do they restrict themselves to one thing? How do they differentiate between their wants?

A lot of this confusion probably comes from the fact that I am a girl and I don’t mind knowing what’s more to something unlike men, who well, mostly are scared of that something more….

Anyhoo….

Today, right now, at this very point, things make more sense to me… :))

Hopefully they still will tomorrow as long as I am stepping back and not letting my emotions do the talking…..

Oh btw.. I have become quite honest lately. I mean I was never a compulsive liar, but my honesty is not polite at all, and not helping a lot of causes… sigh

Just had to put it there…

For now… time and distance kick ass!!!

An open letter to Delhi Daredevils

I am from Delhi. I was born and brought up in Delhi. It’s the city I have spent 18 years of life in. My parents, my extended family, my heritage, everything comes from there. It’s the only city I know well in India, it’s the only place that got me where I am.

Even after all that, unfortunately, I can not support the Daredevils in the match against Kolkata on March 29. I tried to take my heart away from the game, but it has always stayed with the Knight Riders, and I can not support any team against them, even if it’s the city to which I belong.

May be if Kolkata was doing well and winning all their matches, I could have supported the Daredevils, but since that is not the case, I need them to win. I need them to win and make it to the semis, I need to see Shahrukh smile. I need to see Ganguly proud.

That being said. I still have favorites in the Delhi team. I still remember when Gambhir started playing. It was a delight to watch you play in 2007 T20 world cup. You were a star all along. You with the likes of Dhoni, Rohit Sharma and some other youngsters got us the cup. And I will still love to see you play well tomorrow.

I have never been a fan of Sehwag even though he was compared with Sachin. So Sehwag, I can not support you, even if you play for Delhi.  I would like to see A De Villiers play as well. I would like to see you stick to the crease and hit some shots as long as it doesn’t take the game away from KKR. I would like to see Nehra ball may be, but at the end of the day I would like to see Bond, Gayle, Hussey, Ganguly, Saha and others do what they do best. Win.

So I am writing this to say, I wish I could support you, but I can’t. Shahrukh matters too much, and this is one place, where I know I can listen to my heart and not regret it, ever.

With Love,

KKR’s fan but Delhi’s child

It doesn’t have to be love all the time

As much as people ask me to be spontaneous, I am not. I don’t do things in the moment. I like to think of the consequences and what after. My brain never stops working and so the moments are not as precious or I never let them be. Usually I do not.

This one time, the only time, the first time, I did something in the moment. I kinda have said this in my last post or the one before but right now when the moment has passed, I am glad I went through it. It was an experience and it was something I did not think through at all.

I do wish it  could last longer, I would be lying if I say I don’t, but I think the beauty of it comes from the fact that it was short and sweet. Dragging it would just make it bitter and raise questions. It would become one of those things which I would want to get out of. But right now, it seems priceless and the only thing I can think of is, sometimes people can do the right thing even after living in the moment.

The only song I can think of is, “I’ve had the time of my life,” from dirty dancing because I do not know if I felt that way before, but I definitely did not feel as free before. Never. I will probably not do something like that again, because now I am thinking (c’mon I have to do that), but I have memories, and I will keep them to myself, at least till they fade away.

That moment also made me realize that sometimes it doesn’t matter for how long you have been friends for, what matters is what kind of person you are and how much how are cared for. Sometimes 3 years are not enough, and sometimes 3 months are …..

I wish the reason I am doing this is justified. I wish the reason I was given is true. I wish I am not lied to. For now I believe I am not, and I just want to be glad I lived in a moment for once, for myself.

I also know, two years ago I would have done things differently, and I wish this happened 2 years ago. A part of me wants to take some things off my life right now, because I know I would have been a different person, I could have taken more chances. There wouldn’t have been that moment, there would have probably been more faith.

So, I guess I did have the time of my life… and I never did something like this before….and I owe it all to myself and some to you….

(The song goes differently…)

There is always a first

Friends, new friends and the older ones. I do not know if this will come as a surprise to most of you or even either of you, but I did something for myself without thinking of the consequences or living in denial.

For the first time ever I said what I wanted without being confused about it. I did not stop myself from being controversial if I had to. I just went with saying, what exactly I wanted.

And even though it was hard at first, I think it’s one of the best things I have done. It makes me feel more at peace (ok I did not sleep last night), but obviously there is this restlessness now, since now my thinking powers are taking over.. sigh

I also realized, sometimes it good to be spontaneous and just change the things a bit in your life. You don’t always have to same dressing all your life, or visit the same coffee shop every time. Sometimes you can take a stroll down a different block and buy something else.

(that was not a very good analogy, but still I tried)

What I am saying is with three months of college left, I better know what I want and not have any regrets. Just do what seems right in the moment, because after three months I won’t be here anymore.  I won’t be a student anymore. I won’t be able to make mistakes anymore.

I can just think of these lines right now, “Dil to bachcha hai jee” (Heart is a child)

Dreamless

I think too much. Way more than I believe most people do. My thoughts occupy so much of my free memory space that I am constantly multi-tasking.

I can be talking to someone while thinking about something absolutely different. And then what I think about is what I dream about. My brain is constantly being used, even when I am sleeping.

Most of my dreams are about people I spend a lot of time with or think about a lot. It amazes me how my brain makes me dream about things which either I want to happen or I am scared of happening. I know dreams are just, oh well, dreams, but why do they make so much sense to me sometimes?

I don’t know what people usually dream about. But I always end up having dreams about people. Not about travelling, being rich, being successful, getting killed, but just about people I know.

Since it is said that we dream about what is around us most of the time, this just proves how much importance I give to people. So very much. They don’t leave me even when I am asleep.

Sigh!!!

I think I need to be dreamless for a while. Not think while I am sleeping. Just sleep like there is no tomorrow. Too many dreams are making too very restless.

Also I am turning too many new leaves in my life right now, which may also be the reason behind my extreme restlessness. Need to get stuff a notch down.

Side note: It scares me how some people know me so well. Not some people, but you know the ones who do. They read my mind out and I am always like, “What just happened.” I don’t have much time with them left. My mind readers are going to go away… sigh!!!

I am not making much sense am I?

 

Love at 16

It’s spring break. (Last break of my college life). And I have way too much time on my hands. And so I am spending it by watching the music videos that ruled the 90’s in India.

One thing that so many of them had in common was the backdrop of school, and falling in love at 16. And so obviously I am thinking about the time when I was 16 and carefree.

I can’t help but think how carefree I used to be. To love someone was so instinctive and thought free. There was so much “cuteness” (for the lack of a better word) in them. Those glances. Just getting to talk once to that one person. Meeting in between classes. Talking on the phone (no cell phones then by the way). And all those small things, that do not even exist when you are older.

Those were the times when everyone believed in fairy tales. Boys did everything to just get a girls attention. They wrote letters (I did not grow up with emails either), saved pocket money to go on dates. Just holding hands and walking down the road seemed enough.

It was all about what you felt. How the other person made you feel. A little special. A little happy. Curfews made seeing each other so much more difficult. There was this excitement.There were no excuses. There was those butterflies. There were no responsibilities. It used to be all out of a book.

It’s amazing how all that seems so long ago. There are so many things that go into doing anything. What will people think? How will this affect life? Money? Nothing is spontaneous.

Sometimes I wish I could go back there and just love like that. Without thinking too much about it. Just be carefree.

Sigh!

For now, those days is all I can think of…

And for some reason this song…

 

 

An open letter to Sourav Ganguly

Dear Dada,

You know you are Kolkatta’s pride. You know you are one of the best captain’s the Indian team has ever seen. You know you have driven the team to do better every time you captained from the field or off the field. But what you perhaps don’t know is, sometimes even low scores can be a winning deal.

I am no expert. Will never be. But KKR is my team. Three hours of my time are spent on watching their games in the early hours of the morning (10 is early for me) and cheering for every run Gayle hits, or every wicket Sharma takes. So I feel responsible and hence speaking my mind whenever I need to.

Today was sad. It really was. While Gayle remained on the crease, he played like it was an ODI. We can not do that. I know they bowled well, and may be the pitch was slow. But if that was truly the case, how did Sachin manage to do what the whole KKR could not? He came blazing, and hit the fast pacers conveniently on the off side.

By the 6th over, it was obvious that fast pacers need to bowl short and slow. It was obvious to someone like me, who again is no expert. So why couldn’t Sharma and Bond bowl short and slow? Why?

(Since you are the captain, I believe you ask them to bowl short and slow? Don’t you.)

I am not trying to tell you how to do your job. You are definitely good at it. And your amazing catch to get rid of Tiwari has my full respect. But dada, we can’t do this. We can not be the worst team yet again. We need to learn to keep the momentum going. Someone like Tiwari can’t come and hit Bond anywhere and everywhere. That just says, something is very wrong.

Also, I think you should worry about your batting. Or may be not open? I know you do best as an opener, but this is twenty20. It’s either now or never. There can not be dot balls or a strike rate of 100 even. You are a legend, and once again I am not saying this because I know better. I am just saying what seems obvious to me as a mere spectator.

On a final note, this is Shahrukh’s team. He matters tons. And so you automatically matter a lot. Please re think about what you are doing. Why the fielders are mis-fielding, why the pacers are not going with the pitch and why the run rate while batting is so insulting.

With lots of love and hope,

KKR’s fan

Disclaimer: All this is based off today’s match against the Mumbai Indians. I am just a sad fan who sat through the entire match with the opposition supporters yelling her lungs out, and not reaching anywhere.